The 5 Raddest Mario Vehicles.
Mario has driven some pretty fucking cool vehicles. First and foremost, he’s driven Yoshi since 1991. Yoshi won’t be on this list, though, because Yoshi’s a self-made man. He doesn’t need Mario’s bullshit for us to know who he is; he does his own thing, getting bitches and eating cookies shaped like his head. Kind of like Mr. T did in the late 80s.
No, this is a list of Mario’s other vehicles; the ones Mario used just a few times and abandoned because he just can’t quit Yoshi.
Sky Pop (Super Mario Land)
The Sky Pop is pretty much as awesome as a vehicle could possibly get. First of all, it’s called the Sky Pop, and that’s awesome in and of itself. In fact, I’m going to start calling my car the Land Pop, and assuming I ever get my right to drive back from the damn State, I’m going to drive around with a banner that says Land Pop. I don’t care if I did drive through a farmer’s market, or if the farmer’s market was being visited by a field trip for the county’s best and brightest 3rd graders. My forefathers didn’t fight Abraham Lincoln in World War I for me to sit at home watching reruns of Mama’s Family, except on Wednesday and Saturday, because those are my Mama’s Family nights.
Anyway, the Sky Pop.
It’s this sweetass plane Mario flies in Super Mario Land. You see, some bad shit went down in Super Mario Land, and Mario’s other woman, Daisy, got kidnapped by this asshole alien, Tatanga. He had a space ship, so Mario, feeling the need to prove himself more of a man than some purple alien bitch, flew right out into space in a damn biplane. But don’t worry about his safety, he wore goggles and a helmet. That’s all Mario needs to resist gravity, the lack of air, and absolute zero temperatures. Mario flew in, shot down Tatanga’s spaceship, and flew home. Then he humped Daisy and headed back to the Mushroom Kingdom.
To be honest, I don’t understand exactly what the deal is with the Super Mario Land series. There is no actual Super Mario Land, because the game takes place in Sarasa Land. And where the hell is that? Is that part of the Mushroom Kingdom, or outside of it? If it’s part of it, how does Mario get away with humping Daisy without Princess Toadstool ordering his head to be chopped off? If it isn’t part of it, where the hell is it, and how did Mario get there? The Mushroom Kingdom is balls huge. It’s got to be the size of like 10 Asias or something. It’s got every imaginable type of terrain. What landmass could possibly exist outside of the Kingdom? And why the hell does Mario think he’s entitled to just waltz in and start calling it Super Mario Land?
So yeah, anyway, the Sky Pop. It was like this plane Mario flew once.
My Favorite Thing About It:
It always makes me happy no matter what.
Here’s a picture of it:
Look at that shit! Tell me that didn’t just make your day. Look, even Mario’s happy. He’s raising his fist all like “FUCK YEAH SKY POP! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!” And he’s right. It totally is.
Bob-Omb Car (Mario Kart: Double Dash and Mario Kart Wii)
This vehicle made the list sheerly because of the balls it has to take to drive one of these motherfuckers. The Bob-Omb Car is literally a drivable explosive. And it’s only purpose is to drive around some Mario Kart tracks looking for some dick to cut him off or drive on the wrong side of the road, and BAM! Fucker blows up. I take back what I said; driving one of these wouldn’t just take balls, it would take some kind of insane fury, wrought by some terrible agony inflicted upon the driver, the kind of sheer hatred of bad driving that begins at a young age and ends up in an insane asylum or splattered all over the wall in front of 30 federal agents and the National Guard. THAT’S why the Bob-Omb Car made this list.
There aren’t many good pictures for me to steal, so here’s a bad one:
The sinister glowing eyes, the lit fuse, the expressionless face… these are the signs of evil if I’ve ever seen them.
My Favorite Thing About It:
I guess my favorite thing about the Bob-Omb Car is that it isn’t real. God knows I’ve made a few mistakes driving (just ask one of the 40 plaintiffs across 24 states currently involved in legal action against me), and that would worry me, but I’m even more afraid that I’d end up using one myself. I’m glad I can rest assured that no automaker would ever build something this retarded (well, maybe Ford). It’s kind of like if the Space Shuttle had been outfitted with a nuclear warhead at the end.
Koopa Clown Car (Super Mario World and all kinds of other games)
Hell yes.
I love this thing. I don’t know exactly what it is (it seems to be an aerodynamically impossible single-seat helicopter), but I would kill someone, right in front of their own mother, to get one for myself. If I had one of these my life would be perfect. I wouldn’t have to worry about money, or the environment, or politics or anything, I could just ride around and throw stuff at people and be awesome every day. I would blare Def Leppard songs out of it and pick up chicks and then we would fly to Spain and yell at the stupid Spaniards. Then the girls would laugh and tell me I’m awesome. And they’d be right, because I would have the Koopa Clown Car. Obviously, this is a fantasy I’ve had since about 1st grade.
This is a picture from the Super Mario World cartoon, instead of from one of the games, but I think it’s the funniest looking picture of the thing I can find.
I like that it seems blissfully uncaring about Bowser yelling at slaves through a vagina. All vehicles should look so disinterested.
