My Critiques of My Poorly-Drawn Video Game Characters.
Because I’m hilariously immature, one of my favorite things to do is color with crayons. I do it all the time, way more than I’d like to admit. And you’d think, as much as I do it, that I would be halfway decent at drawing. But you’d be wrong. I’m awful at drawing, and most of the things I come up with are so bad that they’re an embarrassment to everyone involved. So, due to my masochistic love of making myself look stupid for your amusement, I have taken 3 of my recent drawings and viciously torn them apart, like a vindictive art critic, except that, unlike your typical art critic, I understand why art exists. So, we start off with…
Black Mage
One of my biggest problems with my drawings is that no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to draw a person. I’ve never, ever, ever been able to get a regular human being’s dimensions down. So, even when I stick to video game characters, I have to draw things that have the simplest shapes possible. So drawing a Black Mage from Final Fantasy should be easy, right?
Am I ever correct about any hypothetical questions? This looks like a racist depiction of a black guy peeking out of a blue sock. Anybody who is familiar with the series will be able to tell exactly what it is, but they’ll also laugh at me and banish me from any groups they belong to. Also, check out this picture of this drawing before it was finished:
Here he looks like a sock with bodacious, if oddly angled, jugs.
Mallow
I just played through Mario RPG again, for like the 50th time. I think I may have beaten it more than any other game I own. I always feel kind of bad, because immediately upon gaining a 4th party member, I always take Mallow out of the party and he never ends up back in it again for the rest of the game. As part of this guilt, I decided to draw him.
I know he’s a fictional character, and that moreover this is a crayon drawing that I made myself, but I can’t help but feel like he knows how insulting this drawing is. It’s like, he’s smiling, but you know secretly he wishes he didn’t look like a bizarre piece of popcorn with 2 club feet and an arm that was mangled in a factory press.
Magnemite
I looooove Magnemite’s design. I like very simply drawn characters, and especially weird looking ones with one gigantic eye, and Magnemite fits the bill. Actually a lot of the Pokeymans fit that particular bill, but Magnemite probably does the best. But I’ve demonstrated in the past that I can’t seem to draw even the simplest of things. Is this in that category?
Actually, as far as my drawings go, I don’t think this one is too bad. I mean, it has its problems, but it captures the essence of the original Pokemon. Right? Maybe not, those screws on the bottom look awful. But I still like my little electric-type, poorly-drawn screws aside. He is SO going up at my desk at work.
So that’s really the best I can do. Any ideas as to what I should try to draw next?
My Apologies to the Protomen.
This is going to be a quick post, but I just wanted to apologize to the Protomen. Apparently most of my arguments about their bad attitudes may have been wrong. Apparently they had a problem with their singer the night I went to see them, and the show that was put on was not their standard show. Also they apparently stayed around and ate cake with some people after the show. So there’s that too.
That said, I’m not just giving in to please them or any other readers of my site. I still stand by my other fundemental problems with the band; they have nothing to do with Mega Man, and I’m still not a huge fan of their music or production (although the music isn’t really terrible, just not my cup of tea). When I’m writing late at night (which is almost all the time) I have a tendency to be a little overzealous with my own arguments. So, I want to stress that I haven’t changed my opinion of the group just because they posted a comment for me; it’s really more related to the fact that my arguments were a bit unfair and inaccurate. To any new readers of this site, I would like to promise that this isn’t the norm, mostly because my site is usually nothing but dick jokes and old video games. So, if you like dick jokes and old video games, stick around, because this party’s just getting started! By which I mean it has started 2 years ago. And also by “party” I mean largely imageless text.
I seem to be getting a lot of traffic from my last post. A lot of controversy was generated! Will a post on a game about collecting magic cards for Ronald McDonald be as controversial? We shall see.
There are a few truths that are generally accepted. The sky is blue, nachos are awesome, Dark Side of the Moon may be a perfect album, and licensed games suck. And yet, as universal as those truths are, they can be contradicted. The sky turns many different colors throughout the day, On the Run isn’t quite as interesting as the rest of the album outside of a historical context, and nachos can be prepared… ugh… California-style. And licensed games? Well, every once in a while a developer will make one that isn’t completely abysmal. And I’m not just talking about Goldeneye; there are great games that are based on way lamer franchises than that. Case in point:
M.C. Kids (NES, 1992, Virgin Interactive)
“A McDonalds game? They made a game based on McDonalds?”
Actually, they made two. But let’s not talk about the second one.
