3 Weird Sports Games.
One of the advantages video game have over sports is that video games can imitate and build upon sports, but sports can’t do the same for video games. You can have a video game where, instead of just playing football, you’re playing some kind of crazyass murder football featuring the Visigoths vs. the Vikings in 621 A.D.. With sports, however, you can’t have a game where you simulate with a ball sieging a castle on the Moon with a dozen of the rough n’ tumblest anti-hero space marines this side of every shitty 3rd person shooter made in the last 10 years. As awesome as it is that games let us experience what our favorite American pastimes would be like with gratuitous violence (most of them would be like the NBA is currently), sometimes games go a bit over the “(sport) with a twist” category. In fact, these games put such a twist on sports you’d think they were the voodoo zombie of Fats Domino.
Kirby’s Dream Course
Sport: Mini Golf
Ok, granted, mini golf is already a weird take on golf. But Kirby’s Dream Course takes the concept of putting balls in holes to crazier new heights than Tiger Woods, Happy Gilmore, and the entire porn industry put together. And honestly, even though you can see the mini golf elements in the game, it’s really more of a physics game than anything else. Yes, that’s right, a modern-style physics game. 9 years before Half-Life 2. Just look at this video:
These shots are beautiful, and show off the crazy mix of physics and physics-altering special powers that make this game so fun. It’s also kind of depressing to think that in 15 years we still haven’t been able to create a better physics engine for putting than Nintendo came up with for a zany, cartoonish take on mini golf.
Uniracers
Sport: Cycling? Stunt Cycling? Is Unicycling a sport?
First, an interlude:
I remember Uniracers mostly as being a big feature of the Play It Loud! campaign Nintendo ran. It looked crazy, although even at the time I couldn’t figure out how riderless unicycles doing stunts in an existential clown hell fits with the “extreme” image Nintendo was trying to foster. In truth, a big part of the campaign was Nintendo combating Sega’s “grown up” image. In the early 90s, most exchanges between the companies went like this:
Sega: Oh, look, it’s the Super NES. Whatcha playin’? Faggot Brothers 4? That’s a great game, if you’re a dick-humping homo emperor!
Nintendo: No, I’m playing The Legend of Zelda.
Sega: Oh, yeah, that game where you’re a gay blond baby! That game’s pretty good, even though ONLY BABIES LIKE IT! Boy, Nintendo, you’re lucky your own game developers are good! Otherwise you’d be screwed!
Nintendo: Actually, I just finished playing Donkey Kong Country, Super Castlevania IV and Contra III and was thinking of playing Final Fantasy II, Killer Instinct, or Actraiser.
Sega: W.. well… those are all baby games! For BABIES! OUR Mortal Kombat has blood!
Nintendo: Our Mortal Kombat doesn’t have wonky controls. Additionally, our Mortal Kombat 2 beats the holy shit out of yours.
Sega: Um… yeah, but… um… we have arcade-perfect hits like Ghouls n’ Ghosts!
Nintendo: We have games that are superior to their arcade versions, like Super Ghouls n’ Ghosts.
Sega: Well… um… well… ALL YOUR FANS ARE BABIES!
Nintendo: Sigh. *goes back to playing fucking Zelda, for God’s sake*
Going into the mid-90s, however, somebody did a poll of some very, very stupid children, and what they found was that really dumb kids didn’t like to admit they played the SNES because they saw it as being for “little kids.” Nowadays, we know this is retarded, and no one falls for that argument anymore (haha, just kidding), but at the time, Nintendo took it seriously. This, in turn, led to the creation of the Play It Loud! campaign. (Because I grew up the 90s, I am forbidden by law to leave out the exclamation mark in that phrase.) Basically, they showed off how superior the SNES was to the Genesis while trying to associate it with youth culture. From it came the special colored Game Boys, the Virtual Boy, some incredible games, and some ridiculous commercials (be careful with that last one, it’s fucking gross. You’d probably be better off just not clicking it. It still makes my stomach churn). A lot of people point to the Play It Loud! campaign as a low point in Nintendo’s history, and while I’ve covered how untrue that is from a game release standpoint, I guess I kind of see what they’re saying. The ads were pretty hollow, I guess. I dunno. I don’t think Nintendo should have been trying to compete with Sega on that front, but because that hit campaign right at my prime marketing age, I just can’t hate it. I remember everything from this era very fondly, and it still warms my heart. Most of the people who chide Nintendo for their advertising from this time are the same people who still talk about how awesome Transformers and G.I. Joe were, and those were basically 30 minute long toy commercials. And I really don’t have a problem with that! I’m old enough to love those shows too. But no one acknowledges that transparent attempts to advertise to children existed in their generation, because they were in the prime market at that time. You can look down on Play It Loud! with a holier-than-thou attitude if you want, but the fact is, my generation is reaching their 20s, and we’re about to take over the internet. We’re going to be looking back on the commercials we grew up with as fondly as you look upon the ones you grew up with. They made us as cool now as He-Man made you in the 80s. So why don’t we call off the dogs and learn to take things at face value?
