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It would appear that E3 is back. It’s possible that it has been for a while, because I specifically stopped caring about E3 after they gutted it. I would eventually get all of the news anyway, so why bother tracking a series of boring press conferences if they don’t have any titties or monster trucks? Thankfully, this is no longer the case, and E3 is fun again. As such, here’s a recap of Day 1 that you’ve already read on other sites. I added dick jokes to make sure it’s worth reading again.

- Microsoft’s Press Conference

• MS started with a fucking bang. They really made an impression on just about everybody. This is exactly what a promotional press conference should be. Laden with plenty of revelations, plenty of actual gameplay videos, and most importantly, plenty of the kind of bullshit that is absolutely necessary for announcements like this.
• The biggest news is pretty much “Project Natal”, also known as “Project EyeToy”. Yet again, another developer misses the point about the Wii, not realizing that it’s having the ability to control something by moving your hand and not always jumping around like a spastic asshat that makes it palatable to everybody. It always seems as though other hardware designers, and sometimes even Wii software designers, see the commercials for the Wii with kids jumping around and assume that that’s the appeal of the system. This EyeToy camera for the 360 basically allows you to do the same thing as the Wii only also with your feet. It also allows for skateboard recognition and real-time dress trying-on. You know, for hardcore gamers, because only the dumb ol’ Wii targets anyone else.
• Crackdown 2 was announced. There’s not really a lot to say because not much was revealed, but I’m very, very excited about it. As I said before, I really enjoyed the first game, for no discernible reason, and I think this new one could be really good if they learn from their mistakes the first time around (I.E. more replay value, better gunplay, more to do outside of fighting racial gangs).
• Halo: ODST was shown, and despite my continued disdain for the Halo series as a whole, this actually looks really good. To be honest, it looks more like Metroid Prime than a Halo game, and the idea of a Metroid game set in the Halo universe could be delicious if executed properly. The environments in Halo games are always very bland, and that’s certainly not a problem with the Metroid series, but this game is to be set on Earth, and as far as Halo environs go, the Earth maps are definitely the most well-designed and interesting, so hopefully it will work out. Also, you don’t play as a hero designed by an 8-year-old (I.E. simplistic, invincible, and utterly devoid of anything even closely resembling personality; in a word, Master Chief), so the game just might stand a chance at being, dare I say it, interesting.
• Forza 3 is absolutely beautiful, and I don’t even like racing sims.
• Peter Molyneux’s new little tech demo is cute at first. After that, terrifying. Once the realization sets in that it’s essentially a tool to allow you to interact with a prepubescent boy in the privacy of your own home without the interference of parents, teachers, or law enforcement, I  feel as though, were I to walk into a store and purchase it, I would exit the store only to find Chris Hansen and a couple of armed police officers offering me a seat. Fortunately, the game can be bought in the privacy of one’s own home, so… yeah. I guess it’ll be neat if I ever want to know what to say to little boys to make them like me. Also, this “revolutionary” stuff that Peter Molyneux tries to append to everything he does applies even less here, because this game was already made (in a much more entertaining fashion, for that matter) 10 years ago. It was called Seaman, and it was narrated by Leonard Nimoy. Once again, Japan wins.
• Metal Gear Solid was revealed to be jumping to the Xbox, which leaves Sony with approximately 0 remaining franchises anybody cares about. LittleBigPlanet was totally awesome, but I don’t think the mainstream audience was smart enough to realize that, and Uncharted looks pretty cool, but far too generic in concept to catch anyone who doesn’t already own a PS3′s eye. And Killzone? The only people who bought Killzone were the people who felt they had to buy Killzone, the people who, desperate for something, anything to justify paying so much money for a machine that gets even multiplatform games a year late. Killzone was automatically good, regardless of the product itself. Sony had just told them for so long that it was good. It was required to be true. If you exist outside of that mindset, Killzone was just another generic moderately-well-designed space marine FPS, just like the first game, with nothing new to offer except a “purposely” messed up aiming system. Ok, that was a pretty bad tangent. Anyway, MGS:Rising looks pretty sweet. Kojima is my hero.
• Holy shitting fucks. I don’t even remember hearing about this, but I just looked, and Perfect fucking Dark is being released on XBLA. That’s amazing. It’s not quite the fully updated remake of Goldeneye that almost was, but a slightly updated rerelease of Perfect Dark is still pretty extraordinary.
• Finally, Facebook, Twitter, and Last.fm are going to be accessable on XBL. Frankly, I don’t give a shit. I’ve got like 10 devices in my house right now that can access all 3 of those things (and several more), most of which are portable and don’t require me to type either with a clunky chatpad or an even clunkier controller-based interface.