M.C. Kids is the story of 2 kids, one who is white, and one who is Buckwheat from the Little Rascals, who get sucked into a book they’re reading, which is apparently about McDonalds. I like to think that the kids live in a future dystopian corporatocracy, wherein all forms of entertainment are just advertising for major businesses. I like to think this, because, as depressing as that dark vision of the future is, it’s way less depressing than the idea that kids would just be reading a story about Ronald McDonald in their spare time. The kids find out that the Hamburglar has stolen Ronald McDonald’s magic bag! Fuck! Now it’s up to them to get Ronald’s magic bag back. Ronald would get it himself, but I mean, you know, he has stuff to do.
Furthermore, Ronald asks that you obtain some of his puzzle cards for him, which he has hidden throughout the levels. These are required in order to finish the worlds, but not the individual levels. In other words, Ronald has basically decided to make your quest to get his magic bag back as difficult as possible. In fact, it would probably be easier to just forgo Ronald’s requests and just go after the magic bag yourself. Why do I need to get a bunch of cards for Ronald, just so he can tell me how to get his goddamned magic bag back? If I have to work for his help in doing him a favor he can just go fuck himself. I’ll go hang out with Grimace. We’ll drink juice boxes and play on the special kids’ see-saw all day.
Score: 9/10
Yeah, the setting and story are retarded, but the game is fucking good. It’s easily one of the best and most creative platformers of its time. It contains some puzzle aspects, and even uses a lot of physics-based platforming; for example, sometimes you see little spinners at the end of a platform. If you run over them while going fast enough, you’ll flip upside down, and gravity changes. Instead of falling to the ground, you “fall” up toward the ceiling. Often a level would have an entirely different style while you were flipped. Instead of avoiding enemies, you might be avoiding arrows that launch you all the way back to the beginning of the level, or trying to find a block you can hold on to to launch yourself even further with a trampoline, thus getting you further in the level.
The music is another high point. It’s very obviously designed by Europeans, because all European game composers insist on making the sound fidelity similar to a Commodore 64, even long after the technology could do better. Despite this, the music is extremely memorable, and is just begging to be remixed.
Graphically, the game is fairly pretty, with lots of well-contrasted colors, although the design of the characters is lacking. Your characters smile blankly, with no features other than large, dark, soulless voids for eyes. They seem almost as though they stare past you, beckoning you to come into their own personal hell, where you will be tormented by Fry Guys forever. Don’t believe me?
Look at them. They’re not reading. They’re looking at you. They’re looking past you. They’re looking through you.
They… They…
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Jurassic Park (SNES, 1993, Ocean)
The Jurassic Park games always got a bad rap, but some of them were actually pretty good. The SNES one was the best, although the first-person segments, while genuinely frightening at times, were clunky and slow. The really weird thing about the games, though, is that they usually wouldn’t let you kill dinosaurs, which you think would be a pretty integral part of a game about killing dinosaurs. Instead, you were allowed to “stun” the dinosaurs, which looked a hell of a lot like killing them. Just look at this screenshot:
Those have to be dead. And the best part is that Dr. Grant is standing among their corpses as though to show the remaining dinosaurs who’s gonna be running this Jurassic bullshit from now on. I can’t imagine him not screaming the lyrics to a Dio song and firing his lightning gun up in the air. Dude’s gotta have a dick the size of a water slide.
Score: 7/10
Jurassic Park may not be an award-winning masterpiece, but it’s pretty entertaining for a few hours, if for no other reason than to see how many dinosaurs you can murder with lightning.
DuckTales (NES, 1990, Capcom)
FUCK. YES.
DuckTales was always one of my favorite shows as a kid. This was back in the day when the Disney Afternoon was the single greatest thing you could watch on TV. TaleSpin, Gummi Bears, Rescue Rangers, and DuckTales? Insanity. If I’m not mistaken, in the early 90s it was the longest period of time you could sit without someone trying to teach you something. And the best part is that, with the exception of Gummi Bears, those were all turned into spectacular games.
The DuckTales game, however, was a clear cut above the rest, just like the show. Excluding first-party games, I don’t think there’s an NES game that I would rank higher than it except the Mega Man games, and it’s no wonder: they were produced by the exact same team. DuckTales perfectly captured everything that made the show fun, like the adventure, characters, and landscapes, but also managed to be a creative, involving platformer, the kind that acted as the bridge between games as entertaining diversions and games as storytelling art. It just goes to show that not only are licensed games sometimes “not shitty,” they can even sometimes be better than most non-licensed games.
