NIMF to Close at the End of 2009!
The National Institute on Media and the Family is set to close at the end of 2009. Known for, among other things, being responsible for the term “killographic”, NIMF has been around since 1996 and has cranked out a large amount of bullshit in those 13 years. The organization mostly focused on “eliminating them Natendos”.
I just hope this will lead to killography being widely available to those who wish to buy it. I intend on visiting my local killography store as soon as possible.
SHOCKING Xbox Live Poll Results!
www.joystiq.com/2008/08/29/gamerpicks-xbox-live-rock-the-vote-polled-obama-ahead
I’ve got some breaking news for you fuckers. MTV, bastion of vital political information, did a completely scientific poll (they counted gamertags with pictures of the candidate) to see who was leading in the hearts of gamers. Amazingly, Barack Obama, the 47 year old Democratic candidate whose revolutionary use of the internet and other technological means to gain the support of young people across the country is actually BEATING John McCain, a 72 year old Republican who doesn’t seem to know what the internet is!
To discover how this impossible scenario could ever happen, I decided to take it TO THE STREETS.
Unfortunetly, no one was willing to dignify me with a response, so I’ve got nothing.
Ahem.
Did you guys see the Olympics? They were pretty cool.
GTA Blamed for Firebombing; Gaming World Breathes Exasperated Sigh
www.mmoclerks.com/2008/08/08/arrested-teen-blames-gta-for-hit-firebombing-spree-crime/
Well, it’s finally starting to happen. Dumbfuck white trash teenagers are seeing that dumbfuck old people who are afraid of technology will let them off the hook for anything if they say they they learned it from video games. Never mind that the game doesn’t teach you how to make firebombs in any way, nothing even close to it. Far be it for them to do any fucking research on anything before they complain about it.
You know what? I don’t think GTA is to blame here.
I blame the literary works of Herman Melville.
I’m really not familiar with any of them, but he wrote Moby Dick, and I assume there’s a part where Ishmael tells the reader how to build an explosive-tipped harpoon, and Ahab uses it to become popular in high school and get sex from all the hottest cheerleaders, and a free Ferrari. Then he gets wasted and yells “Whoo! Drinking and driving is the coolest thing a teenager can do!” Is this the kind of media we want raising our kids for us? I hope not, because God knows we’re not mentally capable of raising them ourselves!
Jack Thompson Killed by Gamer
Anti-Game Crusader shot to death outside of courthouse
Early yesterday morning, anti-video game protester Jack Thompson was shot to death during a protest against Rockstar Games’ new product, Grand Theft Auto IV. The identity of the shooter has not been confirmed, but witnesses say he was carrying a mouse and keyboard. The man snuck up behind Thompson, pulled the mouse and keyboard out of a trenchcoat, used the mouse to steady his aim, held the ctrl button to crouch, and fired one glowing laser shot. He then screamed “BOOM! HEADSHOT!” and escaped to the top of a building. Thompson’s body twisted a few times, then landed twisted up with his legs touching his back, not unlike a ragdoll. The shooter than made his escape. “He just jumped from one building to another, using his rocket boosters. I mean, I knew all along Jack was right about video games being evil, that’s in the Bible, but I didn’t realize he was this accurate about them turning kids into killing machines,” said Wayne Kalasky, a fellow protester following Thompson. “After he shot him, he fired about 3 of these huge missles into the courthouse, which for some reason didn’t even seem to make a dent in it, then hopped into a World War 2-era fighter plane, which immediately after liftoff he crashed into a wall.” Despite police investigations, no body has been found. “We believe he has reappeared, or, ‘respawned’ in another location,” said Tim Perkins, chief of police. The investigation is ongoing, and details will be posted as they come in.
Could Haggar’s Incumbency be Threatened?
Dean Rexley, a city councilman from Metro City, USA, has announced his candidacy in this year’s Metro City mayoral election, becoming the first to oppose incumbent Mike Haggar since his first term. In an interview with the Metro City Generic Press that has been described variously as “insane” and “suicidal”, Rexley stated his reasons for his campaign against Haggar. “13 terms is simply too many! The only reason Haggar was elected in the first place was his ‘anti-crime initiative’. Yes, I agree that Metro City had a crime problem at the time, but Haggar took it too far. In response to requests for increased police funding, Haggar simply walked down the street killing everyone in sight, viciously beating them with lead pipes and piledriving them into the concrete, headfirst. All of this culminated in Haggar dropkicking handicapped businessman Horace Belger out of his wheelchair and through a plate glass window to a deadly 11-story drop. I mean, the man eats barbeque he finds in oil drums! Do we really want someone like this running our town?” Upon hearing this, Haggar, who had been standing at the door waiting to be interviewed, shattered the door to splinters with his trademark Spinning Lariat, threw a knife into Rexley’s face, then suplexed him four times. Witnesses report Rexley then flashed 3 times and disappeared.
(This blogger endorses Mike Haggar for Metro City Mayor.)
