Surprise.
For a list of reasons faaaaaar to long to explain, it may be a while (longer than it already has been) before I can post again. I’m not shutting down or anything, just going on another one of my seasonal hiatuses. I’m sure longtime readers will be used to this by now. Updates will resume soon, including a possible fundraiser of some kind. For Child’s Play, not myself. Although I could probably use one too.
Sorry Again.
Yet again, I’m going on a brief hiatus. I have no internets, and until I get to go to the internet store and buy another bucket of internets I won’t be able to update. Sorry. It’s not that big of a deal, though, it’s not like my usual topics are going to somehow have become more out-of-date than they already are. Duck Hunt will still be decades old when I come back, it’s been 24 years, what’s another couple of months?
An Incredibly Late E3 ’09 Recap.
It would appear that E3 is back. It’s possible that it has been for a while, because I specifically stopped caring about E3 after they gutted it. I would eventually get all of the news anyway, so why bother tracking a series of boring press conferences if they don’t have any titties or monster trucks? Thankfully, this is no longer the case, and E3 is fun again. As such, here’s a recap of Day 1 that you’ve already read on other sites. I added dick jokes to make sure it’s worth reading again.
- Microsoft’s Press Conference
- MS started with a fucking bang. They really made an impression on just about everybody. This is exactly what a promotional press conference should be. Laden with plenty of revelations, plenty of actual gameplay videos, and most importantly, plenty of the kind of bullshit that is absolutely necessary for announcements like this.
- The biggest news is pretty much “Project Natal”, also known as “Project EyeToy”. Yet again, another developer misses the point about the Wii, not realizing that it’s having the ability to control something by moving your hand and not always jumping around like a spastic asshat that makes it palatable to everybody. It always seems as though other hardware designers, and sometimes even Wii software designers, see the commercials for the Wii with kids jumping around and assume that that’s the appeal of the system. This EyeToy camera for the 360 basically allows you to do the same thing as the Wii only also with your feet. It also allows for skateboard recognition and real-time dress trying-on. You know, for hardcore gamers, because only the dumb ol’ Wii targets anyone else.
- Crackdown 2 was announced. There’s not really a lot to say because not much was revealed, but I’m very, very excited about it. As I said before, I really enjoyed the first game, for no discernible reason, and I think this new one could be really good if they learn from their mistakes the first time around (I.E. more replay value, better gunplay, more to do outside of fighting racial gangs).
- Halo: ODST was shown, and despite my continued disdain for the Halo series as a whole, this actually looks really good. To be honest, it looks more like Metroid Prime than a Halo game, and the idea of a Metroid game set in the Halo universe could be delicious if executed properly. The environments in Halo games are always very bland, and that’s certainly not a problem with the Metroid series, but this game is to be set on Earth, and as far as Halo environs go, the Earth maps are definitely the most well-designed and interesting, so hopefully it will work out. Also, you don’t play as a hero designed by an 8-year-old (I.E. simplistic, invincible, and utterly devoid of anything even closely resembling personality; in a word, Master Chief), so the game just might stand a chance at being, dare I say it, interesting.
- Forza 3 is absolutely beautiful, and I don’t even like racing sims.
- Peter Molyneux’s new little tech demo is cute at first. After that, terrifying. Once the realization sets in that it’s essentially a tool to allow you to interact with a prepubescent boy in the privacy of your own home without the interference of parents, teachers, or law enforcement, I feel as though, were I to walk into a store and purchase it, I would exit the store only to find Chris Hansen and a couple of armed police officers offering me a seat. Fortunately, the game can be bought in the privacy of one’s own home, so… yeah. I guess it’ll be neat if I ever want to know what to say to little boys to make them like me. Also, this “revolutionary” stuff that Peter Molyneux tries to append to everything he does applies even less here, because this game was already made (in a much more entertaining fashion, for that matter) 10 years ago. It was called Seaman, and it was narrated by Leonard Nimoy. Once again, Japan wins.
- Metal Gear Solid was revealed to be jumping to the Xbox, which leaves Sony with approximately 0 remaining franchises anybody cares about. LittleBigPlanet was totally awesome, but I don’t think the mainstream audience was smart enough to realize that, and Uncharted looks pretty cool, but far too generic in concept to catch anyone who doesn’t already own a PS3′s eye. And Killzone? The only people who bought Killzone were the people who felt they had to buy Killzone, the people who, desperate for something, anything to justify paying so much money for a machine that gets even multiplatform games a year late. Killzone was automatically good, regardless of the product itself. Sony had just told them for so long that it was good. It was required to be true. If you exist outside of that mindset, Killzone was just another generic moderately-well-designed space marine FPS, just like the first game, with nothing new to offer except a “purposely” messed up aiming system. Ok, that was a pretty bad tangent. Anyway, MGS:Rising looks pretty sweet. Kojima is my hero.
