The Hotly Anticipated Return!
Contrary to popular belief, I’m alive, and there’s a reason I e been gone so long.
Well, there are several reasons, but among the most important ones is that I’ve been doing so many different things creatively. In the past year, I’ve written a script, part of a book, a bunch of skits, and an absolutely ungodly number of raw ideas, as well as two exhaustive studies of games I love (Chrono Trigger and Yume Nikki)… and that’s to say nothing of the game I’m working on. I’ve had an enormously creative year, and I’ve enjoyed it.
Unfortunately, I just happened to lose my voice for this site in the meantime. I hated it, and it made me feel bad, but I couldn’t force something that wasn’t there.
That said, it’s been coming back to me… and I think I’m gonna be a lot better at it now. I’ve learned a lot in doing all this writing, and one of the big things is how to be a bit more…. diplomatic, shall we say. I’m proud of the writing in this site’s past, but I’m the first to admit it’s been overly negative, and in fact, downright codgery. I’ve never been a very negative person, but I HAVE been a very negative writer, and I think a lot of that comes from having developed my sense of humor as a sort of defense mechanism; I learned that I could use wit like a blade to cut someone down, and as such, I wanted to use it to attack things I didn’t like, in this site’s case, trends in video games I didn’t like. I still stand by most of the things I said I didn’t like (pretentious arthouse games, MMOs, both Gears AND God of War, the Protomen), and I still feel as though I have rational, reasoned arguments against them. But the thing about negative articles is that, unless you agree with the opinion expressed (and sometimes even if you DO agree with it), you’re not going to enjoy them.
Now, none of this means I’m not still gonna be kinda snarky and sarcastic; that’s just core to my being. I’m just not going to dwell so much on things I hate. I mean, you have to admit, that’s a pretty weird thing to do anyway.
Anyway, I’m gonna get started on my first article in almost a year. Hopefully it won’t be awful.
Holy shit, are you people still here?
I have been gone for sooooooo long. I won’t bore you with details (personal life, and jetpacking over Europe), but I promise I’m going to come back and write more. Which I’ve done in the past and never followed up on, but still.
So what have I been doing in all this time?
- I’ve put in a metric shit-ton of work on my game. I’ve been writing an update on it off and on, but I haven’t finished it yet. This has been the most progress I’ve made on it since I’ve started, and I’m getting really excited about it. I also found an artist who is ridiculously talented, and that’s helped a lot. You’ll see some of her work in the next update (hopefully).
- I’ve also been writing a ton of comedy sketches, which may or may not get used with something for this site. Sneak preview: one involves a man who finds out his girlfriend was just a bunch of dogs in a people-shaped suit, and yes, they’re ALL that good.
- Supposedly a podcast is coming soon. I know I’ve been promising that for like 2 years, but seriously this time (assuming I can get the people involved to, you know, be involved like they promised).
- And, naturally, I’ve been playing a lot of games in what little spare time I have, primarily Prinny: Can I Really Be the Hero?, Sonic 4, Goldeneye: Source, and Twilight Princess, and yes, you read right, some of those games are recent.
So that’s why this hasn’t been updated in so long. I promise I haven’t forgotten about it though; CNN fans (if any) can look forward to updates and probably some reviews coming up. I’ve been working on something for Goldeneye: Source and Sonic 4, so if that interests you, make sure to stick around.
Peace out.
Jesus Christ, 2 Months.
I fully realize it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I’ve updated. The last 2 months have been completely absurd. I’ve lost a long span of time.
But, I swear I’ve been working! Just not on here. Most of what I’ve been writing is for another project that has been brewing in my head for a while. God only knows if I’ll be able to actually follow through with it, but if so, I think you guys will really enjoy it.
Anyway, I’m gonna start writing an article for here soon. As in, after I finish this. With any luck it will be up in the next 24 hours.
WTFOUSBBQ
I’ve had some really, really serious writer’s block lately. Crippling. You think my writing is bad ordinarily? You should see how bad some of the stuff I’ve cranked out in the last couple of weeks is. And hell, even now I’m ending sentences with “is”. What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m feeling better after this weekend, though. After the music article I wrote, I got invited to the OneUps Studios BBQ, and got to take a weekend off to relax, see an amazing concert, and talk to some awesome people. It was a little awkward, because I was a complete stranger to pretty much everybody there except for Mustin (who initially contacted me to invite me, and to whom I talked quite a bit before leaving) and Dale North (who I knew through an incredibly awkward apology I wrote him for something stupid I said in that same article). Still, even coming in as a complete stranger, I met some really great people, and had a lot of fun, even if I was a bit shy. Most of what happened probably wouldn’t be that interesting to anyone but myself, but I did get some (poorly shot) videos of an amazing performance by the OneUps. Keep an eye out for those, they should be up soon.
I’ll be back to writing soon, I promise. And it’ll be something good.
