The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 6
5: Cyberdemon(Doom)
Ah, the Cyberdemon. “A missile-launching skyscraper with goat legs,” to quote the Doom II manual.
Essentially the boss of the second episode, the Cyberdemon really tested my mettle. I went into the battle with absolutely no clue how to beat it. It was so powerful; how could it be defeated? Still, I knew it was the only thing standing between me and freedom like 20 more levels of Hell. So, I did what came naturally to a hard-bitten, badass space marine with a big attitude and even bigger arsenal when confronted with a 10-foot-tall cybernetic goat demon with a rocket launcher arm: I pleaded for my life. Apparently the Cyberdemon is not the benevolent creature of mercy I thought it was. So, naturally, I decided to run away.
I ran through the level for about 20 minutes, and I never found a way back. I thought “I’ve got it! I’ll wait it out. It can’t live without food forever!” I found an alcove where I could hide safely, turned the monitor off, and waited about 6 days. When I came back, the Cyberdemon was still alive! I couldn’t figure it out. “Buck up,” I said to myself. “You need to be a man and take that thing on face to face.” I knew the only thing I could do to defeat the Cyberdemon was to do what man had done since the invention of the flintlock rifle: try to reason with him. I straightened up, looked him right in the eye, and said “Now, I know we’ve had our disagreements, but I think we can talk about this like adults. Is there anything I can do that would end this interaction in a positive way for you?” He started firing rockets, so again, I ran away.
I had tried everything. I even tried calling the police; apparently “Moon Hell” is not a location our worthless police department is worried about, thank you very much Bill Clinton. Yeah, bust people just because they stockpile thousands of guns in a compound, but don’t go arrest the giant cyborg goat devil that lives on the Moon in my computer.
Anyway, at that point, I was out of options. The only thing I could do was shoot myself with one of the 6 guns I was carrying. But, just as I had given up hope, I remembered I had an issue of Gamepro with a Doom feature! I viciously ripped through the pages like a dog until I found the one golden piece of information I needed:
As crazy as it was, it sure beat suicide. I went out and tried shooting at the Cyberdemon until it died, and guess what? It died! One demon down, an unlimited amount more to go. Thanks Gamepro! Now if I could only figure out how to beat all the other enemies in the game.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
I sent the Cyberdemon an email while I was hiding, and he never replied to me. What an ass! I mean, hello, he’s a Cyberdemon. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to send an email.
The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 5
6: Cowboys From Hell(Guitar Hero)
Yo, fuck Pantera.
This fucking song is singlehandedly the reason I can’t say I’ve beaten Guitar Hero on Expert. Every other song, even the boring ones (Like Undone by Helmet), complete and few under 4 stars. But I absolutely, positively CAN NOT (that’s right, I made the contraction an expansion) beat this fucking song. Really, the song as a whole isn’t too hard; it’s that fucking intro. nuhnuhnuhnuh nuhnuhnuhnuh nuhnuhnuhnuh NUHNUHNUH! If it wasn’t for this part the song would be a breeze. The intro wouldn’t even have to be that hard, they just made the decision to have it performed with hammer-ons. I’ve double, triple, quadruple checked the tabs for the intro on real guitar; it isn’t played with hammer-ons. The only thing I can figure is that they mistook “hammers on” for “hammer on”, and the original intention was for you to just randomly hit yourself with hammers, and no, I don’t think that theory is contrived and hard to believe. Several times I have chosen hitting myself with a hammer over playing Cowboys from Hell, and each time it’s slightly more pleasurable than actually playing the game.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
The biggest display of dicketry in this case is certainly that it had to be a Pantera song. If I’m going to play a song over and over again until my hands contort into a shape not physically possible according to all known medical logic, I’d like it to not be about a bunch of hicks who like to pretend they’re tough gay icons.
