My Mario Paint Problem.
This is going to be a short article, mostly because having to fucking rewrite yesterday’s article took up so much of my time, and I really am busy with finals coming up next week.
However, it will make up for the length with complete lunacy. You see, I have a “problem” with Mario Paint. Actually, not just with Mario Paint, but with any game that allows you even the slightest degree of creativity. Whether it’s a game show that allows you type in your own answers, or a completely freeform creative application game, I go completely fucking bonkers with it. I’m talking really crazy. Like, this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S crazy.
Look at this drawing I did in Mario Paint:
What is that? What is going on there? Why is Mario’s head so big? Why is there a ladder to a terrifying God? Why are that cactus and that elephant playing a prank on that Koopa Troopa? And, for that matter, why did they turn him into a tiger as a prank? That seems a bit overboard. And how did they do it? Cacti and elephi can’t turn things into tigers. Were they granted this ability by Mardok, Lord of Terror over there? And seriously, why is Mario’s head so big? What is he even doing there? He doesn’t belong there.
I do this every time I’m given any degree of freedom in a game; it’s always a terrifying look into my mind. And apparently I’m not the only one who does that:
That’s terrible! And yet I would probably do something worse.
Maybe that’s why we’re given godawful shit games like Dante’s Inferno instead of anything creative. Maybe the game industry is trying to save us from ourselves, before we turn each others’ skin into lampshades.
Letters to the Mayor from Irate Citizens of Simcity.
Mr. Mayor,
I’m writing to you about a problem that I feel is very serious in Simcity. Why are there so many plane crashes? It seems I cannot go a single day without my work commute cut off by the burning wreckage of a 747. I have lived in several towns, including Metro City, Willamette, Silent Hill, and Tampa Bay, and while all these towns had their problems (particularly Tampa Bay), none of them, or any other town I’ve even heard of, has had a problem with frequent plane crashes. Perhaps most disturbing is the fact that these plane crashes began literally the same day you took office, and only seem to stop when you go out of town. I am especially concerned about this issue because Simcity doesn’t even have an airport. I fear to question a man who seems to be able to pull airplanes from the sky, but what connection, if any, do you have to these crashes? Are you Jacob? Am I a candidate?
Sincerely,
42 - Fischer
Mayor,
I would like to address the current state of our transit system. Namely, that the roads in our town cause a 6% increase in the level of pollution. I would like you to completely dismantle the road system in our town and replace it with railroads. As you have complied with my previous requests to build 6 nuclear reactors to fit the energy needs of our 20,000 citizens and to cover every last area of earth in our city’s zoning area with park ground, I feel assured you will respond to this request in kind.
Thank you,
Brian Davis
Dear Mayor… ???,
I didn’t vote for you. In fact, although I like your parks intitative, and therefore would have loved to have voted for you, I didn’t see your name on the ballot. Or on any campaign advertisements. Or even on the city register. I can’t seem to find any proof of exactly who you are, and everyone just seems to call you “mayor.” Why do you not have a name?
Signed,
James Phillips
To: Mayor
From: Advisor
Re: Suggestions
This city needs a massive overhaul of its power industry. Please replace the old coal plants with nuclear reactors.
Crime and fires are too rampant in this city. Please increase police and firefighting budgets by at least 600%.
Simcity could also use a new stadium. The 2 we have are nice, but you know.
We could also use a brand new international airport. Also, a massive new seaport.
The city only has 4 amusement parks. Please build more.
We should build a massive, gleaming, solid gold statue of Mario, from the popular Super Mario Bros. video game.
Also, many citizens are not happy about the level of taxes in this city.
Let me know when these problems are solved.
Thank you,
Dr. Wright
Dear Mayor Dong Wrangler,
This is Mike Haggar, and I’m pretty fucking pissed. I’m the mayor of Metro City. I know you know that, because I saw your note referring to me as “Mayor Faggar.” Do you know who the last person that called me that was? It was state senator Todd Burkett. Oh, you’ve never heard of him? That’s probably because I convinced my friends in the probate court to put out an order changing his name to “Baron Fagcock von SerialRapist.” His wife left him, he lost his re-election campaign, he couldn’t get hired anywhere, and now he sits under the bridge on the interstate drinking varnish. Oh, wait, one of my aides just let me know that he jumped off a building. Serves him right.
