Wrath of the Lich King to Implement Cover System
Wrath of the Lich King, the latest expansion for popular MMO World of Warcraft, is slated to add a cover mechanic to its battle system. Like similar systems used by more action-oriented games, such as Gears of War and Army of Two, players will be able to “quickfind” cover at any point during battle with the press of a button.
“We thought the battle system could use a bit of an overhaul,” says Blizzard’s Joseph Redlin. “Granted, since the battle system is based on a chance-to-hit system and it doesn’t really matter if something makes physical contact with you or not, the cover really won’t affect anything, but we feel that in order to keep up with industry trends, implementing this system is a necessity. Also, we are rich as fuck. I mean, seriously. We’re like Scrooge McDuck; in fact, we actually have a swimming pool sized vault full of gold coins. We can pretty much do whatever we want. Good example: we paid Ferrari $36 million dollars for the exclusive rights to use their products in games. Our games are fantasy and sci-fi based! We’ll never use them! But now no one else can either. Ha ha ha!”
Essentially, the new play mechanic is operated by pressing a button (designated by the player), which leads the player’s character to hide behind a nearby structure. Many players have raised concerns that the system is “stupid” and “retarded gay”. “A good amount of attacks in WoW are melee attacks, both for ranged- and melee-based classes, so running away isn’t really going to help, not to mention that the monsters follow you at about the same speed, if not faster, most of the time, so cover’s not going to help when something running with you,” said player James Trevonius. “You’re basically just going to press your back up against a wall while a monster tears your dick off. That’s not a very good value at $30. But, it’s a WoW product, so I guess I’m kinda required to buy it.”
Other mechanics were originally suggested before the developers decided on the cover system. “Other ideas included motion controls, a rumble feature, 3D glasses… we were pulling stuff out of the cliche handbook,” said Redlin. “At one point, we planned to use Mii-like avatars. We worked on them for a month before we realized that’s essentially all the game is to begin with. One person even suggested a multimedia CD-ROM game, like Myst. I said ‘Buddy, have you even played the game?’ And of course, he hadn’t. Then we all went out, got ripped on Goldschlager, and drove dune buggies around on a golf course. We whipped the cover thing up the next day.”
Blizzard expects the new expansion to sell over 9 million copies.
Reviews on Ritalin: R-Type
My friend, Mumblin’ ADHD Joe, has asked if he can write a review for me. I, being the kind and benevolent soul I am, said yes. So, pending Joe’s $200 payment, I proudly present Joe’s Reviews on Ritalin: R-Type.
(Yes, I know R-Type is 21 years old. It still kicks ass, so if you’re going to complain, just save me some time and tell yourself to eat a wheelbarrow full of flaming dicks.)
R-Type is a shoot-them-up game released in arcades in 1987. It has 8 levels, 3 weapons, 7 bosses, 987 enemies, 6,796 stars in the background, and it took me 84 quarters to beat it, which is 21 dollars, or 2,241.77 yen.
R-Type is very difficult. I spent exactly 9 hours, 34 minutes, and 17 seconds attempting to memorize the entire level so I could make it through completely untouched.
Took more medication. Slowing.
Graphics: Each ship is made of 486 pixels.
Sound: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Gameplay: Game is very. Play.
(Joe then stopped writing and started staring at his pants, saying “These are out of style as of right….” before finishing 10 minutes later with “now.” and walking out of the room. I dunno where he went after that.)
Crackdown – Can Reviews Be Over a Year Late?
Ok guys, I know this is kind of late, but I’ve decided to review Crackdown. Mostly because I exist in a dimension outside of time and space, where a man can play years-old video games for the first time, genuinely enjoy Styx’s 1972 Crystal Ball album without a touch of irony, and not know what a “Hannah Montana” is, despite being under the age of 40.
Pictured above: Hannah Montana.As I’ve said, the shooter aspect of Crackdown really isn’t that great on its own. All the guns are either grossly inaccurate or extremely underpowered, and you basically just press the auto-lock-on button and hold the fire button until they’re dead, which even at the top possible firearms rating takes about 15 seconds unless you’re immediately next to the minority you’re shooting. When you’re surrounded by 30 people pumping ammo into you, this is not helpful.
That said, everything else is a blast. Even running from one objective to another can be fun, since you get to jump from building to building to get there. I tend to get distracted, because I’m incredibly spiteful to NPCs (in every game, but especially here). For example, say I’m running to kill a gang boss, and I decide to run against heavy traffic on the interstate. Cars are speeding towards me at 100 miles per hour. One has the audacity to hit me. Do I accept that as my punishment from playing on the interstate? Of course not! I pull the driver out of his car, kick him in the face, and throw his car into the river, and leave him to try and shamble his shattered body across the still-busy interstate, which usually doesn’t work out successfully. And if my police allies see me do it and try to bring me down? I murder wave after wave of them, killing many citizens in the process. It’s even fun with non-innocents. Case in point: One time a huge semi full of Russian immigrants was speeding towards me, presumably planning to hit me, then shoot me to death. What was my solution? I stepped slightly out of the way, and kicked the truck into the river as they sped by. They all drowned. I think there were children on board. God, I love this game.
No, you stop blocking the highway! By you and your entire family DROWNING!
Except Halo Wars. If I could somehow find a hole in the trailers for that game, I would have sex with it.