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Uniracists? What the fuck is that?
Oh. Right.
Uniracers honestly wasn’t a game I got to play when I was little. I always thought it looked cool, but I was lucky enough to live near a rental shop with a crazy good selection, so I was too busy renting other, better games to get it.
Ok, that’s not really fair. Uniracers is a good game. It’s just, 0there were so many good games at that time, and sorry, but Mega Man X and Earthbound will always beat out any racing game for me. It’s a very, very weird game, though. It tells the story of sentient unicycles who exist in an abstract series of multicolored tracks and loops. They’re thrown into courses by an unknown entity, and catcalled and hollered by invisible, omniscient hillbillies to do tricks and move as quickly as possible. And you move fucking fast. To tell the truth, I actually have a lot of trouble playing the game even now, because it just moves so quickly. I once played the game the last level of the game, and it moved so fast that everything turned into a blur. When I could see again, I found myself forced into a plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler in 1930. This was a big part of why Uniracers was released (to show off the system’s speed, not to assassinate Hitler). Nintendo wanted to prove what bullshit “blast processing” was (and it was) by showing that not only could it move as fast as Sonic, it could move far, far faster, for better or worse.
Plus, you moved faster as you did stunts, which was not only weird, but would pretty much be the wet dream of every person in charge of licensing extreme sports to be made as video games. Too bad they used the idea on unicycle racing, which, as extreme as it is, is too associated with clowns to be marketable.
Bonus trivia: This game was made by DMA Design, which is now Rockstar North, which of course is now famous for the GTA series. This fulfills my legal obligation to relate this piece of trivia, per Federal Statute 611-B, which mandates that, upon reviewing a game by DMA Designs, all journalists and writers much relate, in Paul Harvey fashion, “the rest of the story,” explaining what DMA Design eventually became.
Bonus bonus trivia: I met Billy Thomson, who worked for DMA and Rockstar creating GTA and GTA 2, and was also lead designer on Crackdown and Crackdown 2, at PAX East 2010. This isn’t related to Uniracers. I just like to tell people that.
Super Dodge Ball
Sport: Dodge Ball, specifically the super kind
Seanbaby already pretty well covered this game, so I’ll keep this brief. In fact, to sum it up in a word, Super Dodge Ball is dick-yankingly good. Actually, on second thought, ew. Anyway, the entire Kunio series, which also included such classics as River City Ransom and Nintendo World Cup, was actually pretty amazing (more on those later, on a day where I haven’t been writing for hours). Super Dodge Ball is one of the weirdest entries in the series, though. Apparently, in Kunio’s world, dodgeball is a blood sport, a brutal, murderous game of back and forth played by only the bravest, or most foolhardy, escaped lunatics with psychic dodgeball powers. The USA team starring you travels from country to country killing a veritable rainbow of minorities before finally ending up before the sinister USSR dodgeball team. Since SDD was released in the 80s, you probably already know that this means some serious shit is about to go down. The Russkies take forever to kill, and their brutally trained soldier-players are out for capitalist blood. But the real weirdness is when you beat them: while cheering about your victory, you suddenly enter an odd vortex. When you come out the other end, you are stunned to see standing before you… YOURSELVES. That’s right, part of a dodgeball tournament in the Kunio world is apparently the same thing as the force training Yoda gives Luke in Return of the Jedi. After vanquishing your own dark side, you then are transported to paradise! Haha, just kidding. You actually go back to soviet Russia, where ball dodges you.
Another part of playing dodgeball in this world is greeting people adorably as they enter the terrible world of Super Dodge Ball, where the in-game death rate among players is higher than most of the players can count.
My Mario Paint Problem.
This is going to be a short article, mostly because having to fucking rewrite yesterday’s article took up so much of my time, and I really am busy with finals coming up next week.
However, it will make up for the length with complete lunacy. You see, I have a “problem” with Mario Paint. Actually, not just with Mario Paint, but with any game that allows you even the slightest degree of creativity. Whether it’s a game show that allows you type in your own answers, or a completely freeform creative application game, I go completely fucking bonkers with it. I’m talking really crazy. Like, this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S crazy.
Look at this drawing I did in Mario Paint:
What is that? What is going on there? Why is Mario’s head so big? Why is there a ladder to a terrifying God? Why are that cactus and that elephant playing a prank on that Koopa Troopa? And, for that matter, why did they turn him into a tiger as a prank? That seems a bit overboard. And how did they do it? Cacti and elephi can’t turn things into tigers. Were they granted this ability by Mardok, Lord of Terror over there? And seriously, why is Mario’s head so big? What is he even doing there? He doesn’t belong there.
I do this every time I’m given any degree of freedom in a game; it’s always a terrifying look into my mind. And apparently I’m not the only one who does that:
That’s terrible! And yet I would probably do something worse.
Maybe that’s why we’re given godawful shit games like Dante’s Inferno instead of anything creative. Maybe the game industry is trying to save us from ourselves, before we turn each others’ skin into lampshades.
