Sometimes games that were never let out of the Promised Land had a good reason to stay put. Case in point…
Bird Week (1986, EMI, Toshiba, Lenar)
The Game:
Wow. I don’t really know where to start with this one. Oh wait, yes I do: It’s a bird life simulator. I know to start there, because that’s where you can end, too. There’s nothing more to the game. Really, it’s a bit of a stretch to call it a bird life simulator; more like a bird feeding simulator. I think a bird’s life would encompass more than feeding babies. For example, the game could’ve included brief minigames, where you become confrontational with humans who don’t provide you with bread, or shit on statues of Napoleon, or terrorize the English countryside, or something, fuck, I don’t know. But no, you just fly around, catching butterflies. It’s like a rumination on the futility of living. Surviving murderous predators, darting around just desperately trying to catch just enough butterflies to survive, going nowhere. And if you quit and just fly around, enjoying the beautiful day? Your children starve to death. Fucking Bird Week. Now I’m a nihilist.
Why was it never released in America?
I’m not going to waste your time telling you why a bird-feeding sim was never released in competition with Contra and Battletoads. Instead, I’m going to focus on Lenar, one of the 3 companies responsible for this game. Lenar, in cooperation with megacorps Toshiba and EMI, released Bird Week, their first game ever, in July, 1986. They followed it up 6 months later with Deadly Towers, widely reputed to be one of the worst and most confusing games made for the NES, which is really saying something.
So where is the Lenar Corportation now?
They make tractors. No, really.
(Will I actually finish something I start? Read in the next few days to see if I update again! Or, read part 1.)
Postal is a Fucking Train Wreck
(Story from: Kotaku)
Uwe Boll’s latest film, Postal, is a Chicago Fire-sized disaster. I mean, yeah, the movie itself is a disaster. A child could tell you that just from the poster.
Pictured above: Every joke you stopped thinking was funny around April 2002.
As a side note, despite the limited release, I saw the film at a theater in Charleston, SC.
Well, I mean, I didn’t see it. I’m not a masochist. But it was playing there.
New Street Fighter 4 Character: Rufus
(Story from: StreetFighter4.org)
Some new Street Fighter 4 characters have been announced, including my new favorite opponent, Rufus.
Above: Movie studio ad copy writer Harry KnowlesFinally, I can live out my dream of beating the crap out of Harry Knowles.
Above: New SFIV Brawler RufusIn 1990, Nintendo released Startropics, a fantastic action/adventure game that plays like a mix of Zelda and the early Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior games. To this day, the game remains unreleased in Japan. bolstered. Perhaps you allow this pride to degenerate into fevered hoots of “USA! USA! USA!”stic high, but I need to inform you of something, something you may already know.
COMPLETELY FINISHED AND TRANSLATED.
Now, Earthbound’s sequel, Mother 3, has been released in Japan, thanks in part to the series’ massive, extraordinarily dedicated fanbase in America (largely located at Starmen.net). Despite the truly astonishing level of support, Nintendo STILL refuses to risk releasing another Mother game in America. The reason? “There’s not a large enough audience.” But is this belief really founded?
Ha! I had you going for a second. It’s cute when I do that.
Still, the Mother games will probably never be released here. It’s far from the first time this has happened. Many games have run into the same problem, some true classic of their genre, some incredibly creative innovations, some complete, incomprehensible shit. So what exactly causes this? Is the cultural gap between the two countries so wide that some games are completely unmarketable in America? Or are American publishers so concerned with their bottom line that they’re unwilling to take a chance?
I don’t know. Here are some dick jokes and commentary.
Seiken Densetsu 3 (1995, SquareSoft)
“HA!” you may say, your pride in your country
Well!
I’d hate to bring you down from your nationali
In 1991, Nintendo completely localized and translated Mother, the predecessor to Earthbound, for an American release.
Completely finished and translated.
And yet it was never released here. Why? They didn’t feel the game had “a large enough market”. To this day, the 9th best NES game and 38th best game of all time (according to Japanese gaming bible Famitsu) has never seen an official American release.
Yes. Yes it is.
That said, just because there’s not a large enough built-in market for the game doesn’t mean that one wouldn’t develop, given some the correct marketing. Just look at Katamari Damacy. NOBODY thought that game would fly in the States, but slap a $20 price tag on it, and all of sudden, people are willing to take a risk, and, in turn, find one of the most satisfying games of this decade.
