What follows is a transcript of the remarks and thoughts of the first Americans to play Super Mario Bros., George Brenner and Joseph Redding, in late 1985. Their comments helped justify Nintendo’s decision to bring the NES to America the next year.
Takashi Nozawa, Nintendo VP of Marketing: We are pleased that you have decided to test our product to see if it is correct for the American market. We understand that the market for video game products has crashed in the United States, but we would like to assure you that our Family Computer is perfect for the American consumer.
George Brenner, Investment Manager, Sears: Well, keep in mind we were the ones who chose to sell the Atari 2600 through our department stores. I don’t think anything could top the demonstration they gave us. Between Star Ship and Race, I felt like I was living in a futuristic wonderworld. I couldn’t sleep for 15 whole days after I played it.
Joseph Redding, Investment Manager, Sears: I literally shit my pants when I saw Math. Literally. I was both amazed at the incredible technology in front of me and terrified to think that it could lead to me spending my golden years being hunted down in old age by a squad of impossibly intelligent SuperBabies raised by their Atari 2600 overlords to enslave mankind.
Takashi: Haha, yes, well, hopefully you will not have the same concerns with our products. *puts copy of Donkey Kong Jr. Math in garbage can* Perhaps you would like to try our flagship game, Super Mario Brothers?
George: Sure. What do you play as? Tanks, spaceships, or dots?
Takashi: Actually you play as a little man named Mario.
Joseph: That would be dots, then.
Takashi: Actually, no. He is a plumber with a mustache from Brooklyn.
George: Oh, I know. I saw the instruction manual. I meant what do you play as in the game.
Takashi: As did I.
George: HA! You’re good people, mister. But you and I know I’m not gonna be able to tell a person AND a mustache AND a hat apart on a character in a home video game.
George: Sweet fucking Jesus.
Joseph: Oh my god.
George: Look at all of those colors. There are… there are like 10 colors on the screen right now.
Joseph: That’s… that’s not possible. THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
George: Joseph, CALM THE FUCK DOWN. There’s no way everything can be this impressive. Holy… look at how fluid that movement is. I can’t… how are you doing this?
Takashi: I take it that you are impressed.
Joseph: Takashi, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest. Are you a witch?
Takashi: Hahaha, of course I am not. The solution is more simple that that. We at Nintendo have worked very hard on the hardware architecture of our Family Computer, or Famicom, as we call it. The efficient design allows the system to have a considerable amount of power while still being easy to program for, which allows us to create a large library of games both through our own research and development teams and through our third party designers.
George: Third party desig- WHOA JUMPING INTO THAT FUCKING BOX JUST MADE IT POP OUT A COIN OR SOMETHING. Third party designers? Atari had problems with them. It’s not fair that someone can just come along and make a piece of software for your hardware. They should make their own hardware if they want to release software.
Takashi: Well, that is where we hope to succeed where Atari failed. We have licensed out the rights to our hardware technology in order to be able to profit from third party software while still enjoying the expanded software library that results from having several developers.
Joseph: That’s retarded. It only takes a week, or two at the most, for a guy to design a game, you should just hire their developers and have them crank a few out every month. Then you get 100% profits.
George: What are these green things?
Takashi: Ah, those are pipes. Mario can travel down them. Try jumping on top of that one, then press down.
George: Ok… I guess I can…
George: SHITTING FUCKS.
Joseph: NGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *jumps out window*
George: JESUS CHRIST JOSEPH! OH GOD WE’RE ON THE 85TH FLOOR!
Takashi: I’ll call the emergency services! We’ve got to get down there to help him!
George: Ok, sure, but right now my first priority is making sure we finish this deal.
Takashi: But.. your friend! If we hurry we might be able to help him!
George: If I leave this room for even a second someone else could just waltz right the fuck in here and buy this. No way am I going to take that chance.
Takashi: Fine, fine, what can you offer us?
George: If you allow us to sell this game in our stores I will give you the information for the company bank account. You can take out whatever money you want whenever you want.
Takashi: Are.. are you sure? It seems like you would at least need to contact your home office to authorize a deal of that magnitude.
George: To hell with the home office. I WILL NOT MISS OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY.
Takashi: Fine, fine, we accept, now we have to go help your friend!
George: You have to promise me, PROMISE ME, that NO ONE ELSE will sell this product.
Takashi: Mr. Brenner, I must insist we help your friend!
George: PROMISE ME!