My Three Favorite Video Game Composers.
</div>
I listen to a LOT of video game music. I have a huge collection of soundtracks, many of which I’ve had to convert to MP3 myself, and probably about 2/3, maybe even 3/4, of my iPod is filled with video game music. There are a lot of different reasons for this. I’ve mentioned before that nostalgia is a huge part of my personality, and as a result, listening to the music from games I always used to play brings me back to a happier time in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty happy right now, it’s just that my childhood fucking ruled. I always paid very close attention to the music in games. As I got older, I translated my love of this music into a fascination with understanding how to convey what I like about music as a whole to others. Despite this, I still can’t quite explain exactly what elements of the types of music I like make me like them. I can point to examples that demonstrate everything I like about game music, and music in general for that matter, but I can’t quite describe them. Partially as an attempt to explain that, and partially as an attempt to fill my article quota for today (I know, I’m cynical), I’m going to try to analyze my three favorite composers (in no particular order), who all happen to be video game composers: Nobuo Uematsu, Koji Kondo, and Yoshihiro Sakaguchi. This probably won’t be particularly funny, because I’m very bad at making jokes about my idols, but I hope at the very least it will be interesting. With that, let’s start with the most logical beginning:
Koji Kondo
Everybody knows Koji Kondo. Everybody. Even if they don’t know him by name. As the composer for the Super Mario Bros. series, Koji Kondo has composed some of the greatest and most memorable music of all time. Nobody who has ever heard the Super Mario Bros. theme forgets it. Hell, Nobuo Uematsu once said that it deserves to be the Japanese national anthem. Composing that one song is basis enough to be called a legendary composer. And yet, the Mario series is only a small part of his legacy. He’s composed many, many other songs for which he would deserve the title of legend.
For example, the main theme from The Legend of Zelda. This is perhaps the most epic song ever made. In just a few notes, you know how big the adventure is. You just know, no matter which version you’re playing, no matter how complex or simple the game. When you hear that music, your imagination takes over, and you’re no longer manipulating a small, blocky set of pixels poking a red bug with a triangle. You’re traversing the Hyrulian landscape, deftly avoiding the projectiles of an Octorok before plunging your sword into its back. I can’t name a single piece of music I’ve ever heard that can create such powerful, imaginative images. When Zelda games started looking better, I loved it, but I never got the feeling that I was seeing something I had never seen before, because that one, short, simple piece of music set the stage for my imagination to see everything Shigeru Miyamoto wanted me to see. The enhanced graphics had nothing new to offer me; I had seen the world they wanted to show me. This is the exact purpose a composer should fill, and in my opinion, very, very few people have filled it as well as Koji Kondo.
Yoshihiro Sakaguchi
This is probably the only name on this list that a lot of my readers won’t immediately recognize. It’s a shame, too, because every gamer knows his music. Yoshihiro Sakaguchi is the composer of the first two and last two Mega Man games, as well as Street Fighter I and II. He also composed the soundtrack for Capcom’s NES game Ducktales, which, while not quite as glamorous as Street Fighter or Mega Man, has one of the greatest soundtracks of all time.
The music for the Moon level of Ducktales absolutely floors me. Any gamer of a certain age, whether they played this game or not, will instantly be transported back to the NES era when they hear this song. That’s because, more than any other video game composer I’ve ever heard, Sakaguchi really knew how program music for the NES. The other two composers on this list did great work in spite of their limitations; he succeeded because of them. The limited sound technology the NES had is usually considered a primitive hindrance, but to Sakaguchi it was a boon. He especially took full advantage of how great the swells and bends the synthesizers could make sounded. This is clearly demonstrated in most of his music from Mega Man, but is at its best in the track from Ducktales. This song also presents an example of the problem I mentioned in the intro. I can explain how much I love this song, but I can’t quite explain what it is about it I love so much. It’s at once heroic, spacey, and nostalgic (and not just because I grew up with it, because I actually only owned the sequel growing up). The main part of the song has the sound of the ending song of an NES game, that kind of triumphant but backward-looking sound. This is tied for my favorite track for the NES with another Sakaguchi composition, the Elec Man theme from the first Mega Man (more on that tomorrow).
Nobuo Uematsu
When I first started playing games in 1990, my favorite games music-wise were the first Mega Man, the Mario and Zelda games (obviously), and Blaster Master (I know that sounds weird, but the music from that game was incredible). Later on, I got into other, more complex stuff, especially Square’s RPG music. Square’s name is virtually synonymous with video game music, and for good reason. This brings us to my first favorite composer: Nobuo Uematsu. Uematsu is, speaking objectively, probably the finest digital composer of all time, and has gotten praise from all over the damn place, including an article in Time Magazine (who, despite obviously respecting his music, still treat him with the “DERP DERP DERP COMPUTAR GAAAAAMES! KIDS LOVE THEM! BOY GAMES HAVE COME A LONG WAY SINCE PAC-MAN SPACE INVADER! ALSO REMEMBER PONG?” novelty attitude they always treat anything related to games with) praising him as one of the top 100 innovators in music. It’s easy to see why. Nobuo is proficient in pretty much every conceivable kind of music, from opera to pop to metal to techno to choral to classical to fucking ragtime. He’s written a song in just about every style I can think of, in many cases several, and I can hum just about anyone of them from memory. He’s one of just a handful of composers who have written pieces that are not only good music but that can stand up to being looped infinitely. His music is incredibly mood-setting and never gets repetitive. Much of his music also exudes a strong element of mono no aware, a sense of awareness to the impermanence of all things and a feeling of bittersweet sadness at their passing, something like the feeling of coming to terms with losing a loved one. While Aeris’s Theme from Final Fantasy VII is the most often cited example, there are several tracks from Final Fantasy VI that capture the same feeling, perhaps even better.
