New Sonic Game to Find Other Beloved Childhood Memories, Rape Them
Sega’s latest Sonic the Hedgehog game, “Sonic the Hedgehog: Reputation Fuckers!”, will put a new spin on the recently rebooted series’ formula. According to lead designer Ruben Alvarez, the game will “shatter barriers once thought unbreakable” by “finding everything you’ve ever loved and destroying it.”
In a press conference Saturday, Alvarez elaborated on this statement, saying “We here at Sega have tried really hard for the last few years to make gamers hate us and to completely ruin the good standing we have in the gaming community that has resulted from our entire history until about 2004, but despite our efforts, some people still have fond memories of us. We keep giving mediocrity our all, but somehow it hasn’t worked. We suffered a big setback from our unfortunately excellent hit Yakuza, so we’ve tried to redouble our efforts, creating bad Sonic game after bad Sonic game, even going as far as to shit on the original Sonic the Hedgehog, a move no one believed was even possible. The game was already done! All we had to do was port it! Yet, we still managed to successfully make it awful. Somehow this wasn’t enough for the community at large.”
After their exeunt from the hardware market in 2002, Sega was on top of the world, at least as far as credibility. The company became almost universally praised for its software, with hits such as Super Monkey Ball and Virtua Fighter 4. However, it didn’t lead to a large enough increase in sales, and, as a result, the company was sold to Sammy in 2003, at which point the company’s focus became, to quote their corporate slogan, to “topple everything (their) forebears have built.” Most games from the company since have encapsulated this philosophy, but according to Alvarez, the company has “frequently been challenged by attempts to create a horrible product that no one can enjoy.”
“A large part of this is that programmers continually refuse to make the game as bad as it could possibly be. We’ve tried hitting them, we’ve tried yelling at them, we’ve even threatened to have them incinerated. And then, just to show we’re serious, we actually do it! Many of them still haven’t been deterred. But we think we’ve stumbled upon the right combination of people this time. And, as a result, we’re going to corner the market on terrible games.”
“The hardest part about making a game bad is that it’s difficult to find what people hate. However, thanks to technology that is available to us in this modern day and age, that problem can be circumvented. Our newest game will begin with a required survey concerning things you loved when you were younger. The results of this survery are submitted to us via XBox Live, where we will update your game, live, into a nightmarish, unbearable desecration of all your most treasured memories. It’s truly revolutionary. And don’t think this will extend only to your favorite Sega characters; we intend to cover everything you loved, from Transformers to the red bike your parents bought you when you were 8.”
“The player will then be released into a sandbox world full of these things, changed to fit our bile-filled vision. For example, Snake-Eyes from G.I. Joe, surely a beloved memory from anyone in the 80s, would be transformed into an anthropomorphic snake-ninja who rapes your mom as she’s making chocolate chip cookies, over and over again. It will be extraordinarily, possibly even disastrously expensive, but it will be worth it to achieve our goal of being universally reviled by gamers.”
The game is set to be released in late November, just in time for Christmas, a bastardized version of which the game is set in. Preorders will include a DVD of Sonic sodomizing your grandparents, over and over again, for an hour.
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