Let’s Raise Some Acts Up In This Bitch!
ACTRAISER!!
For a lot of people, that word makes absolutely no sense at all. But for some people, my generation, specifically, it’s the only word that has ever made any sense. If you are a part of my generation, you saw that word, jumped up in your chair, and screamed “FUCK YEAH!” And for those of you who don’t understand, there is a reason for that.
You see, Actraiser is one of the most unique games ever made. An early example of genre twisting, Actraiser is a combination platformer/sim game. Now, by themselves, these elements are solid, but not incredible. But that combination of the two managed to make a somewhat obscure game extremely memorable. I haven’t met a single person to whom I can mention the game to who has both played the game and cannot remember nearly every detail of the game. Hell, I even knew a guy with brain damage, and all he could remember Actraiser and the plotline of Serial Mom
One of the weirdest parts about Actraiser was that apparently the acts were being raised to God. The main character of the game was our Lord Jesus Christ. He sits in a floating palace high above the Earth, monitoring humanity’s progress and beaming down Star Trek-style to kick whatever ass needed to be kicked. These platforming sections were played as God as he used to be in the good ol’ days. I’m talking about the Old Testament God, the kind of God who comes down, flaming sword in hand, and just straight up slaughters some motherfuckers, including a minotaur, which I don’t remember God killing in the bible (maybe if he did I would read it). After killing everything in a particular area, the game suddenly switched to a sim game. In these segments, you realized how fucking stupid and whiny your people are, so you just chill in your floating palace while some little bitch-ass angel did all your work for you. Sure, you occasionally sent earthquakes and shit to solve their problems, but for the most part it’s just a tiny angel shooting bats down over Mexico while directing construction traffic.
The most annoying thing about the game was probably the fact that your people begged you to save them, asked for your help every five seconds, required you to go and slay gigantic demons, and even told you to go perform fucking errands, like bringing some bread to one of their kids, and you do every single little thing they ask. Considering you’re God, you would think you’d be calling the shots, but no, apparently you’re the god of being a chump. I bet the attractive women come to talk to you about their problems with men, tell you what a great God you are, then go and date some alpha-dog douche. I mean, fuck, she said you were good looking and really caring! You even killed like 20 flying, earthquake causing skulls for that bitch! Anyway, all of that could be ignored, every bit of it, if it wasn’t for the fact that after you fucking change the face of your creation, literally kill off entire races of creatures and slay all the evil demons, they just fucking forget about you. They don’t even thank you. All you get is a kick in the dick and a commemorative temple. And they don’t even attend services at it!
Now let me say this. I understand atheism in the real world. It makes sense. Why would you believe in something you have no proof of? But in Actraiser, it’s different. You fucking personally came down and killed things. They talked to you on a daily basis. I mean, fuck, you have a palace floating 100 feet above their cities! How are they going to explain that with science? Then the game literally tells you that your personal slaying of all the world’s evil led the people to forget about you. Doesn’t that seem backwards? Shouldn’t that make them even more sure I exist? Maybe that’s why you summon evil back in Actraiser 2.
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