Why The Hell Not, More Mario Merchandise
I really enjoyed writing that article about the crazy Mario items. As a result, I’m going to write about more of them. Hope you guys enjoyed it too, because this is going to take a while. A lot of these are from Brett “Nightram” Martin’s Video Game Memorabilia Museum, so curts to him. You should check the site out, it’s pretty ridiculously awesome. On to the first… thing:
Unpainted Toad Chancellor (from Super Mario RPG) Figure
This really isn’t that great of a figure, but what is notable about it is that this may be the most obscure Mario character ever made into a figure. And that’s saying something, considering everybody from Rocky Wrench to Ninji have been made into figures. The Toad Chancellor is the head of government of the Mushroom Kingdom, answering only to Princess Toadstool. What makes him obscure is that not only is he a background leader who only rules while Princess Toadstool is away, but also he’s only in one game: Super Mario RPG, one of the most obscure (and best) games in the Mario series. Now, obviously, “obscure” isn’t a term that means too much in a series as popular as Mario, but the game is still a strange option for any merchandise, especially for merchandise based on extremely obscure characters. A bit of looking around also returns these:
Jester
Most of the main characters, and, oddly, another Toad Chancellor
Belome
Jonathan Jones
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
These are so awesome. Just seeing them, even unpainted, sent me into capitalism overdrive. I was screaming at the monitor, begging it to please, please give me the figures, stuffing all my cash and credit cards into the CD drive. Now the computer doesn’t seem to work right. Oh well, not my problem, the school owns this computer.
The last two are especially awesome to me, as Belome and Jonathan Jones may very well be my two favorite obscure characters of all time. Just the very idea of being able to own merchandise featuring them sends a rush of endorphins to my head that I can’t quite handle. The things I endure to write for you people.
Boshi Stuffed Figure
In a similar vein, here’s a stuffed Boshi figure. Although he looks like Yoshi redefined as an “extreme” mascot who may partake of Mountain Dew or perhaps wakeboarding, he’s actually just Yoshi’s asshole friend who likes to steal cookies from everybody. He’s pretty obscure as well, seeing as how he is only featured in an optional side quest (in which you race him while riding Yoshi to make him stop being a dick about the cookie thing). Anyway, this is a pretty awesome plush, really detailed and accurate to the game. Interesting side story: as a result of Boshi (and another version of Yoshi in a Chinese Mario Kart knock-off named Yossi), I’ve gotten to where I can’t just say “yoshi” flat-out with out calling him Boshi, Bosher, Yossee, or something like that. Well, I guess that side story wasn’t as “interesting” as it was “time-consuming”. Sorry.
Counterfeit New Super Mario Bros. Wallet
In addition to the already gigantic amount of official Mario merchandise available on the market even now, there’s also, as there is with any popular character, a giant market of counterfeited items. There are plenty of examples of shitty fake merchandise from the Mario series, but this is the most interesting. The art on the front appears to be an oddly colored depiction of Yoshi hatching in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, which doesn’t make any sense, considering the logo at the top says “New Super Mario Bros.” Speaking of the logo, that isn’t the regular logo for New Super Mario Bros.. Not only is it not the one used on the game’s box or most of the official merchandise (although it has been used in a few places), it’s also really oddly colored. Most notably, Mario’s eyes appear to be soulless blue portals, not unlike Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen. As you can see, the Chinese (I assume it’s Chinese, since that’s where every shitty counterfeit toy comes from) have no respect for or skill at making counterfeit merchandise, although it’s better the massive wave of counterfeit Pikachus that invaded flea markets, county fairs, and other places where white trash pop up to make a buck.
BONUS ITEM! This Weird Mario Picture I Found
While searching for verification on the New Super Mario Bros. logo, I found this weird/awesome picture.
It’s apparently by some guy from DeviantArt named MicToon. All of his pictures pretty much look like this, but this is the best one. I’ve found just about any caption makes it funny. Examples:
I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH THE TIME OF CLEANSING IS AT HAND
WHEN YOU GO TO THE STORE WILL YOU PICK ME UP A CARTON OF MARLBOROS
I JUST ATE A BEEHIVE
DOES ARBYS HAVE SOME KIND OF FISH SANDWICH, I'M CRAVING A FISH SANDWICH
I'M GONNA EAT YOUR DOG
As soon as I get the time I’m seriously gonna make a comic with this picture.