Score: 10/10
I know, I hand out perfect scores like they’re Skittles and I’m the unpopular kid whose parents give him money every day to buy candy. But DuckTales really deserves it. The game is nothing short of perfect. The level design is inventive and rewards exploration (just like in the show), the gameplay and controls are tight, the graphics are some of the best of the 8-bit era, and the music is nothing short of amazing. It’s by far one of my fondest memories of the NES era.
DuckTales is very visibly designed by Capcom. In addition to their characteristically perfect controls and gameplay, as well as the easily identifiable music of Yoshihiro Sakaguchi (who I spoke about at length a while back), the graphic design looks very similar to Mega Man. Check it out:
Tell me it doesn’t look like some ducks just wandered into Mega Man 2.
Although nearly every element of this game was great, the single thing that probably stands out the most to gamers of a certain age (like myself) is the theme music for the Moon level. While I’ve written about it previously, I just can’t understate what a big deal this song is to gamers who grew up playing games in the early 90s. It encapsulates everything that has ever been great about video game music.
I’m just going to leave you with this:
Ahh, memories.
On Video Game Cover Bands.
The video game cover genre that has erupted in the last few years is a really strange phenomenon. It very quickly changed from a novelty mostly enjoyed by nerds (like myself) and hipster douchebags that just go to yell “YEAHHH! I IRONICALLY REMEMBER SUPER ZELDA BROTHERS!” (hipsters can be killed only by fire and destruction of the head, should you ever want to kill one; believe me, you will) into a legitimate genre of arranged music, performed by incredibly talented musicians and respected even by those outside of the gaming community. There are three things that I think contributed to this: nostalgia, artistry, and musicianship. Nostalgia, of course, is going to be core to attracting new listeners to a band performing songs from the past, just like with, say, an 80s cover band, but it’s really the artistry and musicianship involved that have really pushed the genre over the top. There are so many phenomenally talented musicians, spanning many, many different instruments, and many of them are also very skilled at arrangement. They take the genre far beyond the simple novelty that it could be and bring it into the realm of serious music. Unfortunately, some bands don’t understand this, and because of this, we’re left with some groups that are jokes at best, and pretentious horseshit at worst. Here’s some reviews of some of my best loved – and most hated – groups.
The Black Mages
Although they’re renowned for many reasons, the Black Mages are probably best known for actually having Final Fantasy series composer Nobuo Uematsu in the band. He rocks the hell out of pianos, organs, and keyboards along with Kenichiro Fukui (an awesome composer in his own right, having worked on Sunset Riders, Lethal Enforcers, and the tragically underrated Einhänder, as well as arranging the soundtrack for the DS version of Final Fantasy IV with Junya Nakano), backed by Tsuyoshi Sekito (who did the soundtracks for Brave Fencer Musashi and The Last Remnant) and Michio Okamiya (Square publicity) on guitar, Keiji Kawamori (who arranged Final Fantasy III DS with Tsuyoshi Sekito) on bass, and Arata Hanyuda (also from Square Publicity) on drums. They sound like if Deep Purple and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer had an instrumental love child, which I suppose is appropriate since Uematsu has mentioned both bands as a huge influence. Actually, now that I think about it, pretty much every video game composer has mentioned ELP as an influence at some point. They’re one of those bands like Dream Theater who you can rock out to like crazy but still feel smart because of the classical influences. You can thoughtfully headbang, possibly while wearing a monocle and smoking a pipe.
Choice Tracks
Matoya’s Cave (The Black Mages II: The Skies Above)
I was so happy that someone did a cover of my favorite song from the original Final Fantasy that I wouldn’t have cared what it sounded like, but the fact that it’s arguably the most beautifully arranged track the band has ever done really puts it over the top. I admit I’m a sucker for classical guitar arrangements of video game songs, but this one is probably the best I’ve ever heard. Plus the extended rock out section in the middle is really fun to watch live (on their DVD anyway, I’m not cool enough to have seen them in person).
Opening ~ Bombing Mission (The Black Mages III: Darkness and Starlight)
Ok, this probably should have went to the epic and amazing version of the ENTIRE OPERA (!) from Final Fantasy III/VI, but as good as that track is, I really enjoy listening to this one more. This is probably because of nostalgia, but regardless of the reason, I love this song. It evokes really powerful memories of the Christmas I got FF7, and even though I didn’t have a memory card yet, I sat and played the shit out of it. I remember it’s the first time I ever saw swearing in a game, mostly because my parents saw it. Fortunately, my parents didn’t really mind, because they knew I was mature enough to handle it, and I credit my appreciation for intellectual pursuits (like this dick joke-filled website) to that lax parenting. Hell, my dad took me to see Starship Troopers when I was 9, which I think led to my lifelong appreciation of popcorn sci-fi and also tits. Anyway, yeah, if you’ve heard the original track (which you have if you’ve played the game, since it’s the first track you hear), there’s really not a whole lot to say about this cover, other than that it’s completely awesome. I don’t know what else you could want.