So I heard you have problems with giant lizards attacking your town! You better hope one of them takes out your fucking house, because so help me god, if I find out where you live, I’m going to eat you, shit you into every toilet in your house, and then light the septic tank on fire.
Your pal,
Mike Haggar
Tweets From the Lead Characters from Contra.
@ScorpiLance: we just landed in some river in galuga. can’t wait to kill ppl!
@MadDogBill: @Scorpilance dude i’m right beside you and tweeting you lol but lets kill those dudes
@ScorpiLance: @MadDogBill lol ok. i bet i can kill more ppl than you!
@MadDogBill: fuck yeah spread gun!!! time to get to some genocide!!
@ScorpiLance: #itsannoyingwhen someone shoots you to death when you just got a flamethrower
@MadDogBill: @sbelmontvampirehunter sorry i cant make your true blood party! ill make it up to you after i exterminate this alien race
@ScorpiLance: just killed a dude before I saw him! mang im dyin for some arbys wonder if galuga has one lol
@ScorpiLance: OMG GALUGA HAS AN ARBYS. IM SAVED
@MadDogBill: I just became mayor of the Galuga Arby’s on FourSquare!
@MadDogBill: mmm curly fries and a big montana
@ScorpiLance: @MadDogBill dude that meat slicer has a glowing spot on it!
@MadDogBill: @ScorpiLance fuck! lets shoot it quick!
@ScorpiLance: guys DO NOT visit restaurants in other countries. this meat slicer turned into a fucking 200 foot tall wall of guns with a glowing spot!
@MadDogBill: RT @ScorpiLance guys DO NOT visit restaurants in other countries. this meat slicer turned into a fucking 200 foot tall wall of guns with…
@ScorpiLance: Hell yeah we beat the first boss! time to move on!
@MadDogBill: @ScorpiLance Dude move away from me. When you look at us in profile standing next to each other our pants turn purple lol
@ScorpiLance: @MadDogBill lol sorry dude. if it wasn’t for our pants youd never be able to tell us apart.
@MadDogBill: #FF Konami tweeps! @solidsnake1987 @officialvicviper @TMNTRaph @KonamiManSecret
@ScorpiLance: fuck you bill you stole my last life! now when we die we’re both dead!
@MadDogBill: oh fuck we’re not even done with the second area of our assault yet!
These were the last known transmissions of the brave Contra team. At least, until they started their valiant mission over again with the Konami code. Then it was a breeze.
On Ogre Battle, and By Way of That, Funny Game Titles
I’m still working on an article that has turned out to be really, really long. As a result I wanted to write something small in the meantime to hold you guys over until I finish this other post. And yes, that is a conveniently-worded way of saying I’m lazy.
The Ogre Battle series is one of the less famous strategy RPGs, or at least it has become less famous recently, but it is storied among people of my generation as one of the best ever. It was a little different than the grid-based strategy RPGs today, in that you manage your empire kind of indirectly. Instead of sending out 3 or 4 units to attack, you send out several armies to meet other armies that are coming to attack your cities. When these units meet, you just watch them fight, and pray that the combination of units you chose will be good enough to win. As such, it was much more purely strategy than today’s strategy RPGs.
As a lifelong Queen fan, however, Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen and its sequel, Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together, hold a bigger significance. Namely, the developer, Yasumi Matsuno, is obsessed with them. If you aren’t a Queen fan (and seriously, please get hit by a bus and die if you aren’t), Ogre Battle, March of the Black Queen, and Let Us Cling Together are all the titles of Queen songs. Matsuno, who is more famous than you think, having been the designer of, among other things, Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Vagrant Story, absolutely loves Queen, and sneaks references to them in a lot of his games. For example, there’s a chapter in FF Tactics called Somebody to Love, and the sword you start with in Vagrant Story is called Fandango (a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody’s operatic section). Even in FFXII the summon Hashmal (no, I will NOT fucking call summons Eidolons) uses an attack called Rock You, a reference to We Will Rock You (obviously). Unfortunately, in the translated version of the game, the attack is called Roxxor, because WE ARE UP ON INTERNETES SLANG! FOR THE EPIC WINNER! LOLCATS FAILBAN!