Takashi: We will attend to it when we get back! We must go now! *runs out door*
The tape ends here. However, the rest of that day is forever known to history. Joseph Redding died after plummeting 85 stories to his death,having been unable to accept the tremendous increase of technology between the Atari 2600 and the NES. Takashi Nozawa got an enormous bonus for the tremendous amount of income the Sears deal resulted in for Nintendo. He bought his own series of islands and retired at 26. The NES went on to become one of the most successful and beloved video game systems of all time. And George Brenner? Although successful for brokering the deal with Nintendo, Brenner unfortunately became more well-known on December 12th, 1985. On that frosty December morn, 87 men, women, and children were killed when Brenner lost his mind in a K-Mart Department store upon seeing that, despite the contract he thought he signed, the NES was available for sale at stores other than Sears.
The 5 Raddest Mario Vehicles.
Mario has driven some pretty fucking cool vehicles. First and foremost, he’s driven Yoshi since 1991. Yoshi won’t be on this list, though, because Yoshi’s a self-made man. He doesn’t need Mario’s bullshit for us to know who he is; he does his own thing, getting bitches and eating cookies shaped like his head. Kind of like Mr. T did in the late 80s.
No, this is a list of Mario’s other vehicles; the ones Mario used just a few times and abandoned because he just can’t quit Yoshi.
Sky Pop (Super Mario Land)
The Sky Pop is pretty much as awesome as a vehicle could possibly get. First of all, it’s called the Sky Pop, and that’s awesome in and of itself. In fact, I’m going to start calling my car the Land Pop, and assuming I ever get my right to drive back from the damn State, I’m going to drive around with a banner that says Land Pop. I don’t care if I did drive through a farmer’s market, or if the farmer’s market was being visited by a field trip for the county’s best and brightest 3rd graders. My forefathers didn’t fight Abraham Lincoln in World War I for me to sit at home watching reruns of Mama’s Family, except on Wednesday and Saturday, because those are my Mama’s Family nights.
Anyway, the Sky Pop.
It’s this sweetass plane Mario flies in Super Mario Land. You see, some bad shit went down in Super Mario Land, and Mario’s other woman, Daisy, got kidnapped by this asshole alien, Tatanga. He had a space ship, so Mario, feeling the need to prove himself more of a man than some purple alien bitch, flew right out into space in a damn biplane. But don’t worry about his safety, he wore goggles and a helmet. That’s all Mario needs to resist gravity, the lack of air, and absolute zero temperatures. Mario flew in, shot down Tatanga’s spaceship, and flew home. Then he humped Daisy and headed back to the Mushroom Kingdom.
To be honest, I don’t understand exactly what the deal is with the Super Mario Land series. There is no actual Super Mario Land, because the game takes place in Sarasa Land. And where the hell is that? Is that part of the Mushroom Kingdom, or outside of it? If it’s part of it, how does Mario get away with humping Daisy without Princess Toadstool ordering his head to be chopped off? If it isn’t part of it, where the hell is it, and how did Mario get there? The Mushroom Kingdom is balls huge. It’s got to be the size of like 10 Asias or something. It’s got every imaginable type of terrain. What landmass could possibly exist outside of the Kingdom? And why the hell does Mario think he’s entitled to just waltz in and start calling it Super Mario Land?
So yeah, anyway, the Sky Pop. It was like this plane Mario flew once.
My Favorite Thing About It:
It always makes me happy no matter what.
Here’s a picture of it:
Look at that shit! Tell me that didn’t just make your day. Look, even Mario’s happy. He’s raising his fist all like “FUCK YEAH SKY POP! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!” And he’s right. It totally is.
Bob-Omb Car (Mario Kart: Double Dash and Mario Kart Wii)
This vehicle made the list sheerly because of the balls it has to take to drive one of these motherfuckers. The Bob-Omb Car is literally a drivable explosive. And it’s only purpose is to drive around some Mario Kart tracks looking for some dick to cut him off or drive on the wrong side of the road, and BAM! Fucker blows up. I take back what I said; driving one of these wouldn’t just take balls, it would take some kind of insane fury, wrought by some terrible agony inflicted upon the driver, the kind of sheer hatred of bad driving that begins at a young age and ends up in an insane asylum or splattered all over the wall in front of 30 federal agents and the National Guard. THAT’S why the Bob-Omb Car made this list.