5 Oddly Sexual Pieces of Mario Merchandise.
I feel like I owe you guys something feature length. All my posts recently have been 150-word little cop-outs. I also don’t think they’ve been as “funny” as they have “vitriolic”, so hopefully this will make up for all that. Here goes.
As we all know, Mario is now more recognizable to children worldwide than Mickey Mouse is. The most likely cause for this is that Mario is far superior in every way to Mickey Mouse. Regardless, with great popularity comes a shitstorm of merchandise, and Mario is no exception. The one strange thing about Mario, however, is how much of his merchandise seems to be oddly sexualized. Check out these kinky items:
Mario Party 7 Tissue Box
I’m really not comfortable with the idea of Mario masturbating, and if it wasn’t for this tissue box, I’d never have thought about it. Now, the idea of a Mario tissue box is fine; there’s nothing wrong with dispensing tissues, and it doesn’t make my mind immediately jump to jerking off. But look at that pose Mario is in. It just screams “Ahhhh, yeah. I got an hour to myself, I got my mushrooms, I got my tissues… time for Mario to… grow.” *Shudder*
Super Mario Bros. 2 “Bow-Biters”
I will admit that there’s really nothing particularly sexual about these unless you’re in a certain mindset; namely, that of a 13-year-old boy. However, if you’re in that mindset, there are at least 100 different disgusting things you can think of relating to the position Messrs. Mario and Luigi are in there. I have too much class to bring myself down to that level (which is why my site has a tag called “undulating titties”), but I’m sure your imaginations can fill in the rest.
The Mario “Keep Jumpin’” Pen
Ok, this goes beyond misinterpreting something with an oversexualized mind. This isn’t something that is up to your imagination or anything. This is Mario with a pen shoved straight up his ass. To get the pen nib to come out, you shove the end farther up his ass, and to make it go back in you release it a bit. There’s no way around it; this is thing is perverse.
Mario DS Holder
This is poseable, so it may not always look this gross, but so help me god, this promo picture makes it look like Mario is totally ready to give a handjob to whoever wants it. I don’t know exactly what a Nintendo DS holder is for, or why you would need a big action figure to hold it, so I guess I’m trying to invent a use for it, but jesus.
Fuuuuuuck that’s creepy. Mario is waaaaay too excited in that 3rd panel. He looks like he’s about to go to town on that poor little boy. Now, the princess’s panels, on the other hand… that’s the first thing in this article that I can totally get behind. Still, you have to wonder if she’s not inadvertently moving that kid’s biological clock up to puberty a little too fast. He looks like he’s about 6 or 7. On the track he’s getting put on here, he’s gonna end up dropping out of school at 15 to take care of his 10 kids and screeching white trash wife. He’s going to work at a McDonalds until he dies in a 4-wheeler accident at 34. Thanks a lot Princess. You just ruined that kid’s life, you slut.
The biggest question I have about this ad, though, is where in the hell did it originate? It’s a Revlon product, and it’s in English, but the English is really, really bad. “Beautiful bubble DOS”? The operating system? What the hell is that supposed to mean? “Good clean bubbles”? Well, that’s good to know it’s not full of filthy tar bubbles like that fucking Sonic the Hedgehog shampoo I was considering. However, I give them credit for “We smell so fruity fresh!”. That’s a great quote. I want a t-shirt that says that. Hell, I may make it this site’s new slogan. “Catchy Name News: We Smell So Fruity Fresh!” Hell yeah. That’s a gooooood slogan.
Steve Purcell + Monkey Island + Poster = Hell Yes
One can obtain a poster, drawn by Steve Purcell (legendary Lucasarts artist and creator of Sam & Max), featuring characters and settings from Monkey Island, if indeed that is what one is into. I can assure you, one is definitely into that. For an extra $5 you can even get it signed by the artist!
(Telltale Games, via Kotaku, as usual)
Before I even had a chance to contemplate selling blood in order to afford it, Chronicle Books has cancelled plans to release a Mega Man history book. I don’t know what this book would have consisted of, I just know I would have bought 100 copies of it. Even though I already know most of the history of Mega Man, this no doubt would have included plenty of pretty pictures, and I will never, ever get tired of staring at sprites from this series.
(GoNintendo, via Kotaku)
Capcom Babies. For the first time, I am jealous of infants.
Oh my Jesus.
Look at these.
I am going to go produce 1 baby and dress it in nothing but these onesies until they will no longer fit.
Unfortunately these don’t seem to be for sale. Tragic. I had almost talked the wife into the whole pregnancy thing.