- Holy shitting fucks. I don’t even remember hearing about this, but I just looked, and Perfect fucking Dark is being released on XBLA. That’s amazing. It’s not quite the fully updated remake of Goldeneye that almost was, but a slightly updated rerelease of Perfect Dark is still pretty extraordinary.
- Finally, Facebook, Twitter, and Last.fm are going to be accessable on XBL. Frankly, I don’t give a shit. I’ve got like 10 devices in my house right now that can access all 3 of those things (and several more), most of which are portable and don’t require me to type either with a clunky chatpad or an even clunkier controller-based interface.
-Sony
- Sony introduced a new PSP, and… hmm. It’s cool in theory, and I think I probably play more downloaded games than I do UMDs, mostly because Jumping Flash and Wild ARMs are available, but I like having the ability to use a UMD when neccesary (I.E. Mega Man: Powered Up), and I certainly don’t want to pay 80 fucking dollars extra for a gimped PSP. Sony claims that all UMD-based games after the new system’s release and that “a majority” of the games released previously would be available for download, but honestly, I just don’t believe anything they say anymore. It’s like they’re just incapable of not lying about things, and that makes me suspect this is just another mistruth.
- Rockstar announced a PS3 exclusive called Agent. I can’t find much information on it, but it’s apparently set in the late 1970s, and that’s cool. I generally trust Rockstar, even though GTAIV wasn’t all that great. I’d kind of like to see what they would do with a non-open world game.
- The Last Guardian looks amazing. “Art” game designers should take a page from Team Ico on how to make a game that is beautiful, unique, innovative, and immersive without having to be pretensious or boring. They manage to pull off what every shit designer thinks they’re doing, creating an environment that is a large part of gameplay while still actually having gameplay, with an often metaphorical plot that speaks about human nature, and again I must state, without being pretensious. It’s a difficult line to tread, but Team Ico has pulled it off every time.
- ModNation Racers looks pretty cute. I like the concept. I don’t have much else to say.
- Gran Turismo is looking pretty sweet. I just pray to god they don’t pull the microtransaction bullshit they discussed at one time.
- Perhaps most importantly, Sony promised 50 new PSOne Classics, which will mean the end of my bank account, and likely my marriage, after I buy Final Fantasy VII, MGS, and like 20 other games. It’ll be worth it though.
- Nintendo
- New Super Mario Bros. looks great. I played the shit out of the first one, and this looks like Super Mario World to the first game’s Super Mario Bros. 3. This is a delicious prospect.
- The new Metroid might be really good, or really insulting to the rest of the series, depending on how Team Ninja handles it. Keep in mind, Tomonobu Itagaki, and honestly, I’m not sure if that makes a case for it being good or bad. In any case, I hope it’s nothing like Ninja Gaiden or especially Dead or Alive. I don’t want to see Samus’s jiggling tits, and I don’t want to rack up a 500-hit combo. I want to play a goddammed Metroid game. Change can be implemented in the Metroid games very well while still keeping the spirit of the series; just look at Metroid Prime. That game was amazing, and it was distinctly a Metroid game, goddammit. Don’t disappoint me, Team Ninja.
- Super Mario Galaxy was the first game to give me the same sense of childlike wonderment I got the first time I played Mario 64, so I hope I get the same effect from the sequel. It’s got Yoshi in it!
- Golden Sun is one of the unsung heroes of the last generation of handhelds, so I hope the new one is successful. I’m already pretty sure it’ll be fun.
- Ubisoft
- Ubisoft had an amazing showing. Hahaha, just kidding. There was nothing even remotely worth reviewing. I can’t even figure out how they got a conference.
That hits basically everything I can think of. If I think of more I’ll add more. It’s too fucking late and I’m not funny anymore. Now that I have this out of the way I’m gonna review the Earthbound strategy guide. Any recommendations on a cbz viewer that takes screenshots? Otherwise I’m either gonna be spending time painstakingly editing menu stuff out, or, more likely, taking sloppy camera phone pictures of the actual pages.
Sorry again.
As you’ve probably noticed, it’s been a longass time since I’ve updated this site. Shit has been fucked up. I’ve been up to my ass in Libyan terrorists. Also, I may or may not have just been playing Saints Row 2 constantly.
In any case, now seems like a good time to unveil my ridiculous, potentially impossible new goal: I am going to try to review everything. To be frank, I doubt I’ll make it all the way. But I’m going to try anyway, and hopefully something worthwhile will come of it.