To set the stage: one of the (many) brilliant things about Final Fantasy VI is the way the entire game is presented much in the way of an opera. I’ve never heard anyone else mention this, and I’m not sure why. There are several similarities between the presentation of an operatic story and the presentation of this game. There’s a large of archetypal characters (the brave protector, the tragic hero, the troubled loner, the brave knight) that show up in several operas, and the overall story and arcs are very similar as well. But in particular, the way the music is used is very similar to opera. Important characters and places have their own themes, Wagnerian leitmotifs that make it easy to tell what character is important in a scene or setting. These themes are often spun into different variations. These are the tracks I was speaking of before, which demonstrate such a palpable feeling of bittersweet sadness. Songs like Forever Rachel (a variation on Locke’s theme), Epitaph (Setzer’s theme) and Coin Song (Figaro/Edgar and Sabin’s theme) do a remarkable job of conveying the particular emotions expressed by those characters in the respective scenes they’re used in. That’s what is so striking about his work; it can be at times grandiose, funny, touching, and exciting, but no matter what, it always perfectly captures the mood of the scene.
Many people still consider video game music to be a novelty, and not just the people you would think. I know plenty of people that clearly enjoy the music but don’t listen to it because it’s “not real music,” something to be avoided because it doesn’t sound the same as what they usually listen to. For a while I thought the same thing, but once I really started listening to the music, the differentiation between game music and “real” music disappeared. I could no longer tell the difference. There was just music. Now, I pick my music to listen to by how much I enjoy it, and one only needs to look at my last.fm profile to see what kind of music really speaks to me.
Yesterday – Mi Apologia.
If you’re wondering why an article wasn’t posted yesterday, your guess is as good as mine. An article was written yesterday, and certainly I hit the publish button, but for some reason yesterday there was no new article up. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but there’s an article I wrote yesterday that seems to have just vanished in the haze. But don’t fret! (May god help you if I see you fret.) There will be two articles today. And no, smartass, this will not be one of them.
Letters to the Mayor from Irate Citizens of Simcity.
Mr. Mayor,
I’m writing to you about a problem that I feel is very serious in Simcity. Why are there so many plane crashes? It seems I cannot go a single day without my work commute cut off by the burning wreckage of a 747. I have lived in several towns, including Metro City, Willamette, Silent Hill, and Tampa Bay, and while all these towns had their problems (particularly Tampa Bay), none of them, or any other town I’ve even heard of, has had a problem with frequent plane crashes. Perhaps most disturbing is the fact that these plane crashes began literally the same day you took office, and only seem to stop when you go out of town. I am especially concerned about this issue because Simcity doesn’t even have an airport. I fear to question a man who seems to be able to pull airplanes from the sky, but what connection, if any, do you have to these crashes? Are you Jacob? Am I a candidate?
Sincerely,
42 - Fischer
Mayor,
I would like to address the current state of our transit system. Namely, that the roads in our town cause a 6% increase in the level of pollution. I would like you to completely dismantle the road system in our town and replace it with railroads. As you have complied with my previous requests to build 6 nuclear reactors to fit the energy needs of our 20,000 citizens and to cover every last area of earth in our city’s zoning area with park ground, I feel assured you will respond to this request in kind.
Thank you,
Brian Davis
Dear Mayor… ???,
I didn’t vote for you. In fact, although I like your parks intitative, and therefore would have loved to have voted for you, I didn’t see your name on the ballot. Or on any campaign advertisements. Or even on the city register. I can’t seem to find any proof of exactly who you are, and everyone just seems to call you “mayor.” Why do you not have a name?
Signed,
James Phillips
To: Mayor
From: Advisor
Re: Suggestions
This city needs a massive overhaul of its power industry. Please replace the old coal plants with nuclear reactors.
Crime and fires are too rampant in this city. Please increase police and firefighting budgets by at least 600%.
Simcity could also use a new stadium. The 2 we have are nice, but you know.
We could also use a brand new international airport. Also, a massive new seaport.
The city only has 4 amusement parks. Please build more.
We should build a massive, gleaming, solid gold statue of Mario, from the popular Super Mario Bros. video game.
Also, many citizens are not happy about the level of taxes in this city.
Let me know when these problems are solved.