The Game:
Commonly known online as “Secret of Mana 2″ (although, technically, Secret of Mana was actually Secret of Mana 2, it is not referred as such because such a paradox would create a vacuum of dimension-destroying proportions), Seiken Densetsu 3 (Legend of the Holy Sword 3) took it’s predecessor’s qualities to a whole new level. A truly amazing adventure/RPG, the game featured 3 main storylines, 6 concurrent backstories for the characters, and a class system.
Why was it never released in America?
3 main storylines, 6 concurrent backstories for the characters, and a class system. The game was actually in the middle of being translated when it was decided to shift focus to Super Mario RPG, which I suppose is a point that’s pretty difficult to argue with. Some argue that the somewhat similar Secret of Evermore was released in lieu of Seiken Densetsu 3. Nobody really knows if that’s true or not, but frankly, I wouldn’t be mad if it was. Considering the common quality of games coming from America at the time, it was nice to have at least one great game to notch on our belts since Asteroids. Personally, I believe the suggestion that the game wasn’t released due to the possible need for a recall. The game had a very difficult time being debugged; many times, when a bug was fixed, it would cause two more to pop up, both worse than the last. So frankly, I’m kinda glad. I’d rather wait, potentially forever, to play a game that works rather than play a game that glitches so bad that it makes my Super Nintendo radioactive. Not causing cancer is a rather important yet understated criteria when choosing a game. That’s why I ‘m declining to pick up a PS3.
(More to come! Check back later, or I’ll eat your brains)
Tomonobu Itagaki Calls Devil May Cry “Shallow”
http://kotaku.com/5010815/itagaki-not-impressed-with-devil-may-cry
In an interview with OXM UK, Tecmo/Team Ninja’s Tomonobu Itagaki said that the Devil May Cry series is “shallow”. I suppose it doesn’t have enough undulating titties for him. I’ll give him that Ninja Gaiden was an amazing game, and I respect his attempt at bringing Japanese gaming back to its reigning status (which would be awesome, because I’m tired as playing as a fucking space marine, the only idea American developers can seem to come up with), but how could the developer of Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball criticize anyone for being “shallow”?
Pictured above: deep gameplay.
Jack Thompson Killed by Gamer
Anti-Game Crusader shot to death outside of courthouse
Early yesterday morning, anti-video game protester Jack Thompson was shot to death during a protest against Rockstar Games’ new product, Grand Theft Auto IV. The identity of the shooter has not been confirmed, but witnesses say he was carrying a mouse and keyboard. The man snuck up behind Thompson, pulled the mouse and keyboard out of a trenchcoat, used the mouse to steady his aim, held the ctrl button to crouch, and fired one glowing laser shot. He then screamed “BOOM! HEADSHOT!” and escaped to the top of a building. Thompson’s body twisted a few times, then landed twisted up with his legs touching his back, not unlike a ragdoll. The shooter than made his escape. “He just jumped from one building to another, using his rocket boosters. I mean, I knew all along Jack was right about video games being evil, that’s in the Bible, but I didn’t realize he was this accurate about them turning kids into killing machines,” said Wayne Kalasky, a fellow protester following Thompson. “After he shot him, he fired about 3 of these huge missles into the courthouse, which for some reason didn’t even seem to make a dent in it, then hopped into a World War 2-era fighter plane, which immediately after liftoff he crashed into a wall.” Despite police investigations, no body has been found. “We believe he has reappeared, or, ‘respawned’ in another location,” said Tim Perkins, chief of police. The investigation is ongoing, and details will be posted as they come in.
Could Haggar’s Incumbency be Threatened?
Dean Rexley, a city councilman from Metro City, USA, has announced his candidacy in this year’s Metro City mayoral election, becoming the first to oppose incumbent Mike Haggar since his first term. In an interview with the Metro City Generic Press that has been described variously as “insane” and “suicidal”, Rexley stated his reasons for his campaign against Haggar. “13 terms is simply too many! The only reason Haggar was elected in the first place was his ‘anti-crime initiative’. Yes, I agree that Metro City had a crime problem at the time, but Haggar took it too far. In response to requests for increased police funding, Haggar simply walked down the street killing everyone in sight, viciously beating them with lead pipes and piledriving them into the concrete, headfirst. All of this culminated in Haggar dropkicking handicapped businessman Horace Belger out of his wheelchair and through a plate glass window to a deadly 11-story drop. I mean, the man eats barbeque he finds in oil drums! Do we really want someone like this running our town?” Upon hearing this, Haggar, who had been standing at the door waiting to be interviewed, shattered the door to splinters with his trademark Spinning Lariat, threw a knife into Rexley’s face, then suplexed him four times. Witnesses report Rexley then flashed 3 times and disappeared.
(This blogger endorses Mike Haggar for Metro City Mayor.)