There isn’t really much of a point to this post. I just mostly wanted to demonstrate how lucky we are the Matsuno was obsessed with a band that lent itself to cool titles, because Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen is just two Queen songs with a colon in between. It could have been much worse, as these examples demonstrate:
- Steely Dan: Kid Charlemagne: Do It Again - The story of a young Charlemagne as he attempts to expand the Frankish empire across Europe. A platformer, obviously.
- Styx: Mr Roboto: The Grand Illusion - A psychological survival horror game about an imaginary robot that follows the main character around trying to kill him. Also the main character is Dennis DeYoung.
- Journey: Don’t Stop Believin’: Faithfully A Christian game by the makers of Left Behind. Try to keep your faith alive while faced with such Biblical evils as homosexuality, pornography, and environmentalism. First-Person Shooter.
- The Eagles: Take It Easy: Life in the Fast Lane - This one borderlines on nonsensical. Am I taking it easy, or living life in the fast lane? Make up your goddammed mind, Don Henley. Either a relaxing sim game or an intense racer.
- Kiss: Love Gun: Lick It Up - This one is just vile. No comment.
…
Wii game.
www.joystiq.com/2008/08/28/capcom-resident-evil-2-wiimake-rumor-isn’t-worth-a-comment
Upon reading this story, I knew something was up, so I decided to contact Svensson, the VP of Strategic Whatever and Something at Capcom.
Big mistake.
“Fuck you.You are an asshole. I hate you so much. This is so stupid. How do you idiots get the idea that we’re making this game. You are so retarded. Why don’t you go mongle more cocks you fag-humping dick bishop. If I get one more call about this, so help me God, I’ll drive a wheelbarrow full of flaming dicks up your ass.”
Then he hung up on me.
I think we can file this rumor under “maybe”!
Mega Man 9 – My Proudest Achievement
Well, it’s finally happened. I’ve wished so hard for a game to exist that it has has taken corporeal form. It’s real! I’ve done it.
Of course, this puts me in a great position to obtain information from the inside of development. So, here’s my interview with myself, the chief project visualization manager of Mega Man 9 (a title I bestowed upon myself this morning).
Catchy Name News: Well, it’s great to have me here.
Justin Strong, Chief Project Visualization Manager: It’s great to be here.
CNN: So, tell us a little bit about what persuaded you to create Mega Man 9.
JS: Well, the idea came to me about 14 years ago, when I was 6. I played the recently released Mega Man 6, and thought “You know, this is really fun. They need to make another one.” So I waited, and waited, and waited. Of course, there were other ones along the way, such as Mega Man X, and of course the direct sequels Mega Man 7 and 8. I didn’t complain, because those games fucking ruled. But…
CNN: But it wasn’t exactly what you were waiting for.
JS: Well, I mean, yeah, it was. But I still wanted another NES one.
CNN: So, it wasn’t what you were looking for.
JS: I just said that it was.
CNN: Look, I think I know what I’m fucking thinking, alright? It wasn’t what you were looking for.
JS: Yeah, alright, sure. Anyway, so Mega Man 9 kind of came out of that idea.
CNN: I see. But surely you knew how unlike that would be, what with the end of the NES’s life cycle and what the gaming industry evolved into after that.
JS: Well, I did, but at the same time, I always secretly hoped that they’d make another one. I continued working on it in my head, planning out the way the game worked. In early 2006 I had the idea of being able to play as the robot masters you defeated, at which point Capcom contacted me (via a direct satellite uplink they have to my brain to monitor my thoughts and make my dreams become manifest) to use that idea for Mega Man: Powered Up! for the PSP. The success of that game paved the way for the creation of Mega Man 9.
CNN: So it was used to kind of test the waters for the viability of an NES-style Mega Man.
JS: Presumably. I don’t know what they were thinking.
CNN: But I know what you’re thinking! And it’s very smart.
JS: Yes, it is! Thank you. You’re quite handsome!
CNN: Likewise! Anyway, what can we expect to see in this new Mega Man?