Thank you,
Dr. Wright
Dear Mayor Dong Wrangler,
This is Mike Haggar, and I’m pretty fucking pissed. I’m the mayor of Metro City. I know you know that, because I saw your note referring to me as “Mayor Faggar.” Do you know who the last person that called me that was? It was state senator Todd Burkett. Oh, you’ve never heard of him? That’s probably because I convinced my friends in the probate court to put out an order changing his name to “Baron Fagcock von SerialRapist.” His wife left him, he lost his re-election campaign, he couldn’t get hired anywhere, and now he sits under the bridge on the interstate drinking varnish. Oh, wait, one of my aides just let me know that he jumped off a building. Serves him right.
So I heard you have problems with giant lizards attacking your town! You better hope one of them takes out your fucking house, because so help me god, if I find out where you live, I’m going to eat you, shit you into every toilet in your house, and then light the septic tank on fire.
Your pal,
Mike Haggar
A Big, Wordy Scholarly Post.
Sorry the post is so late today, by which I mean I should have had an article up like 6 hours ago. Nonetheless, as I consider the time before I go to sleep to still be the previous day, even if it is actually 4 and a half hours into the current day, you can consider this the post for Monday.
This is the reason I actually haven’t posted. I had to write a long-ass research paper for my Sociology class. I thought I’d go ahead and post part of it up here. It’s about the effects of violent media on social groups and individuals, and this section in particular covers why I don’t think that the effects violent media (in particular, video games) have on people are as serious as you may think; specifically, because when a scientist says games cause “aggressive behavior,” he doesn’t mean the subject starts punching him, he means a stronger desire to compete and take action against what the subject sees as an opponent. When Jack Thompson cites that same study, he tries to tell you it means the games compel the subject, perhaps through black magic, to take up the nearest firearm (which people like Jack Thompson have gone out of their way to make as accessible as possible) and just kill everything they see. I’m a little too fucking tired right now to tell if this is good or not, and I may reconsider this in the morning and replace it with dick jokes and Galaga references. Enjoy it while you can.
An interesting component of this debate is the relativity of the way some material is examined compared to other, similar material. Consider two games, both of which involve similar activities. In both, the goal is to defeat your opponent by physically attacking him, attempting to completely disable and prevent them from being able to progress. The only difference is one is real life and the other is make believe. The activities I am describing are football (specifically playing defense) and the video game Mortal Kombat. Both have similar effects on aggressive behavior afterward, but the difference is that Mortal Kombat is considered by many to pose a danger to children, while the other is a routine activity children are encouraged to participate in. Mortal Kombat is sometimes seen as dangerous (in the same way as other games) because it increases aggressive behavior towards others in children. Football, on the other hand, is encouraged for children because it causes increases in competitive behavior in children. These are different words for the same type of behavior. Of course, I am not suggesting that football is “just as dangerous” as video games; in fact, I am saying just the opposite. My point is that, strictly from an observational point of view, the science so often touted to “prove” that video games and other violent media cause violence could be used against many activities that are considered “good” for children. While I was able to find several studies linking the play of video games to violent behavior, and several linking the play of sports to aggressive behavior, I couldn’t find any studies that compared the two. However, it would seem from the data presented that the emotions produced by both activities are similar, and despite the pejorative use of “aggressive” in many news reports about violent media, it seems that, in the actual scientific data, it’s very similar to the “competitive spirit” so valued in American culture. This is often a problem when a scientific study is done with the purpose of evaluating and proving or disproving a specific claim; sometimes the data found is not properly contextualized. While I am of course not encouraging aggression in children, I can say from personal experience that, having grown up an only child in a neighborhood with no children for 10 miles, video games and televised football both helped develop understanding of the proper way to compete with others and how to contextualize aggression developed as a result of competition. I have concluded through my research that the “aggressive behavior” and “more violent reactions” touted by the news media and moral crusaders are really the same things I learned by playing pee wee baseball; a desire to do better than my opponents and be successful.
The 5 Most Relaxing Games Ever, or At Least That I Can Think Of.
I really don’t like college-centric websites. For some reason college-aged people seem to always be the dumbest when it comes to advertising, and they never seem to realize that when a site is like “Hey, here’s a list of some of the baddest-ass movies of the year! It’s targeted to males in your age demographic, 18-24! Additionally, here is more information from our sponsors, Maxim and Budweiser! We’re sure you will find them relevant and have a positive reaction to them, then consume the products advertised!” I don’t like to play into that, and honestly, I don’t find those kinds of sites interesting. I’ve always liked stuff that is, I guess, a “demographic” ahead of mine. When I was a little kid I tended to like stuff targeted to high schoolers, liked college-age stuff in middle school, so on and so forth. If the world targeted ads specifically to me I’d be seeing ads for Werther’s Originals and NCIS by now.