Dancing Mad (The Black Mages)
Dancing Mad, the theme song for the greatest video game villain of all time, is one of the most epic songs I’ve ever heard a band do. Any band, not just a video game band. It’s such a tremendous, powerful song, and it ranges from desperate to furious to soaring in such a way that evokes all the images of that final boss fight better than the original track did. The best part of the song, and the reason the arrangement is so much better than the original, is because the end of the track features the greatest solo of all time. Period. Listen to the whole track, and when get to that solo at the end, just try not to scream “FUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEESSSSSSSS” along with the guitar. I don’t want to have to be the one to say so, but if you don’t, the fact is you are a giraffe rapist.
The OneUps
The OneUps are pretty much the opposite of the Black Mages in every way except talent. They’re a little harder to define, because they don’t really stick to one genre, but are generally a little softer and more laid-back and groovy. A lot of their work hovers around light jazz, but never stays pinned down for too long. It’s really refreshing, since so many bands stay around the “here are some Nintendo songs exactly as they sounded originally, but we play them with really crunchy guitars, and we laugh about it too so you can’t laugh at us” mold that the Minibosses created (and perfected, and became the only band capable of doing without being obnoxious or insulting to gamers). They’re really closer to a collective than anything else (although I hate using that term since every untalented, pretentious-ass indie fuck likes to use that term for their shitty bands just because they occasionally have guest musicians), and their lineup changes pretty often. However, one of the constant members who has been with the band since the beginning is famous OCRemix member Mustin. He’s probably my favorite individual arranger in the video game fan community, and he has a huge catalog of work outside of the OneUps (if you can hunt it out, get The Mustin Collection; it’s fantastic). Another constant member is Dale North, who you may know as the news editor of Destructoid. His work is pretty good as well, especially his version of Pollyanna from Bound Together, the other other best song on the album, after the OneUps track and Ailsean’s version of the drugstore theme (as detailed below).
Choice Tracks
Summers (Bound Together)
Bound Together is probably my favorite video game tribute album of all time. I admit that part of the reason for that is because Earthbound is probably my favorite video game of all time, but there’s a lot more to it than that. Bound Together was the first album that showed me there’s a lot more to the fan-made game music tribute scene than bland, generic techno and abrasive, shitty hardcore (the only kind of hardcore). Bound Together spans all kinds of different genres, from jazz to rock to techno to ambient to new age. It’s a perfect tribute; it’s eclectic, strange, humorous, mindful, and touching, just like the game it was inspired by. The OneUps version of the town theme of Summers is maybe my favorite track (although Ailsean’s excellently jazzy guitar rendition of the drugstore theme, The Drugstore Sells Sparks!, is a strong contender). The instrumentation is great, and it really showcases the excellent sax work that makes so many OneUps tunes so awesome. It sounds exactly like what the original track was supposed to sound like; groovy, laid-back, relaxing-in-the-sun beach music.
Green Hill Zone (The OneUps Volume 2)
This track, the first world theme from Sonic the Hedgehog, is probably my favorite track on any Sega system, and the OneUps tear it up. As I said before, the sax work is a big part of what makes their music so good, and this song really shows it off. The guitar work is particularly great, too. It also features a great little electric piano solo. The electric piano is probably my favorite instrument (except possibly the fretless bass), so this is a big plus for me. It’s almost evocative of the 70s work of Bob James, most famous for Angela, the theme song from Taxi, and that may be why I like it so much.
Aquatic Ambiance (The OneUps Volume 1)
This is pretty much the epitome of what a video game cover should be. It pays tribute to the original track while expanding on it creatively, using magnificent instrumentation and arrangement to not only capture the essence of the original track and the atmosphere of the game but to have an atmosphere all its own, making a track that may be better than the original.
Unfortunately, there are bands that aren’t quite this good. There are also bands that completely fucking suck. Here’s are examples of both:
The Protomen
EDITED: This generated a ton of controversy, partly because of a few factual errors in the original article. I’ve fixed this up, and tried to make my arguments a little clearer. I’m not used to having to be fair, mostly since I’m used to being the only one really reading my articles. And yes, that was a joke.