Obviously, because I don’t really care too much about being even-handed when it comes to games, I’m going to be going after games for systems I like first. Sorry if there are any Atari 2600 fans or “arcade hobbyists” who don’t own any cabinets made after 1981 out there, but I like games that are fun, and there are maybe 3 or 4 games in those 2 categories that fit into my strict guidelines for not making myself miserable. Still, though, I’m going to try to avoid reviewing the games that you can find countless (albeit unfunny) reviews for elsewhere.
I’m going to try to keep the reviews in a strict format, and I’m also going to attempt to lump them into themed batches. Hopefully I’ll stick to that, but there’s a good chance you’ll see a lot of grab bags.
I’m gonna go finish my first batch now, again by which I mean play Saints Row 2. See you fuckers later.
Eye of the Tiger.
I’m in a Street Fighter IV tournament, and I’m going on hiatus to train. I mean, you probably could have guessed that because I haven’t updated in like a month. But nonetheless.
However, while I am still at work, I’ll crank out a quick review and article.
Street Fighter IV rocks your balls off so hard it burns the hair off your head. As fantastic as Super Street Fighter II Turbo Ultra Mega HD Remix: The New Warriors: Championship Edition: Third Strike was, it has now become completely irrelevant to me, because SFIV is now my life. Everything about this game, from the art direction to the controls to the balance to the replay value is absolutely immaculate. In fact, I’ve put about 40 hours into the game so far, and the only complaint I can levy against it is the Radio Disney-esque theme song. It doesn’t even sound as legitimate as, say, N*SYNC or the Backstreet Boys, it sounds more like one of the even more blatantly manufactured boy bands, like Westlife or Boyzone. Other than that, I can’t find a complaint to make. The game has brought back Street Fighter as a cultural force, and even though it hasn’t reinvigorated arcades like I hoped (there are only like 15 or 20 SFIV cabinets in the country, possibly because the machines are $15000, and possibly because they’re import-only, which means they’re actually a lot more expensive than $15000), it’s done pretty much everything else I could have dreamed of.
Zangief is busted though. He is broken beyond belief. Way more powerful than he should be.
Anyway, back to the primary reason for the article. I am in a Street Fighter tournament. It’s the big national Street Fighter tournament being held by Gamestop. I’ve already won the store tournament, so next I’m headed allllll the way across town to Clinton Highway, where the next part of the tournament is. If I win here, I actually leave town and go to Chamblee, GA, and if I somehow manage to win there? A trip to San Francisco. All. Expenses. Paid. Hells yeah!
The prize for the next 2 rounds are a sweet fightpad and an even sweeter arcade stick. The weird thing is, they’re awesome, but they’re also made by fucking Mad Catz. I don’t know how to feel about them. I stopped using 3rd-party peripherals when my original Playstation (an SCHP-1001, which I found out recently is the equivalent of a $6000 audiophile CD player) was completely ruined by Performance-brand controllers and memory cards. I still have that model, and to this day, the only devices that work with it (and they don’t work very often) are 2 Performance controllers (they only work in the ports I originally used them in) and a Performance memory card (which won’t actually save any data). I swore, from that moment on, that I would never use a 3rd-party peripheral again, and so far I’ve kept my promise. But I think I may break it if I win these prizes.
So, that paragraph went on too long. The point of everything I’ve said so far is that, in order to win this tournament, I’m probably going on hiatus. I may come back. Usually I’ll be gone for a month, post to say I’m going on hiatus, then come back 2 days later. So we’ll see how it goes.
Also there are other things in the works. Keep looking here.
Bananas are 5 cents a bunch.
I really promise I’m writing something, it’s just taking forever. I’ve been sick, out of town, working on my game, and also, I’ve been just sitting around not writing. My next article’s really long, too, so keep coming back. OR ELSE.
Brief Hiatus
I’m going on a brief hiatus until I beat Chrono Trigger. That’s a lame reason, I know, but… honestly I don’t know how to end this sentence. So, once I beat it for the 19th time, I’ll come back and post about it. kthxbai
We’re Back
Sorry kids, technical difficulties on the site prevented me from updating. By “technical difficulties”, I mean “exotic sexual diseases”, and by “on the site”, I mean “from a Filipina hooker”. Updates will resume soon.
The Internets Man Came.
I put more internets in my internets box. I’ll be posting more from now on.
OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTAR
An Uneventful Absence
I have recently moved. As a result, I am fresh out of internets. Because I work for my internet provider, it will take an unbelievably long time for me to actually have my service activated. As a result, posts will be infrequent at best.