That said, I am actually in college. And right now, I’m entering the last week of school before finals. I know a lot of my readers are too, and they’re probably as stressed as I am. Actually, they’re probably more stressed than I am, because the classes I’m taking this semester are actually exceedingly easy. Still, there are a couple of worries on my mind, and with my busy schedule (I.E. school, work, and Lost), it’s kind of hard to chill out sometimes. That’s why I maintain internal lists of the best ways I’ve found to relax. And, like so many other things in my life, most of those things are video games. So, for my fellow college-aged gamers, check out this list of the best ways to chill out, max, and relax all cool. And, while you’re doing so, enjoy the crisp, refreshing taste of a cold Bud Light Golden Wheat, new from Budweiser.
#5 – Harvest Moon Series (SNES and pretty much every system since)
The Harvest Moon series, in addition to being one of the most underhandedly addictive game series ever made, is also incredibly relaxing. It’s possibly the only game for which being repetitive is a positive attitude. Later games did a lot to curb the repetitive nature of the game, but truth be told, I still prefer the first three games in the series. They kept it simple, nothing but planting crops, feeding chickens, picking mushrooms, and trying to park it in your girl’s nappy dug out. Harvest Moon is also one of the few game for which a challenge that prevents you from accomplishing anything makes you chill out even more: when it rains, there’s really not anything you can do on the farm other than feed your animals. If you try to do too much outside, you’ll get sick. So you can just say hi to your woman, drop some seed for your animals, and go to sleep. Not only is it nice to have a break in which you don’t have to do anything, but the music stops and is replaced with digitized rain. As weird as it is, there is nothing I love more than 16-bit rain sound, maybe not even the sound of real rain. Something about the sturdy rhythm and constant volume. Or maybe I’m just a nerd who prefers his nostalgic fantasy world to reality.
Anyway, even though they’re incredibly repetitive, Harvest Moon games have a ludicrous amount of depth. There’s simply nothing more reassuring than knowing that, even after you finish all the day’s work, you’re going to wake up and have plenty to do the next day. Plus, in some of the games, there’s not even a real end. You can just keep playing forever, literally until it is not possible to have more money. Plus, your dog or cat is adorable. And adorable animals are key to relaxing.
Except for bush babies. You can't relax around them, because, somehow, you just KNOW they're up to something.
#4 – Simcity (Plenty of platforms, but particularly the one for the SNES)
Simcity was the defining casual game of the 90s. Before Bejeweled, Wii Sports, and the Sims, all of your non-gamer relatives played Simcity. It’s easy to see why; it’s extremely accessible, intuitive, and, perhaps most importantly, has a goal that is somehow both clear and vaguely defined. Obviously, you’re supposed to build a city and manage it as well as possible, but how you do it – and your definition of well-managed – are completely up to you. You want to be at the beck-and-call of your people? Fine, try to keep up with their increasingly ridiculous requests. Big fan of pollution? Build 50 coal power plants and watch everyone slowly die of blacklung. Want to watch 200,000 people die at your hand? Use your godlike control over the weather to destroy your entire town. It really doesn’t matter what you do; whatever it is, it’s never the least bit stressful. The SNES version, which I don’t see how anyone could think is anything less than the best version (by far), is even more relaxing. Something about the music and slightly-bland graphics make it the perfect exercise in casual gaming.
Also, the SNES version had Dr. Wright, so fuck every other version.
Little does he know this signifies the beginning of the sinister "phase 2" of your evil plan.
#3 – Mario Paint (SNES)
I can’t believe there hasn’t been anything like Mario Paint, before or since. Mario Paint is the epic story of an Italian plumber with a magic paintbrush, a paintbrush capable of destroying great empires with a single stroke. He uses this paintbrush to enslave the world and destroy anyone who stands in his path.
Seriously, though, Mario Paint is fun as shit. I’ve always felt like it deserved a sequel. I mean, it got one, but it was only released in Japan, and only for the 64DD, the unreleased (in America) disk drive for the N64. And I guess Warioware DIY is kinda like it. But I digress.
There isn’t a whole lot I can really say about it, because it’s just drawing, coloring, writing music (50 Cent said he got his start making songs in Mario Paint!), and swatting flies. So, here’s a series of pictures I made in Mario Paint.
(Sigh. I swear I’ll draw you guys some stuff as soon as I can figure out how to get my fucking SNES emulator for the Mac to accept that, when I tell it to use the mouse, I actually mean to use the mouse, not to just disable the controller. Check back soon; I swear it’ll be hilarious.)
#2 – Wave Race 64 (…)
Wave Race 64 is absolutely gorgeous. Even now, when most games of its era are seen as blocky and hideously oversaturated, it’s still very satisfying to look at. It’s not really technically impressive, I suppose, it’s just that the color schemes that were chosen are so pretty and fun to look at that it literally calms you down. Something about the look of the game just forms a visual opiate. Another big part of the chill factor is the music. Imagine every lame infomercial, every stupid radio ad, every call center hold time you’ve ever experienced. Think of the music from all of those things, then think of what they would sound like if they were good. That is Wave Race 64′s soundtrack. It’s just lo-fi enough to make the lame easy-listening qualities of this kind of music null, and just well-synthesized enough to be relaxing. I really can’t say enough about how much I love this soundtrack. So, as a substitute for my semi-witty commentary, I’m going to OFFER IT FOR DOWNLOAD, in MP3 format. TECHNOLOGY!