I don’t think the Protomen are a good band. Despite being educated at one of the best schools in the country for music, their production sounds amateurish at times (and not in a good way), and I don’t really care for their music. but they have their moments of rock. It’s not really so much that the Protomen are a bad band, though, so much as it is that, despite their marketing, they aren’t a video game band in any way, shape, or form. “Now, wait a minute,” you say, “that’s not fair, just because they don’t play songs from video games doesn’t mean they aren’t a video game band! They play music based on video games!” (Jesus you talk a lot. This is my fucking article, and anyway, how is that even possible?) To this I say, in what way? Yeah, they used Dr. Wily, Mega Man, Proto Man, Proto Man’s hat, and the concept of robots. That’s like saying Lost is based on John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government because it has a character named John Locke in it. Most of the acclaim for the Protomen revolves around their narrative, and don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad story. It’s just that it’s not fucking Mega Man’s story, which means they aren’t a fucking Mega Man band. “Well, at least they’re doing something original,” you bray. Well, that’s true, except for the fact that it isn’t. You see, there’s a band called The Megas which has been around since 2004. They’re more talented musicians, and producers, and they play songs that are actually from Mega Man. They are a video game band. Moreover, their lyrics follow a storyline. A storyline about Dr. Wily. A storyline about Dr. Wily using his robots to take over the world. A storyline that is a whole fucking lot like the Protomen’s, only related to Mega Man. Now, I’m not saying that the Protomen ripped them off, obviously they didn’t. I’m just saying that this isn’t something that has never been done. Furthermore, how original is the idea of a robot dystopia? Are you saying you’ve never heard of a story about a robot dystopia? “Ok, maybe it’s not original, but they have a great stage show!” Yeah, maybe when they give a shit, they do. Unfortunately, when I saw them in concert, they really didn’t seem to give a shit. They apparently got to the show late, and then took a fucking hour and a half to set their equipment up. They had a few keyboards, a guitar, a bass, a drum kit, and a couple of amps. Most of the sound was already run, because the venue had a sound system. This should have taken 20 fucking minutes, or even less, to set up, judging by the equipment they used (which, yes, I am familiar with). The worst part is that after all this work, they played one song which didn’t work right. Then, after about 10 more minutes of messing with their equipment, when the supposedly “legendary” stage show started, they hit a piece of metal with a hammer. I didn’t know the in-depth story or anything, but I’m a sucker for theatrics. After that, though, it was about 30 minutes of playing normally, albeit in hats and makeup, at a volume sufficient to make the poorly mixed sound irrelevant. Then, they played an admittedly awesome version of Total Eclipse of the Heart, and packed up and left town. That was it. Honestly, at first I only went to see them because my friend’s band Midnight Radio was there (they rocked the house), but by the day of the show, I had started to get excited about seeing the Protomen. But they really came off like a bunch of cocky assholes that think they’re bigger than they are, and like they could really give a shit less about people who are willing to support them unless they can personally benefit from them. I felt really let down. This is really my biggest problem with the band: their attitude. I’ll admit that from a songwriting standpoint, yeah, they generally know what they’re doing, better than some bands, anyway. They have a couple of tightly written songs. I’ve listened to both their albums about 10 times through, if only because I was trying to figure out what all the fuss is about. But I don’t care how talented a group is if they treat a show like it doesn’t matter just because there aren’t enough people there, and I become actively pissed when they try to act like “video game band” is a pejorative. Most of their fanbase is made of video game fans, they play a lot of video game conventions, and they’re supposedly “inspired” by video games. So why would they be embarrassed of being called a video game band? Like I’ve said before, there’s nothing wrong with playing video game music or being associated with the culture, and it’s insulting to act like you’re better than your fans. So, to reiterate, they’ve made some decent albums. I just can’t say anything positive about them outside of that, except that maybe that the research for this article led me to discover and fall in love with The Megas. <3 you guys.
HORSE the Band
HORSE the Band is possibly the worst band, of any kind, that I’ve ever heard. They are a fucking joke. That’s all I can say about them.
My wife, though, has this to say: “More like HORSESHIT!”
Well, ok, any of you who know me know I can’t shut up about things I hate until I’ve exhausted every possible negative point. Listen to this musical abortion. Like most hardcore, it’s the musical equivalent of a Michael Bay movie, a lot of distracting musical explosions with no real talent or direction behind it. Playing it in the midst of a battle would constitute a war crime. Furthermore, they refer to their sound as “Nintendo-core,” a name as obnoxious as it is laughably inaccurate. Owning a synthesizer does not make you a fucking video game band. I guess if that’s the only way you can promote your band, though, more power to you! Unless your band causes Ear AIDS, like HORSE the Band. REAL TALK.
