5 Oddly Sexual Pieces of Mario Merchandise.
I feel like I owe you guys something feature length. All my posts recently have been 150-word little cop-outs. I also don’t think they’ve been as “funny” as they have “vitriolic”, so hopefully this will make up for all that. Here goes.
As we all know, Mario is now more recognizable to children worldwide than Mickey Mouse is. The most likely cause for this is that Mario is far superior in every way to Mickey Mouse. Regardless, with great popularity comes a shitstorm of merchandise, and Mario is no exception. The one strange thing about Mario, however, is how much of his merchandise seems to be oddly sexualized. Check out these kinky items:
Mario Party 7 Tissue Box
I’m really not comfortable with the idea of Mario masturbating, and if it wasn’t for this tissue box, I’d never have thought about it. Now, the idea of a Mario tissue box is fine; there’s nothing wrong with dispensing tissues, and it doesn’t make my mind immediately jump to jerking off. But look at that pose Mario is in. It just screams “Ahhhh, yeah. I got an hour to myself, I got my mushrooms, I got my tissues… time for Mario to… grow.” *Shudder*
Super Mario Bros. 2 “Bow-Biters”
I will admit that there’s really nothing particularly sexual about these unless you’re in a certain mindset; namely, that of a 13-year-old boy. However, if you’re in that mindset, there are at least 100 different disgusting things you can think of relating to the position Messrs. Mario and Luigi are in there. I have too much class to bring myself down to that level (which is why my site has a tag called “undulating titties”), but I’m sure your imaginations can fill in the rest.
The Mario “Keep Jumpin’” Pen
Ok, this goes beyond misinterpreting something with an oversexualized mind. This isn’t something that is up to your imagination or anything. This is Mario with a pen shoved straight up his ass. To get the pen nib to come out, you shove the end farther up his ass, and to make it go back in you release it a bit. There’s no way around it; this is thing is perverse.
Mario DS Holder
This is poseable, so it may not always look this gross, but so help me god, this promo picture makes it look like Mario is totally ready to give a handjob to whoever wants it. I don’t know exactly what a Nintendo DS holder is for, or why you would need a big action figure to hold it, so I guess I’m trying to invent a use for it, but jesus.
Fuuuuuuck that’s creepy. Mario is waaaaay too excited in that 3rd panel. He looks like he’s about to go to town on that poor little boy. Now, the princess’s panels, on the other hand… that’s the first thing in this article that I can totally get behind. Still, you have to wonder if she’s not inadvertently moving that kid’s biological clock up to puberty a little too fast. He looks like he’s about 6 or 7. On the track he’s getting put on here, he’s gonna end up dropping out of school at 15 to take care of his 10 kids and screeching white trash wife. He’s going to work at a McDonalds until he dies in a 4-wheeler accident at 34. Thanks a lot Princess. You just ruined that kid’s life, you slut.
The biggest question I have about this ad, though, is where in the hell did it originate? It’s a Revlon product, and it’s in English, but the English is really, really bad. “Beautiful bubble DOS”? The operating system? What the hell is that supposed to mean? “Good clean bubbles”? Well, that’s good to know it’s not full of filthy tar bubbles like that fucking Sonic the Hedgehog shampoo I was considering. However, I give them credit for “We smell so fruity fresh!”. That’s a great quote. I want a t-shirt that says that. Hell, I may make it this site’s new slogan. “Catchy Name News: We Smell So Fruity Fresh!” Hell yeah. That’s a gooooood slogan.
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