In addition to all of this, the game is extremely fun, with a lot of depth. Not only that, but no matter how hard it gets, it is never frustrating. I think that’s a big part of being relaxing; it can’t just be completely non-challenging, but it can’t make you mad either. Games like Super Ghouls n’ Ghosts or Burnout, yeah, those are supposed to piss you off. That’s how they get you to keep coming back: infuriating you to the point of trying to literally kill the game. But if you want to relax, something can’t keep pissing you off. That’s why the only people who play games on Xbox Live to relax are state-certified lunatics.
Just kidding, although if the world worked correctly they would be legally required to put Halo players in asylums.
#1 – Pilotwings 64 (Tiger Game.Com)
Pilotwings 64 is the absolute pinnacle of relaxation. No piece of media, anywhere, ever, has been as relaxing as this game. I can literally sit and play this game and lose, repeatedly, and still completely feel awesome. The original Pilotwings for the SNES was great, and pretty relaxing in its own right, but it doesn’t even come close to this game. Pilotwings 64 has a perfect blend of great music, great gameplay, and great graphics that have the same effect as getting a massage in a sauna while eating your favorite homemade stress remedy (I.E. Prozac pie).
What made Pilotwings so much more relaxing than every other game on this list is that, as far as I can tell, it was actually made to be relaxing. It is, in effect, a sightseeing game, but to keep from having the screensaver-esque qualities that “sightseeing game” usually entails, there are actually several specific goals that keep the game fun.
Actually, Pilotwings 64 is so relaxing, that I think it’s made this article less funny. Ordinarily I try to wedge jokes in sideways where ever they’ll fit, but before writing this I played the game, and before I knew it, I had spent a whole hour on it, and when I was finished, I didn’t feel any pressure to make jokes. If you wanna laugh at stuff, that’s cool, it’s your call man. I’m just gonna chill out over here. So, I guess if the game has one flaw, it’s that it makes you less funny. Kind of like watching a Police Academy movie.
I could go on and on about how soothing this game is, but nothing can sum it up like a video. Make sure to turn your sound on for full effect.
Feeling better now? You should be.
Let’s Raise Some Acts Up In This Bitch!
ACTRAISER!!
For a lot of people, that word makes absolutely no sense at all. But for some people, my generation, specifically, it’s the only word that has ever made any sense. If you are a part of my generation, you saw that word, jumped up in your chair, and screamed “FUCK YEAH!” And for those of you who don’t understand, there is a reason for that.
You see, Actraiser is one of the most unique games ever made. An early example of genre twisting, Actraiser is a combination platformer/sim game. Now, by themselves, these elements are solid, but not incredible. But that combination of the two managed to make a somewhat obscure game extremely memorable. I haven’t met a single person to whom I can mention the game to who has both played the game and cannot remember nearly every detail of the game. Hell, I even knew a guy with brain damage, and all he could remember Actraiser and the plotline of Serial Mom
One of the weirdest parts about Actraiser was that apparently the acts were being raised to God. The main character of the game was our Lord Jesus Christ. He sits in a floating palace high above the Earth, monitoring humanity’s progress and beaming down Star Trek-style to kick whatever ass needed to be kicked. These platforming sections were played as God as he used to be in the good ol’ days. I’m talking about the Old Testament God, the kind of God who comes down, flaming sword in hand, and just straight up slaughters some motherfuckers, including a minotaur, which I don’t remember God killing in the bible (maybe if he did I would read it). After killing everything in a particular area, the game suddenly switched to a sim game. In these segments, you realized how fucking stupid and whiny your people are, so you just chill in your floating palace while some little bitch-ass angel did all your work for you. Sure, you occasionally sent earthquakes and shit to solve their problems, but for the most part it’s just a tiny angel shooting bats down over Mexico while directing construction traffic.
The most annoying thing about the game was probably the fact that your people begged you to save them, asked for your help every five seconds, required you to go and slay gigantic demons, and even told you to go perform fucking errands, like bringing some bread to one of their kids, and you do every single little thing they ask. Considering you’re God, you would think you’d be calling the shots, but no, apparently you’re the god of being a chump. I bet the attractive women come to talk to you about their problems with men, tell you what a great God you are, then go and date some alpha-dog douche. I mean, fuck, she said you were good looking and really caring! You even killed like 20 flying, earthquake causing skulls for that bitch! Anyway, all of that could be ignored, every bit of it, if it wasn’t for the fact that after you fucking change the face of your creation, literally kill off entire races of creatures and slay all the evil demons, they just fucking forget about you. They don’t even thank you. All you get is a kick in the dick and a commemorative temple. And they don’t even attend services at it!