My Favorite Thing About It:
My favorite thing about the Koopa Clown Car is that it actually has the ability to change its expression from happy to angry to murderous. That would be extremely useful on the road. For example, say you’re on the interstate and some asshole in a red pickup truck (only assholes drive red pickup trucks, so that’s kinda redundant) cuts you off without signaling (which is going to happen because, as far as I can tell, red pickup trucks are not issued with turn signals. If they were, I would have seen at least one of the fucking drivers actually use it by now. Surely there aren’t that many mentally disabled drivers who are able to get credit to buy a $25000 truck). All of a sudden, the expression on your car’s face goes from happy to angry. Then the truck slows waaaaaaay down in front of you, but cuts you off every time you try to pass. Finally, you get around it and start going faster, but the driver, embarrassed about his tiny 2 inch dick (as all drivers of red pickup trucks are), starts speeding up and tailgating you. Then your car’s face turns from angry to a face depicting a demented hatred. You look at the driver, say “Yeehaw, hoss! This here like NASCAR ain’t it?!?”, then start throwing mildly retarded robot turtles at his car, causing him to swerve off the side of the road. As you turn and continue down the road, you hear the truck explode behind you, and you feel confident in yourself for having made the world a better place. Then you drive around with supermodels and make every man jealous of you as you fly to Spain and make fun of those stupid Spaniards. Such is the life of the owner of a Koopa Clown Car.
Lakitu’s Cloud (Most Mario games, but specifically Super Mario World)
Imagine this with Mario in it instead of a masturbating voyeuristic turtle.
For the man who likes to travel in style. There are few classier rides than Lakitu’s Cloud. Of course, you have to pay for that style. With murder. This is the only ride I can think of that Mario has to straight-up kill for. But once you get a hold of it, you are less a plumber than a god. Lakitu’s Cloud allows Mario access to anything he wants, whenever he wants, and, especially after playing level 4-1 of Super Mario Bros., gives some much needed vindication to the victims of one of the most obnoxious enemies in Mario history. I’ve gotten good enough at the SMB that I can generally kill Lakitu and get through the level without him being a problem, but in the days of my youth, Lakitu made the game such a bitch that I was lucky to get more than three levels into the game (Three, because at the end of level 1-2 there is of course a warp zone, and I couldn’t not use it to go into the furthest level possible, which was of course the first level with Lakitu. I knew it was there, therefore, I had to use it.) But all that changed with Super Mario World. Murdering Lakitu and taking his cloud was like asking the most popular girl in high school to the dance, and then raising your fist in triumph as she just blows you right in front of the whole student body.
My Favorite Thing About It
Honestly, as awesome as it is to use Lakitu’s Cloud in Super Mario World, it was probably actually more useful as an item in Super Mario Bros. 3, where it could be used to actually skip an entire level. This came in most handy with the World 2 desert level, because in that level is the fucking angry-ass sun. I don’t know what Mario did to make the sun angry, but whatever it was, he’s fucking pissed at him. So much so that he’s willing to fly to the Earth just to try to murder him. He even looks incredibly pissed:
Fuck.
I was terrified of this sun as a kid. I know the stereotype is that gamers are afraid of the sun, and I hate to reinforce stereotypes, but come on. Look at that fucking thing. If this is where the stereotype comes from I think I totally agree with it.
Kuribo’s Shoe (Super Mario Bros. 3)
HOLY SHIT THE SHOOOOOOOOOOOOE
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
This fucking shoe is the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen, and if you disagree you are a shitwagon. That is a wagon which is both full of shit and principally composed of shit. And you are one if you disagree with me. I can’t even just call it a shoe, or even Kuribo’s Shoe. The only way to express the awesomeness it contains is to put that shit in ALL CAPS.
THE SHOE is, as seen above, something that Mario rides in to be awesome during one level in Super Mario Bros. 3. It gives to Mario several different abilities. Here are a few:
- Makes him invulnerable to any environmental enemy (I.E. Nipper Plants, those little white Piranha Plants that made up floors that killed you)
- Allows him to jump on any enemy and kill it, even Spinies and Piranha Plants
- Makes him look totally awesome
- Gives him a gigantic erection which pokes through the front of the shoe
- Gets him a large Icee for the price of a medium Icee at Weigels
- Causes him to shit silver dollars
- Gets him invited to some kickass parties
- Gives him a luminance that outshines even the sun, making him difficult for mortals to look at
- Has a Fresca tap, so he can have a Fresca any time he wants it
- Gives him an extra month between November and December to do his Christmas shopping
- Allows him to skip airport security
- Pours glasses of Five Alive, a refreshing citrus beverage that contains the juice of five fruits, and, as produced by THE SHOE, also cures AIDS
As you can see, THE SHOE offers many advantages. But perhaps most importantly, it shows how badass Mario is. It doesn’t look like it by how well he handles it, but Mario is possibly the only one other than Goombas to be able to control the shoe. Just look at this picture of Bowser using it:
Bowser’s a pretty powerful motherfucker. But just look at what THE SHOE did to him. It turned him Cheetos orange, gave him a raccoon tail, lit his hand on fire, and apparently caused him to kill Captain Planet and steal his symbol, judging by that thing in his right hand. You can’t fuck with THE SHOE unless you’ve got the right stuff.
My Favorite Thing About It
If I think of anything that is less than perfect about it I’ll let you know.
