Why The Hell Not, More Mario Merchandise
I really enjoyed writing that article about the crazy Mario items. As a result, I’m going to write about more of them. Hope you guys enjoyed it too, because this is going to take a while. A lot of these are from Brett “Nightram” Martin’s Video Game Memorabilia Museum, so curts to him. You should check the site out, it’s pretty ridiculously awesome. On to the first… thing:
Unpainted Toad Chancellor (from Super Mario RPG) Figure
This really isn’t that great of a figure, but what is notable about it is that this may be the most obscure Mario character ever made into a figure. And that’s saying something, considering everybody from Rocky Wrench to Ninji have been made into figures. The Toad Chancellor is the head of government of the Mushroom Kingdom, answering only to Princess Toadstool. What makes him obscure is that not only is he a background leader who only rules while Princess Toadstool is away, but also he’s only in one game: Super Mario RPG, one of the most obscure (and best) games in the Mario series. Now, obviously, “obscure” isn’t a term that means too much in a series as popular as Mario, but the game is still a strange option for any merchandise, especially for merchandise based on extremely obscure characters. A bit of looking around also returns these:
Jester
Most of the main characters, and, oddly, another Toad Chancellor
Belome
Jonathan Jones
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
These are so awesome. Just seeing them, even unpainted, sent me into capitalism overdrive. I was screaming at the monitor, begging it to please, please give me the figures, stuffing all my cash and credit cards into the CD drive. Now the computer doesn’t seem to work right. Oh well, not my problem, the school owns this computer.
The last two are especially awesome to me, as Belome and Jonathan Jones may very well be my two favorite obscure characters of all time. Just the very idea of being able to own merchandise featuring them sends a rush of endorphins to my head that I can’t quite handle. The things I endure to write for you people.
Boshi Stuffed Figure
In a similar vein, here’s a stuffed Boshi figure. Although he looks like Yoshi redefined as an “extreme” mascot who may partake of Mountain Dew or perhaps wakeboarding, he’s actually just Yoshi’s asshole friend who likes to steal cookies from everybody. He’s pretty obscure as well, seeing as how he is only featured in an optional side quest (in which you race him while riding Yoshi to make him stop being a dick about the cookie thing). Anyway, this is a pretty awesome plush, really detailed and accurate to the game. Interesting side story: as a result of Boshi (and another version of Yoshi in a Chinese Mario Kart knock-off named Yossi), I’ve gotten to where I can’t just say “yoshi” flat-out with out calling him Boshi, Bosher, Yossee, or something like that. Well, I guess that side story wasn’t as “interesting” as it was “time-consuming”. Sorry.
Counterfeit New Super Mario Bros. Wallet
In addition to the already gigantic amount of official Mario merchandise available on the market even now, there’s also, as there is with any popular character, a giant market of counterfeited items. There are plenty of examples of shitty fake merchandise from the Mario series, but this is the most interesting. The art on the front appears to be an oddly colored depiction of Yoshi hatching in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, which doesn’t make any sense, considering the logo at the top says “New Super Mario Bros.” Speaking of the logo, that isn’t the regular logo for New Super Mario Bros.. Not only is it not the one used on the game’s box or most of the official merchandise (although it has been used in a few places), it’s also really oddly colored. Most notably, Mario’s eyes appear to be soulless blue portals, not unlike Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen. As you can see, the Chinese (I assume it’s Chinese, since that’s where every shitty counterfeit toy comes from) have no respect for or skill at making counterfeit merchandise, although it’s better the massive wave of counterfeit Pikachus that invaded flea markets, county fairs, and other places where white trash pop up to make a buck.
BONUS ITEM! This Weird Mario Picture I Found
While searching for verification on the New Super Mario Bros. logo, I found this weird/awesome picture.
It’s apparently by some guy from DeviantArt named MicToon. All of his pictures pretty much look like this, but this is the best one. I’ve found just about any caption makes it funny. Examples:
I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH THE TIME OF CLEANSING IS AT HAND
WHEN YOU GO TO THE STORE WILL YOU PICK ME UP A CARTON OF MARLBOROS
I JUST ATE A BEEHIVE
DOES ARBYS HAVE SOME KIND OF FISH SANDWICH, I'M CRAVING A FISH SANDWICH
I'M GONNA EAT YOUR DOG
As soon as I get the time I’m seriously gonna make a comic with this picture.
On The Saboteur, The WWII Game You Haven’t Heard Of For Some Reason
I’ll never understand precisely why, but for some reason no one seems to ever cover The Saboteur. Occasionally you’ll see a blurb about it in a magazine or on a website, but no one has said anything extensive about it. Maybe Pandemic isn’t making much progress on it? I guess that’s possible, but the fucker comes out in like 2 months. Most media outlets seem to be treating it as though it has no mainstream appeal.
For those (probably many) of you who don’t know what The Saboteur is, let me explain to you why the “mainstream appeal” argument is bullshit. Saboteur is a 3rd-person stealth game by Pandemic Studios set for release December 2nd. It’s the story of a raucous Irish race car driver (based on William Grover-Williams, a real person) who is attempt to free Nazi-occupied France in WWII by blowing shit up. WWII, a badass Irishman race car driver, explosions, dead Nazis… how does this not have mainstream appeal?
Despite the fact that it sounds like a generic dumb action movie on paper, in practice it’s a beautiful and artistic game. The most obvious way in which this is represented is the color scheme. Basically, areas still occupied by Germany are primarily monochrome, with the occasional blazing red German flag or armband. In addition to making these elements boldly stand out in an artistic sense, it also helps identify targets from further distances. Upon ending the occupation of a zone, color rushes back to the area. The best example I’ve seen of how this can be used artistically is described in Mike Schramm’s hands-on article on Joystiq. In it, he describes saving a farmer and his daughter from Nazis in a flaming barn, and upon saving them, the father’s eyes suddenly turned blue, then color returned to the rest of the area. Little artistic choices like that are a big reason I’m really looking forward to this game. Also, I hope I’ll be the number 1 Google search result for “Nazis in a flaming barn”.
The Saboteur comes out December 8th. I’m probably going to get it shortly afterward, so look for a review. I’m a fan of Pandemic’s major games, so I’m sure it’s going to be fun as well. At least I won’t be storming the beaches of fucking Normandy again. I get it, designers, Saving Private Ryan was a great movie. Anyway, here’s the trailer from E3 and some gameplay footage. Enjoy.
