The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 4
7: Mark “Super” Duper (Tecmo Bowl)
I enjoy getting into conversations about sports, mostly solely because my entire sports trivia knowledge comes from video games.
For example, thanks to the Greatest Sports Game Ever(tm), Tecmo Bowl, I know that the Miami Dolphins were completely unstoppable in the 80s and early 90s. I know that Dan Marino could throw a football from one stadium to another in a different city. I’ve learned that all cheerleaders are horrible, monstrous challenges to God’s rainbow promise to love everyone.
It’s sad when Aerosmith presents a sexier halftime show.
However, the main thing I’ve learned from sports games is that Mark Duper could outrun Jesus.
Together, Dan Marino and Mark Duper were dubbed “The Touchdown Factory” by me, age 8. Mark Duper was untouchable by the defense because he could run so fast he would ignite, leaving only a trail of melted astroturf and dead blockers behind him. Combined with the fact that Dan Marino could throw a 100-yard pass, it literally would have been possible to win games with just those two players.
Get used to seeing this if you’re playing against the Dolphins. You’ll end up on the floor in a fetal position repeating it.
One time, while I was in high school, I played a game of Tecmo Bowl against a friend of mine. As is par-the-course with sports games, he began trash talking. I don’t know what a “quarter-back” is, but apparently mine was not good enough to eclipse the accomplishments of his “unstoppable Indianapolis offense”. Had he ever even heard of football? Everybody knows Indianapolis is the worst team in the NFL, and I don’t know who “Peyton Manning” is, but he’s certainly not Chris Chandler. He continue by saying his “pre-call snap audibles” were going to destroy me. I said “Listen buddy, I don’t know what that is, but unless you’ve got a Game Genie hooked up to this motherfucker, your team doesn’t have anything that can ‘destroy’ my team. You’ve only got 4 attacks, and all 4 leave the team unharmed. But you’d better get ready for my unstoppable ‘pass 3 run 1′ combo, BITCH!”
I beat him 64-0.
So it’s been established that Mark Duper is unquestionably the greatest football player ever, as well as the fastest living creature ever. But how can I consider him a boss? Well, simply put, if you’re playing against the Dolphins, you’re going to lose. It’s as simple as that. But, a secret not many people know about is that if you manage to beat the Dolphins (which of course can only be done by cheating and playing as the Dolphins), the rest of the team combines with Duper to form the unstoppable Robo-Duper. This metal-and-flesh behemoth tramples over everything in its path, and victory over it is impossible. This only happened once in real life, during the Dolphins 1989 season. It took the Air Force 2 weeks of nonstop carpet bombing to stop it, and America lost its first city: Baltimore.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
Thanks to this article, I can no longer get away with picking the Dolphins when playing Tecmo Bowl with friends. Thanks a lot, Mark Duper.
The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 3
Well, the first part of this article seemed to go over quite well with all three people who read the site, so here’s part 2.
8: Death (Castlevania)
Everybody knows how much of a cock Death is. He hides in the shadows, always waiting for us. He took John Ritter from us one cold September morn. He wears a gay cloak that thousands of goth kids try to imitate. It should just be obvious that he’s an asshole as a boss, too.
And he is. Oh god, is he ever. His attacks vary from game to game, but he always makes sure to cause floating scythes to materialize and hit you ALL OVER THE GODDAMN SCREEN. These later become heat-seeking floating scythes. I mean, I get it. He’s Death. Great! Does he have to be such a dick about it?
Of course, these are the least of Death’s problems. While Death is frequently featured on “hardest bosses” lists, he’s never cited for his most serious crime.
In Symphony of the Night, Death is the first of Dracula’s cronies you meet. He materializes and gives a short speech giving Dracula’s kid Alucard a chance to turn back, since his dad is Death’s best buddy. When Alucard refuses (which is pretty ballsy considering he’s talking to the biggest mass murderer in history), Death disarms him and strips all of his clothes off.
Death is a child molester.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
Well, outside of the fact that he violated his best friend’s kid like a hillbilly in a bowling alley bathroom, I’d say probably the worst thing about Death is that he’s one of the last bosses you fight. It seems like it’d be a lot easier if you could just kill Death and be completely unstoppable for the rest of the journey. Then again, I guess nothing else would die either. But then, they’re undead, so how does that work exactly?
Scratch that.
Death’s biggest display of dicketry is creating confusing logical and philosophical problems.
The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 2
9: Tie – Vega and Balrog (Street Fighter)
Street Fighter was always full of assholes. You had Sagat, who would not just laugh, but cackle at you if he won, like you had just slipped on a goddamn banana peel. There was M. Bison, who had godlike Psycho Power and basically just used it to tackle people from a few feet away. There was Chun-Li, who was a woman. But none of them came close to Vega and Balrog, the Laurel and Hardy of douchery.
These two dick whistles were basically M. Bison’s elite guard, there to stop you from getting to Sagat, who was ostenably there to protect Bison, but was really there to antagonize Ryu. So, perhaps to compensate for having such a useless job, Balrog and Vega became obnoxious cocks.
Balrog, the first of the Dickwad Duo, is a boxer who absolutely does not look like anyone currently boxing professionally.
No resemblance to anyone, as you can see.