-Sony

• Sony introduced a new PSP, and… hmm. It’s cool in theory, and I think I probably play more downloaded games than I do UMDs, mostly because Jumping Flash and Wild ARMs are available, but I like having the ability to use a UMD when neccesary (I.E. Mega Man: Powered Up), and I certainly don’t want to pay 80 fucking dollars extra for a gimped PSP. Sony claims that all UMD-based games after the new system’s release and that “a majority” of the games released previously would be available for download, but honestly, I just don’t believe anything they say anymore. It’s like they’re just incapable of not lying about things, and that makes me suspect this is just another mistruth.
• Rockstar announced a PS3 exclusive called Agent. I can’t find much information on it, but it’s apparently set in the late 1970s, and that’s cool. I generally trust Rockstar, even though GTAIV wasn’t all that great. I’d kind of like to see what they would do with a non-open world game.
• The Last Guardian looks amazing. “Art” game designers should take a page from Team Ico on how to make a game that is beautiful, unique, innovative, and immersive without having to be pretensious or boring. They manage to pull off what every shit designer thinks they’re doing, creating an environment that is a large part of gameplay while still actually having gameplay, with an often metaphorical plot that speaks about human nature, and again I must state, without being pretensious. It’s a difficult line to tread, but Team Ico has pulled it off every time.
• ModNation Racers looks pretty cute. I like the concept. I don’t have much else to say.
• Gran Turismo is looking pretty sweet. I just pray to god they don’t pull the microtransaction bullshit they discussed at one time.
• Perhaps most importantly, Sony promised 50 new PSOne Classics, which will mean the end of my bank account, and likely my marriage, after I buy Final Fantasy VII, MGS, and like 20 other games. It’ll be worth it though.

- Nintendo

• New Super Mario Bros. looks great. I played the shit out of the first one, and this looks like Super Mario World to the first game’s Super Mario Bros. 3. This is a delicious prospect.
• The new Metroid might be really good, or really insulting to the rest of the series, depending on how Team Ninja handles it. Keep in mind, Tomonobu Itagaki, and honestly, I’m not sure if that makes a case for it being good or bad. In any case, I hope it’s nothing like Ninja Gaiden or especially Dead or Alive. I don’t want to see Samus’s jiggling tits, and I don’t want to rack up a 500-hit combo. I want to play a goddammed Metroid game. Change can be implemented in the Metroid games very well while still keeping the spirit of the series; just look at Metroid Prime. That game was amazing, and it was distinctly a Metroid game, goddammit. Don’t disappoint me, Team Ninja.
• Super Mario Galaxy was the first game to give me the same sense of childlike wonderment I got the first time I played Mario 64, so I hope I get the same effect from the sequel. It’s got Yoshi in it!
• Golden Sun is one of the unsung heroes of the last generation of handhelds, so I hope the new one is successful. I’m already pretty sure it’ll be fun.

- Ubisoft

• Ubisoft had an amazing showing. Hahaha, just kidding. There was nothing even remotely worth reviewing. I can’t even figure out how they got a conference.

That hits basically everything I can think of. If I think of more I’ll add more. It’s too fucking late and I’m not funny anymore. Now that I have this out of the way I’m gonna review the Earthbound strategy guide. Any recommendations on a cbz viewer that takes screenshots? Otherwise I’m either gonna be spending time painstakingly editing menu stuff out, or, more likely, taking sloppy camera phone pictures of the actual pages.

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