There aren’t many good pictures for me to steal, so here’s a bad one:
The sinister glowing eyes, the lit fuse, the expressionless face… these are the signs of evil if I’ve ever seen them.
My Favorite Thing About It:
I guess my favorite thing about the Bob-Omb Car is that it isn’t real. God knows I’ve made a few mistakes driving (just ask one of the 40 plaintiffs across 24 states currently involved in legal action against me), and that would worry me, but I’m even more afraid that I’d end up using one myself. I’m glad I can rest assured that no automaker would ever build something this retarded (well, maybe Ford). It’s kind of like if the Space Shuttle had been outfitted with a nuclear warhead at the end.
Koopa Clown Car (Super Mario World and all kinds of other games)
Hell yes.
I love this thing. I don’t know exactly what it is (it seems to be an aerodynamically impossible single-seat helicopter), but I would kill someone, right in front of their own mother, to get one for myself. If I had one of these my life would be perfect. I wouldn’t have to worry about money, or the environment, or politics or anything, I could just ride around and throw stuff at people and be awesome every day. I would blare Def Leppard songs out of it and pick up chicks and then we would fly to Spain and yell at the stupid Spaniards. Then the girls would laugh and tell me I’m awesome. And they’d be right, because I would have the Koopa Clown Car. Obviously, this is a fantasy I’ve had since about 1st grade.
This is a picture from the Super Mario World cartoon, instead of from one of the games, but I think it’s the funniest looking picture of the thing I can find.
I like that it seems blissfully uncaring about Bowser yelling at slaves through a vagina. All vehicles should look so disinterested.
My Favorite Thing About It:
My favorite thing about the Koopa Clown Car is that it actually has the ability to change its expression from happy to angry to murderous. That would be extremely useful on the road. For example, say you’re on the interstate and some asshole in a red pickup truck (only assholes drive red pickup trucks, so that’s kinda redundant) cuts you off without signaling (which is going to happen because, as far as I can tell, red pickup trucks are not issued with turn signals. If they were, I would have seen at least one of the fucking drivers actually use it by now. Surely there aren’t that many mentally disabled drivers who are able to get credit to buy a $25000 truck). All of a sudden, the expression on your car’s face goes from happy to angry. Then the truck slows waaaaaaay down in front of you, but cuts you off every time you try to pass. Finally, you get around it and start going faster, but the driver, embarrassed about his tiny 2 inch dick (as all drivers of red pickup trucks are), starts speeding up and tailgating you. Then your car’s face turns from angry to a face depicting a demented hatred. You look at the driver, say “Yeehaw, hoss! This here like NASCAR ain’t it?!?”, then start throwing mildly retarded robot turtles at his car, causing him to swerve off the side of the road. As you turn and continue down the road, you hear the truck explode behind you, and you feel confident in yourself for having made the world a better place. Then you drive around with supermodels and make every man jealous of you as you fly to Spain and make fun of those stupid Spaniards. Such is the life of the owner of a Koopa Clown Car.
Lakitu’s Cloud (Most Mario games, but specifically Super Mario World)
Imagine this with Mario in it instead of a masturbating voyeuristic turtle.
For the man who likes to travel in style. There are few classier rides than Lakitu’s Cloud. Of course, you have to pay for that style. With murder. This is the only ride I can think of that Mario has to straight-up kill for. But once you get a hold of it, you are less a plumber than a god. Lakitu’s Cloud allows Mario access to anything he wants, whenever he wants, and, especially after playing level 4-1 of Super Mario Bros., gives some much needed vindication to the victims of one of the most obnoxious enemies in Mario history. I’ve gotten good enough at the SMB that I can generally kill Lakitu and get through the level without him being a problem, but in the days of my youth, Lakitu made the game such a bitch that I was lucky to get more than three levels into the game (Three, because at the end of level 1-2 there is of course a warp zone, and I couldn’t not use it to go into the furthest level possible, which was of course the first level with Lakitu. I knew it was there, therefore, I had to use it.) But all that changed with Super Mario World. Murdering Lakitu and taking his cloud was like asking the most popular girl in high school to the dance, and then raising your fist in triumph as she just blows you right in front of the whole student body.
My Favorite Thing About It
Honestly, as awesome as it is to use Lakitu’s Cloud in Super Mario World, it was probably actually more useful as an item in Super Mario Bros. 3, where it could be used to actually skip an entire level. This came in most handy with the World 2 desert level, because in that level is the fucking angry-ass sun. I don’t know what Mario did to make the sun angry, but whatever it was, he’s fucking pissed at him. So much so that he’s willing to fly to the Earth just to try to murder him. He even looks incredibly pissed:
Fuck.