Come On, You Saw It Coming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve missed putting up an article here recently. I promise I’m working on a long one. But this week has been particularly stressful, what with finals and work and all. I deserve a couple of days of playing Wave Race 64 and sleeping until noon. But I promise I’ll be back with a vengeance soon. And I’ll bring some special surprises. Just stay in tune. Key of C and whatnot.
Yesterday – Mi Apologia.
If you’re wondering why an article wasn’t posted yesterday, your guess is as good as mine. An article was written yesterday, and certainly I hit the publish button, but for some reason yesterday there was no new article up. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but there’s an article I wrote yesterday that seems to have just vanished in the haze. But don’t fret! (May god help you if I see you fret.) There will be two articles today. And no, smartass, this will not be one of them.
I Promise I Have Yet To Break My Promise.
Hey guys, technical difficulties have left me unable to post the article I wrote yesterday. For the record I was UNAWARE that the post didn’t actually post until today. So, later on today I will see to it that that post gets put up as well as today’s. I promise. On top of my other promise. This forms a terrifying amalgam promise, a mutant which has crawled from industrial waste to infect you with its terrible diseased claws. You’re welcome.
On Ogre Battle, and By Way of That, Funny Game Titles
I’m still working on an article that has turned out to be really, really long. As a result I wanted to write something small in the meantime to hold you guys over until I finish this other post. And yes, that is a conveniently-worded way of saying I’m lazy.
The Ogre Battle series is one of the less famous strategy RPGs, or at least it has become less famous recently, but it is storied among people of my generation as one of the best ever. It was a little different than the grid-based strategy RPGs today, in that you manage your empire kind of indirectly. Instead of sending out 3 or 4 units to attack, you send out several armies to meet other armies that are coming to attack your cities. When these units meet, you just watch them fight, and pray that the combination of units you chose will be good enough to win. As such, it was much more purely strategy than today’s strategy RPGs.
As a lifelong Queen fan, however, Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen and its sequel, Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together, hold a bigger significance. Namely, the developer, Yasumi Matsuno, is obsessed with them. If you aren’t a Queen fan (and seriously, please get hit by a bus and die if you aren’t), Ogre Battle, March of the Black Queen, and Let Us Cling Together are all the titles of Queen songs. Matsuno, who is more famous than you think, having been the designer of, among other things, Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Vagrant Story, absolutely loves Queen, and sneaks references to them in a lot of his games. For example, there’s a chapter in FF Tactics called Somebody to Love, and the sword you start with in Vagrant Story is called Fandango (a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody’s operatic section). Even in FFXII the summon Hashmal (no, I will NOT fucking call summons Eidolons) uses an attack called Rock You, a reference to We Will Rock You (obviously). Unfortunately, in the translated version of the game, the attack is called Roxxor, because WE ARE UP ON INTERNETES SLANG! FOR THE EPIC WINNER! LOLCATS FAILBAN!
There isn’t really much of a point to this post. I just mostly wanted to demonstrate how lucky we are the Matsuno was obsessed with a band that lent itself to cool titles, because Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen is just two Queen songs with a colon in between. It could have been much worse, as these examples demonstrate:
- Steely Dan: Kid Charlemagne: Do It Again - The story of a young Charlemagne as he attempts to expand the Frankish empire across Europe. A platformer, obviously.
- Styx: Mr Roboto: The Grand Illusion - A psychological survival horror game about an imaginary robot that follows the main character around trying to kill him. Also the main character is Dennis DeYoung.
- Journey: Don’t Stop Believin’: Faithfully A Christian game by the makers of Left Behind. Try to keep your faith alive while faced with such Biblical evils as homosexuality, pornography, and environmentalism. First-Person Shooter.
- The Eagles: Take It Easy: Life in the Fast Lane - This one borderlines on nonsensical. Am I taking it easy, or living life in the fast lane? Make up your goddammed mind, Don Henley. Either a relaxing sim game or an intense racer.
- Kiss: Love Gun: Lick It Up - This one is just vile. No comment.
…
Wii game.
Well, school is back in session for me, and, unlike every other writer, that actually indicates that there will be more content on here rather than less. That’s still not saying much. But with 2 hours between my classes I should have plenty of time to come in and write shit for you guys. But that said, don’t expect anything, because if you are a frequent reader (which I suppose means if you’re a Russian spammer), you should know I never write anything when I promise I’m going to. Anyway. I’m gonna write something now. Confusing? Why yes.
What follows is a transcript of the remarks and thoughts of the first Americans to play Super Mario Bros., George Brenner and Joseph Redding, in late 1985. Their comments helped justify Nintendo’s decision to bring the NES to America the next year.
Takashi Nozawa, Nintendo VP of Marketing: We are pleased that you have decided to test our product to see if it is correct for the American market. We understand that the market for video game products has crashed in the United States, but we would like to assure you that our Family Computer is perfect for the American consumer.
