The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 6
5: Cyberdemon(Doom)
Ah, the Cyberdemon. “A missile-launching skyscraper with goat legs,” to quote the Doom II manual.
Essentially the boss of the second episode, the Cyberdemon really tested my mettle. I went into the battle with absolutely no clue how to beat it. It was so powerful; how could it be defeated? Still, I knew it was the only thing standing between me and freedom like 20 more levels of Hell. So, I did what came naturally to a hard-bitten, badass space marine with a big attitude and even bigger arsenal when confronted with a 10-foot-tall cybernetic goat demon with a rocket launcher arm: I pleaded for my life. Apparently the Cyberdemon is not the benevolent creature of mercy I thought it was. So, naturally, I decided to run away.
I ran through the level for about 20 minutes, and I never found a way back. I thought “I’ve got it! I’ll wait it out. It can’t live without food forever!” I found an alcove where I could hide safely, turned the monitor off, and waited about 6 days. When I came back, the Cyberdemon was still alive! I couldn’t figure it out. “Buck up,” I said to myself. “You need to be a man and take that thing on face to face.” I knew the only thing I could do to defeat the Cyberdemon was to do what man had done since the invention of the flintlock rifle: try to reason with him. I straightened up, looked him right in the eye, and said “Now, I know we’ve had our disagreements, but I think we can talk about this like adults. Is there anything I can do that would end this interaction in a positive way for you?” He started firing rockets, so again, I ran away.
I had tried everything. I even tried calling the police; apparently “Moon Hell” is not a location our worthless police department is worried about, thank you very much Bill Clinton. Yeah, bust people just because they stockpile thousands of guns in a compound, but don’t go arrest the giant cyborg goat devil that lives on the Moon in my computer.
Anyway, at that point, I was out of options. The only thing I could do was shoot myself with one of the 6 guns I was carrying. But, just as I had given up hope, I remembered I had an issue of Gamepro with a Doom feature! I viciously ripped through the pages like a dog until I found the one golden piece of information I needed:
As crazy as it was, it sure beat suicide. I went out and tried shooting at the Cyberdemon until it died, and guess what? It died! One demon down, an unlimited amount more to go. Thanks Gamepro! Now if I could only figure out how to beat all the other enemies in the game.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
I sent the Cyberdemon an email while I was hiding, and he never replied to me. What an ass! I mean, hello, he’s a Cyberdemon. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to send an email.
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raddevon on 11.22.2008
There was evidently an influx of intellectuals at the GamePro offices in the 90′s.
Ninjapocalypse on 11.22.2008
Oh yeah, there really were. Even Time and Newsweek couldn’t compete with the journalistic mastery of Boba Fatt and Fart of War. True journalists.