I was terrified of this sun as a kid. I know the stereotype is that gamers are afraid of the sun, and I hate to reinforce stereotypes, but come on. Look at that fucking thing. If this is where the stereotype comes from I think I totally agree with it.
Kuribo’s Shoe (Super Mario Bros. 3)
HOLY SHIT THE SHOOOOOOOOOOOOE
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
This fucking shoe is the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen, and if you disagree you are a shitwagon. That is a wagon which is both full of shit and principally composed of shit. And you are one if you disagree with me. I can’t even just call it a shoe, or even Kuribo’s Shoe. The only way to express the awesomeness it contains is to put that shit in ALL CAPS.
THE SHOE is, as seen above, something that Mario rides in to be awesome during one level in Super Mario Bros. 3. It gives to Mario several different abilities. Here are a few:
- Makes him invulnerable to any environmental enemy (I.E. Nipper Plants, those little white Piranha Plants that made up floors that killed you)
- Allows him to jump on any enemy and kill it, even Spinies and Piranha Plants
- Makes him look totally awesome
- Gives him a gigantic erection which pokes through the front of the shoe
- Gets him a large Icee for the price of a medium Icee at Weigels
- Causes him to shit silver dollars
- Gets him invited to some kickass parties
- Gives him a luminance that outshines even the sun, making him difficult for mortals to look at
- Has a Fresca tap, so he can have a Fresca any time he wants it
- Gives him an extra month between November and December to do his Christmas shopping
- Allows him to skip airport security
- Pours glasses of Five Alive, a refreshing citrus beverage that contains the juice of five fruits, and, as produced by THE SHOE, also cures AIDS
As you can see, THE SHOE offers many advantages. But perhaps most importantly, it shows how badass Mario is. It doesn’t look like it by how well he handles it, but Mario is possibly the only one other than Goombas to be able to control the shoe. Just look at this picture of Bowser using it:
Bowser’s a pretty powerful motherfucker. But just look at what THE SHOE did to him. It turned him Cheetos orange, gave him a raccoon tail, lit his hand on fire, and apparently caused him to kill Captain Planet and steal his symbol, judging by that thing in his right hand. You can’t fuck with THE SHOE unless you’ve got the right stuff.
My Favorite Thing About It
If I think of anything that is less than perfect about it I’ll let you know.
A Boy and His Blob Is Coming Out Next Month
And you should totally buy it.
Everybody seems to remember A Boy and His Blob, and for good reason. It was clever, fun, creative, and also you could repeatedly punish a gentle, benign creature by throwing ketchup-flavored jellybeans at him. I’ve heard many people call for a sequel to it, and that’s certainly a movement I can get behind, but people tend to ignore that there already was a sequel to it, The Rescue of Princess Blobette. That’s probably because it wasn’t nearly as good. Also, as odd as this is for a relatively obscure, somewhat bizarre NES game, additionally sequels have been attempted twice, first for the GBA and then again for the DS, with both attempts failing because Majesco was unable to properly fund them. Fortunately, this time the sequel is done, marketed, and set for release on the Wii October 13th.
There isn’t a whole lot of information out yet, but I can say I’m already planning to buy the game. I didn’t really play the original game quite as much as others seem to have, but I enjoyed it, and moreover, even if I didn’t, the game is absolutely gorgeous, easily the best-looking 2D game I’ve seen in recent years. Just look at this trailer:
Now, let me get one thing straight: I hate people who are concerned at all with graphics. They simply don’t matter at all beyond simple aesthetic pleasure, and while great graphics can be the icing on the cake for a really fun game, they don’t have anything to do with making a game good. That said, I would almost buy this game based on the visual style and animation alone. Honestly, I wouldn’t even have to play it, I could just watch someone play it and get more enjoyment out of it than I did out of most games released last year combined. I get the same thrill out of it that I do out of watching a really well-animated film, like The Iron Giant or anything by Miyazaki. I’m incredibly impressed.
It also doesn’t hurt that the game looks really really fun. I think this is going to be a really, really special release, so everybody go buy it October 13th. Also, even though I am utterly opposed to the dumbass preorder system Gamestop profits so much off of, I am willing to completely violate my principles in order to get this:
Just seeing that warms even my black heart.