George Brenner, Investment Manager, Sears: Well, keep in mind we were the ones who chose to sell the Atari 2600 through our department stores. I don’t think anything could top the demonstration they gave us. Between Star Ship and Race, I felt like I was living in a futuristic wonderworld. I couldn’t sleep for 15 whole days after I played it.
Joseph Redding, Investment Manager, Sears: I literally shit my pants when I saw Math. Literally. I was both amazed at the incredible technology in front of me and terrified to think that it could lead to me spending my golden years being hunted down in old age by a squad of impossibly intelligent SuperBabies raised by their Atari 2600 overlords to enslave mankind.
Takashi: Haha, yes, well, hopefully you will not have the same concerns with our products. *puts copy of Donkey Kong Jr. Math in garbage can* Perhaps you would like to try our flagship game, Super Mario Brothers?
George: Sure. What do you play as? Tanks, spaceships, or dots?
Takashi: Actually you play as a little man named Mario.
Joseph: That would be dots, then.
Takashi: Actually, no. He is a plumber with a mustache from Brooklyn.
George: Oh, I know. I saw the instruction manual. I meant what do you play as in the game.
Takashi: As did I.
George: HA! You’re good people, mister. But you and I know I’m not gonna be able to tell a person AND a mustache AND a hat apart on a character in a home video game.
George: Sweet fucking Jesus.
Joseph: Oh my god.
George: Look at all of those colors. There are… there are like 10 colors on the screen right now.
Joseph: That’s… that’s not possible. THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
George: Joseph, CALM THE FUCK DOWN. There’s no way everything can be this impressive. Holy… look at how fluid that movement is. I can’t… how are you doing this?
Takashi: I take it that you are impressed.
Joseph: Takashi, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest. Are you a witch?
Takashi: Hahaha, of course I am not. The solution is more simple that that. We at Nintendo have worked very hard on the hardware architecture of our Family Computer, or Famicom, as we call it. The efficient design allows the system to have a considerable amount of power while still being easy to program for, which allows us to create a large library of games both through our own research and development teams and through our third party designers.
George: Third party desig- WHOA JUMPING INTO THAT FUCKING BOX JUST MADE IT POP OUT A COIN OR SOMETHING. Third party designers? Atari had problems with them. It’s not fair that someone can just come along and make a piece of software for your hardware. They should make their own hardware if they want to release software.
Takashi: Well, that is where we hope to succeed where Atari failed. We have licensed out the rights to our hardware technology in order to be able to profit from third party software while still enjoying the expanded software library that results from having several developers.
Joseph: That’s retarded. It only takes a week, or two at the most, for a guy to design a game, you should just hire their developers and have them crank a few out every month. Then you get 100% profits.
George: What are these green things?
Takashi: Ah, those are pipes. Mario can travel down them. Try jumping on top of that one, then press down.
George: Ok… I guess I can…
George: SHITTING FUCKS.
Joseph: NGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *jumps out window*
George: JESUS CHRIST JOSEPH! OH GOD WE’RE ON THE 85TH FLOOR!
Takashi: I’ll call the emergency services! We’ve got to get down there to help him!
George: Ok, sure, but right now my first priority is making sure we finish this deal.
Takashi: But.. your friend! If we hurry we might be able to help him!
George: If I leave this room for even a second someone else could just waltz right the fuck in here and buy this. No way am I going to take that chance.
Takashi: Fine, fine, what can you offer us?
George: If you allow us to sell this game in our stores I will give you the information for the company bank account. You can take out whatever money you want whenever you want.
Takashi: Are.. are you sure? It seems like you would at least need to contact your home office to authorize a deal of that magnitude.
George: To hell with the home office. I WILL NOT MISS OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY.
Takashi: Fine, fine, we accept, now we have to go help your friend!
George: You have to promise me, PROMISE ME, that NO ONE ELSE will sell this product.
Takashi: Mr. Brenner, I must insist we help your friend!
George: PROMISE ME!
Takashi: We will attend to it when we get back! We must go now! *runs out door*
The tape ends here. However, the rest of that day is forever known to history. Joseph Redding died after plummeting 85 stories to his death,having been unable to accept the tremendous increase of technology between the Atari 2600 and the NES. Takashi Nozawa got an enormous bonus for the tremendous amount of income the Sears deal resulted in for Nintendo. He bought his own series of islands and retired at 26. The NES went on to become one of the most successful and beloved video game systems of all time. And George Brenner? Although successful for brokering the deal with Nintendo, Brenner unfortunately became more well-known on December 12th, 1985. On that frosty December morn, 87 men, women, and children were killed when Brenner lost his mind in a K-Mart Department store upon seeing that, despite the contract he thought he signed, the NES was available for sale at stores other than Sears.
