A Letter to Dr. Wily from His Outsourced Robot Manufacturing Plant
Dear Dr. Wily,
We regret to inform you that we have been unable to complete your last order. We have had to cease production of your robots, and we have several questions which need to be addressed before we can resume production.
Our first question: why must all of your robots be sentient? Because of the order of construction followed as per your directions in our manufacturing process, your robots are built beginning with what we will call, for lack of a better word, the “brain”, which is then placed inside a rudimentary “skull”. This creates a terrifying entrapment in which the robot is cognizant of its own existence, as well as all the information, memories, and feelings you have implanted them with, but unable to communicate or even move. This horrible living hell they become trapped in only gets worse after the robot receives its internal “skeleton” body. The robot has to feel the sensation of being bolted to a sheet of metal, repeatedly electrified, and having 5000 degree molten steel poured over their bodies. This industrialized torture process creates robots that are mentally unstable and ready to kill everything they see (as soon as their vision sensors are cruelly and slowly screwed into their skulls).
This brings us to our next concern: your robots, which you say are for various industrial purposes, are, in effect, dangerous lunatics which likely would be mentally incapable of focusing enough to cut lumber or power electric generators without finding a way to kill hundreds, if not thousands of people in the process. Upon the completion of one of your prototypes, code named “BRIGHT MAN”, our manufacturing professionals found themselves running to shield their eyes from the flashes of incredibly intense light the robot generated. Several of our employees were completely and permanently blinded, and in their confused, blind stupor, many of them wandered into machinery and were brutally killed. One fell into a vat of molten steel, another was bolted into a sheet of metal, and one, who was actually driving a forklift and the time, went on an accidental killing rampage, hydraulically crushing and impaling many people. As plant manager, the screams of my employees, many of whom were my friends, will haunt me every night for the rest of my life.
Another issue which we have run into is the procurement of supplies needed to construct your robots. As I stated before, you have told us that your robots are used for industrial purposes. However, I can’t think of what constructive purpose a robot like “KNIGHT MAN” or “GRENADE MAN” could have. As you may be aware, military munitions are difficult for us to obtain as a civilian factory, to say nothing of the difficulty in finding thousands of medieval flails. Especially when one considers that you demanded a low price for the contract (which you promised was a test agreement for a series of lucrative government contracts), this agreement does not seem particularly cost effective for us after the semi-legal procurement of these various components.
This brings us to our last concern. After the construction of these robots, you have asked that we ship them to a variety of locations (and, curiously, place them in empty garages to “await Mega Man”, a mysterious instruction we don’t fully understand). We have several international clients, and ordinarily this isn’t a problem. However, the variety of shipment locations you have requested are remarkably difficult to ship to. I’m not sure if you are aware of the costs involved with shipping hundreds of thousands of tons of sentient robot killers armed with nuclear reactors and explosive munitions to incredibly remote locations, but suffice to say that they are prohibitive, to say the least. FedEx and UPS have also both filed several Patriot Act investigation requests against our company, which has been both a PR disaster and a legal entanglement which our employees and management, to say nothing of the company itself, may be unable survive. At least 7 of our employees have been relocated to internment camps, never to be seen again. What was left of our plant’s senior foreman was returned to our main office in a manila envelope.
Again, Dr. Wily, while we value your business, we feel that these difficulties must be overcome to ensure our working relationship can continue. We hope you feel the same way.
Signed,
Eric Fischer
Plant Manager, Prototech Industries
P.S. We appreciate your attendance at our last stockholder meeting! However, we were a bit concerned at your constant hand-rubbing and cackling. Many attendees felt your behavior was “curious” at best and “scheming and evil” at worst. Please refrain from such behavior at future events.
Capcom is soliciting ideas for a new VS. series game on the almost supernaturally great Capcom Unity blog (the best official blog there is, period). Here are my personal suggestions, along with why they could be great:
The Bible vs. Capcom:
- Extensive roster of characters
- Huge potential for good surprise secret characters, especially “begatted” characters that have no purpose in the Bible, such as Mahalalel and Enosh
- Characters have great superpowers; Ezekiel’s burning wheel would make great Super Combo
Jordan vs. Bird vs. Capcom
- First 3-way matchup in Capcom history
- May draw in new audience of 40-year old sports fans, often neglected by fighting games
- Minigames could include slam dunk contest, 3-point competition, deathmatch
Kramer vs. Capcom
- Could add new dimension of family drama to series
- Opportunity for guest voice by Dustin Hoffman
- Final boss could be screen-filling Meryl Streep with 3 different forms
Charles Dickins vs. Capcom
- Great opportunity for crossover with Jon Talbain of Darkstalkers
- Lots of room to experiment with characters; Artful Dodger could be given super speed, or Pip could use inheritance to build massive robot walker suit
- Plenty of environments, including filthy, freezing streets of Victorian London and… well, that’s about it
Capcom vs. Capcom
- Several established characters from fighting game world and beyond
- Already has great credibility with gamers
- Characters would not need to be redesigned or adapted very much
Earth vs. Capcom
- 195 countries offer huge roster
- Secret characters could include non-sovereign states such as South Ossetia and Transnistria, and former states such as the Ottoman Empire or the Kingdom of Chimor
- Let’s face it, Capcom conquering Earth is inevitable
Of course, the best possible option would probably be Squaresoft vs. Capcom. But that’s probably never going to happen. All of these options seem much more likely. Any other ideas?