Now let me say this. I understand atheism in the real world. It makes sense. Why would you believe in something you have no proof of? But in Actraiser, it’s different. You fucking personally came down and killed things. They talked to you on a daily basis. I mean, fuck, you have a palace floating 100 feet above their cities! How are they going to explain that with science? Then the game literally tells you that your personal slaying of all the world’s evil led the people to forget about you. Doesn’t that seem backwards? Shouldn’t that make them even more sure I exist? Maybe that’s why you summon evil back in Actraiser 2.
Mr Dracula:
Although we appreciate your business, we think your timeline for the construction of your castle may be difficult to meet. I understand, as you said, that “Belmont will rise against (you) soon” and of course that’s something we want you to be ready for. However, the building you have asked us to build is a 3 mile tall castle with hundreds of rooms. Additionally, you have chosen a difficult site to work at. The tiny peak of a tall hill is a hard place to build such amassive structure. Also, my employees are concerned about the constant thunderstorms and swarms of bats. Thank you for reading this and I hope we can work to reach an understanding.
Thank you,
James Phillips,
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr. Dracula:
Again I feel I need to write you to inform you of some problems. While working on constructing the first floor of your castle, some of my employees were attacked by a flying creature. While bat attacks have become par for the course on this project, the creature that attack my men was something different. Specifically, it appeared to be the floating head of the mythical gorgon, Medusa. This head chased my men, teeth gnashing, until it chased one of them clear off a cliff. As we are a small company, any losses of employees are unacceptable. We would appreciate it if this matter was your highest priority.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr. Dracula:
I would like to thank you for coming to the funeral services of our lost mason, Chris Belmont. His family appreciates your willingness to attend. However, they asked me to pass along a concern they have. Ever since the funeral, their son, Brian Belmont, appears to have gone missing. They’ve requested that I ask you if you knew his whereabouts, as everyone at the funeral agrees you were the last to see him. We understand that you have a long-standing feud with a Belmont family of Transylvania, but I would like to personally assure you that family has nothing to do with my former employee’s family. If you have any information, please pass it along to the Belmonts.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr Dracula,
As I assured you when we initially wrote out our contract, my company is a Christian owned-and-operated company. As such, we take issue with a few of the designs you’ve requested. We feel somewhat personally offended that your have asked us to put upside-down crosses on everything in the castle. Also, we do not feel comfortable building what appears to be the Satanic confessional on the upper level. Your note on the building plans says “Evil confessional – ghost priest will impale victims.” We feel that this is inappropriate for our company to build. As a working professional, I will recommend an alternative company to complete this area for you.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr. Dracula:
I fear I must inform you this will be our last correspondence. The remainder of my employees have been killed. By skeletons. I do not know how skeletons came to populate your mostly-finished castle. However, the presence of said skeletons, as well as the ghosts, zombies, giant, empty, axe-wielding suits of armor, murderous, living furniture, and what appears to be the Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub, hanging from a hook, present an OSHA-classified work hazard, and as such, we will be unable to complete work on the upside-down “inverted” castle you asked us to balance delicately on top of the existing castle. However, most of the work that needs to be done is finished. I hope this will not be too much of an inconvenience. However, as I fear for my life even as I write this due to the possibility of ravenous flea-men, I fear I do not have any other options.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Forem–
(the rest of the letter is smeared with blood and ectoplasm.)
I am genuinely interested in your answers to these questions.
Gamers have certain peculiar behaviors they exhibit when they’re playing games. Many of them, to the uninitiated, seem almost like tics, weird, inexplicable behaviors that make little to no sense out of the context of gaming. However, to us, they make perfect sense, and some of them seem so fundamental to what we’re doing that we’ve never bothered to question them. So, here’s a survey featuring some of these behaviors. Feel free to comment/repost on Facebook/whatever with your check marked answers to these:
1. I hold down the B button the entire time I’m playing Super Mario Bros. [ ]
2. When playing an FPS, I habitually reload anytime I fire a shot [ ]
3. When playing a first-person RPG (Oblivion, etc.), I’ll spend half an hour climbing over mountains to avoid spending 5 minutes walking around them [ ]
4. I never use special weapons that have limited ammo (boss weapons in Mega Man, MP-cost magic in RPGs, etc.) until I fight the boss [ ]
5. I can’t just walk through a level, even if walking is faster (I.E. bunny hop in an FPS or slide/dash in Mega Man) [ ]
6. After eliminating a nation in an FPS I’ll destroy every last trace of their civilization by killing all their remaining units and burning down all their buildings, even though they no longer pose a danger and don’t fight back [ ]
7. I spend most of a Final Fantasy game running away from enemies until I no longer can, then spend days tediously leveling up for the final boss [ ]
8. I sometimes play terrible educational and trivia games just because I find giving terrible answers funny (example) [ ]
9. When I play Super Castlevania IV I always moonwalk up the stairs. [ ]
10. When I get really bored I tried to fire my weapon in time with the music [ ]
11. I absolutely cannot, CANNOT allow windows in an FPS to remain unbroken. [ ]
12. (courtesy Raddevon!) I oftentimes walk in a game even if there is no advantage to doing so to make situations more dramatic. [ ]
I’d love to know if anyone else does any of these things.