His punches do a ludicrous amount of damage, he’s fast, and I’m not good with distances, but I estimate his arms to be at least 8 feet long. What makes him such an asshole is that he’s the only character in any Street Fighter game, and possibly the earliest AI-controlled character ever, to literally showboat before he kills you. In the original arcade version of Street Fighter II, once you get down to a low amount of health, and especially if you’re dizzy, Balrog will use his dreaded Turn Punch to finish you rather than a regular attack. The Turn Punch is one of the most damaging moves in the game, doing up to 50% damage if charged enough. Also, it’s a totally asshole looking thing to do, as he turns around and stands there holding his arm back before he actually hits you.
Vega, on the other hand, is a lithe, effeminate prettyboy whose entire play style is based around poking you in the chest with his claw. Sometimes he’ll jump and poke you, other times he’ll duck and poke you. One way or another, he’s going to poke you, and yes, I do know that sounds totally gay. That’s because Vega is totally gay. To illustrate this, here’s a list of quotes from Vega that I would say were taken out of context if there was a context to begin with. Try to read them as a narrative:
“I contribute to society. I remove all its filth. Got a gripe with that?”
“So, answer me. Just who is the fairest of them all?”
“Praise me! Extol me! My beauty is unparalleled!”
“This room is bland…I know. I’ll use you to paint it red!!!”
“Vega says scream!”
“Mmmh…Tasty…Just like red wine…”
“Your cries of agony… They are music to my ears.”
“Handsome fighters never lose battles.”
“And just how long did you think I would be satisfied serving the likes of you?!”
“Your moment spent with beauty is now over….Adios!”
Vega, pictured trapped in a whirlwind of homosexuality.
So, as you can see, that’s concrete evidence he’s gay. In addition to having sex with men, Vega also enjoys climbing the walls, jumping around, and generally flipping out. There may be harder opponents in Street Fighter, but none infuriate you quite as much as Vega.
Except maybe Cammy.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
For Balrog, probably the biggest dick thing he does is denigrate Mike Tyson. He seems to hint at rape, he’s violent, he’s crazy, he has a gap in his teeth, he even threatens to bite his opponent’s ear. Come on, Balrog. The guy’s been through enough.
With Vega, it’s almost hard to decide. He has a lot of dick personality traits, an entire bag of douche, one might say. Blood fetishism, narcissism, arrogance, murder, insanity… still though, I would have to say the most asshole thing about Vega is that stupid climbing attack he does. I hate that fucking move.
The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 1
The boss is a vital part of single player gaming. For many games, the boss is the only part of the game that comes anywhere close to being a match for playing against another human. The boss represents the ultimate challenge in a game, the last obstacle in a long road toward saving the princess/city/world/precious, precious gold. Often, the boss is fighting for money, revenge, or just some sweet, sweet poontang. That said, some bosses are just total assholes. Here’s a list of the worst offenders.
10: Elec Man (Mega Man)
One might say that I can replace Elec Man with, oh, say, literally any robot master in Mega Man 1-9, Dr. Wily (or any variant thereof), Proto Man, or even some of the regular enemies from the series (those goddammed robot birds or the Big Eye [this guy: 
] come to mind), but Elec Man really goes over the cliff in the asshole department.
Even before you reach him, Elec Man is going out of his way to piss Mega Man off. Unlike most of the other enemies, he doesn’t seem to be trying to kill Mega Man, he just wants him to be really frustrated when they fight. Elec Man’s tower is full of 70 foot tall ladders, and little switches that deliver a mild electric shock that causes the Blue Bomber to plummet all the way to the bottom of the chamber he just spent the last hour and a half climbing to the top of. He also converted most of his Roombas into little Battlebots (remember that show? Me neither.) that, while they don’t do much damage to Mega Man, are extremely difficult to hit and can only be briefly frozen rather than killed, and as a result tend to knock him off of platforms. Throw in the dreaded disappearing blocks, and you’ve got Mega Man’s equivalent of spilling hot coffee on your dick while stuck in a traffic jam.
He even looks arrogant.
Keep in mind, by the time Mega Man has reached Elec Man, he’s been shocked, shot, pushed off of platforms, trapped, stabbed, and is just generally pissed off. To top it off, the last part of the stage, rather than being a simple walk through a door like most bosses, is an arduous climb up the longest ladder in the game, chock full of electric switches and floating robots, and when you fall, not only do you have to start the climb over again, but you usually end up getting hit several times on the way down. When he finally gets into the little garage Elec Dick lives in, staggering from low health, all Mega Man wants to do is hit him a couple of times with the weapon he’s weak against and leave. No such luck. Elec Man’s weakness is the Rolling Cutter, which, due to the change in the angle it comes out at while jumping, is nearly impossible to hit someone with without getting hit. On top of that, Elec Man jumps around like a 5-year-old on meth, flipping back and forth and shooting enormous bolts of lighting at you that take out roughly 1/5th of your total health. With most bosses, if you’re low on health when you go to fight them, you can just die and start over with full health. With Elec Man you have to climb the Hell Ladder every time before you even get to him, so you’ll probably only have half of your health bar, which he’ll quickly reduce to nothing. Not that he really cares if you die, mind you, he’s just really more worried about pissing you off, and if straight-up killing you is a way to do it, then he’s willing to give it a try.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
After the first portion of climbing, there’s a large energy power up in a little alcove directly across from a large pit. By this point, you’re probably pretty low on health, and it looks perfectly reasonable to jump over, get it, and jump back. When you actually get to the platform, however, you realize you’re hopelessly, hopelessly fucked. The roof over the alcove makes it exceedingly difficult to jump back out, and if you can’t make it, you die instantly. It’s kind of akin to hanging a carrot in front of a horse, except instead of leading the horse around with it until he catches it, you lead him into a furnace.