FYI, you cannot marry a videogame.
Believe me, when Chrono Trigger DS came out, I tried.
Chrono Trigger is one of my favorite games ever, possibly my absolute favorite ever (although that usually largely depends on what I’m playing). Every aspect of it has always stood out as the pinnacle of what I love about games: a fun and creative battle system, an intensely well-written story (even after going through the translation process), likeable and identifiable characters, philosophical undertones about the nature of God, time, the planet, and the motivations of mankind without trying to smack you in the face with its big, floppy, Nietzsche-loving cock (like Xenogears did), and some of the best graphics ever seen in the second dimension, not to mention an amazing soundtrack. I’m very particular about things I love. Some might say I’m very passionate about them. Others, my wife for instance, might say that I’m a borderline alcoholic who snaps like a twig and goes ballistic at the slightest hint of something not going my way. So, naturally, it was extremely important to me that every one of these elements was executed perfectly.
Thankfully, despite the bad rap they’re getting concerning their newer games, Square-Enix still knows how to treat their old franchises. To illustrate this point, here’s a fun fact: I’ve bought Final Fantasy 2/4 4 times. Every single time it was a special experience. If another new version comes out, I’ll probably buy it too. The game just never gets old to me. I don’t feel bad about buying them, either. You can say whatever you want about a company releasing their old games over and over, but (and this is especially true of Chrono Trigger) it gives people a chance to play a game they may have heard about many times but never gotten to play, and in the case of people like me, gives people a chance to play a game they’ve played many times and have fond memories of in new ways. The biggest problem I have with the complaints of companies (especially Square and Nintendo) shovelling remakes out the door is that they seem to always ignore the positive aspects of these releases. They allow companies an opportunity to make a good profit on a product that has been proven to be considered good and which gamers actually want that more often than not goes directly into the development of other new games. It’s similar to how I feel about World of Warcraft. I don’t care for it personally, and I mock it at every junction, but I’d never suggest it shouldn’t exist, because with the nigh-infinite funds Blizzard receives from it, they’re able to produce games like Diablo 3 and Starcraft 2.
So anyway, Chrono Trigger. It’s exactly as good as I remember it (from when I beat it last a few months ago), but with some added features I like a lot. I really enjoy the addition of the ending counter, which will actually tell you when you’ve finished all the games endings, something I’ve never been able to do because of my tendency to try to squeeze all the life out of the game I can get, which means I always beat Lavos by going through the Black Omen at the end, the longest possible route through. I would have loved the music box option if I didn’t already have the soundtrack, and the addition of the videos from the Playstation version were a nice bonus I wasn’t expecting.
The most important addition, of course, are the new map areas. Most of the reviews I’ve read tend to concur that they’re repetitive. I, personally, enjoyed them quite a bit. Then again, I’m not the most objective person to review them, because I’m going to love them either way. New maps = more Chrono Trigger. Honestly, I thought the Dimensional Vortex areas were decently laid out but focused too much on battles instead of exploration, and suffered a bit as a result. After completing the areas, the new boss, the Dream Devourer, pops up. This battle is very, very hard. However, the strategy involved makes it extremely fun as well, and the new ending ties the game to its sequel (Radical Dreamers, a Japan-only visual novel, not Chrono Cross) in a way it never did before (that is, directly).
Overall, I solidly recommend Chrono Trigger DS to everybody. As a kid, Chrono Trigger is the game that was most responsible for the development of my concept of a narrative. It tells its story so well that it redefined the way I looked not only at games but at art and storytelling in general. If I were Sultan of America, I would make it a legal requirement to own and complete it, punishible by exploding. Of course, if I were Sultan, I would also ban the use of umbrellas and make it a capital offense to be Shaq, so maybe I’m not the best to judge.
ZOMG
Prepare for an announcement of pants-shittingly huge proportions.
=O
www.nintendo.com/consumer/pinrecall.jsp
Nintendo is recalling a series of character lapel pins that are totally balls-to-the-wall awesome. Just look at them:
Lead or not, I’d still wear all of those fuckers at the same time, directly in my skin if necessary. If you went into a doctor’s office for lead poisoning after wearing these, he’d say “You’re a brave young man/woman. You’d think as a doctor I’d know which one you are. But I failed medical school. Anyway, for standing in the face of adversity by doing the right thing and wearing these pins despite the very real danger they posed to your health, I hereby declare you Chief Surgeon of this hospital!“