JS: Well, first of all, it’s going to be a return to the ingeniously simple gameplay of the NES era. The music is really shaping up, too. Of course you know, the Mega Man series has some of my favorite music ever. Oh, and one other detail I can let out: thanks to Capcom’s brilliant programming team, we were actually able to cause the sprites to flicker for that extra NES atmosphere. They’re working in some other bugs too, just to make it as authentic as possible. Just look at this “box art”!
CNN: Wow! That’s awesome.
JS: I know, right? It’s gonna be rad. I can’t believe I came up with it. Of course, the friendly folks over at Capcom had a hand in it too.
CNN: Well, this looks fucking amazing. I can’t wait for it to be released. Have you set a release date yet?
JS: Well, I haven’t HEARD anything yet… I’ll have to check on that.
CNN: Well, when can we see some footage, at least?
JS: Well, no footage has been officially released yet, but I’ll let you know when it has.
CNN: Kotaku had footage of it a month ago.
JS: What?
CNN: Yeah, this was a month ago.
JS: Well, I…
CNN: You really have no idea about any of this, do you?
JS: Well…
CNN: You’re completely clueless! You have nothing to do with this game, do you?
JS: Well, yeah, I mean, kind of…
CNN: You’re making an ass of me!
JS: You’re making an ass of yourself!
CNN: THAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID!
JS: This interview is over.
Well. That’s how that went. It’s almost sad that so many game nowadays are shitty that I’m more excited about Mega Man 9 than I am about any of the major releases left this year (unless you count Fable 2, which I am equally excited about). But it’s not sad, because Mega Man fucking rules. Look at this:
Mega Man 5 was awesome. But guess what? THIS ISN'T MEGA MAN 5 FUCK YES THIS IS GOING TO RULE
I would continue talking about it, but every sentence would just be a variation on “FUCK YES”. So, instead of keeping on, I’m going to just salivate over it. I suggest you do the same.
New Sonic Game to Find Other Beloved Childhood Memories, Rape Them
Sega’s latest Sonic the Hedgehog game, “Sonic the Hedgehog: Reputation Fuckers!”, will put a new spin on the recently rebooted series’ formula. According to lead designer Ruben Alvarez, the game will “shatter barriers once thought unbreakable” by “finding everything you’ve ever loved and destroying it.”
In a press conference Saturday, Alvarez elaborated on this statement, saying “We here at Sega have tried really hard for the last few years to make gamers hate us and to completely ruin the good standing we have in the gaming community that has resulted from our entire history until about 2004, but despite our efforts, some people still have fond memories of us. We keep giving mediocrity our all, but somehow it hasn’t worked. We suffered a big setback from our unfortunately excellent hit Yakuza, so we’ve tried to redouble our efforts, creating bad Sonic game after bad Sonic game, even going as far as to shit on the original Sonic the Hedgehog, a move no one believed was even possible. The game was already done! All we had to do was port it! Yet, we still managed to successfully make it awful. Somehow this wasn’t enough for the community at large.”
After their exeunt from the hardware market in 2002, Sega was on top of the world, at least as far as credibility. The company became almost universally praised for its software, with hits such as Super Monkey Ball and Virtua Fighter 4. However, it didn’t lead to a large enough increase in sales, and, as a result, the company was sold to Sammy in 2003, at which point the company’s focus became, to quote their corporate slogan, to “topple everything (their) forebears have built.” Most games from the company since have encapsulated this philosophy, but according to Alvarez, the company has “frequently been challenged by attempts to create a horrible product that no one can enjoy.”
“A large part of this is that programmers continually refuse to make the game as bad as it could possibly be. We’ve tried hitting them, we’ve tried yelling at them, we’ve even threatened to have them incinerated. And then, just to show we’re serious, we actually do it! Many of them still haven’t been deterred. But we think we’ve stumbled upon the right combination of people this time. And, as a result, we’re going to corner the market on terrible games.”
“The hardest part about making a game bad is that it’s difficult to find what people hate. However, thanks to technology that is available to us in this modern day and age, that problem can be circumvented. Our newest game will begin with a required survey concerning things you loved when you were younger. The results of this survery are submitted to us via XBox Live, where we will update your game, live, into a nightmarish, unbearable desecration of all your most treasured memories. It’s truly revolutionary. And don’t think this will extend only to your favorite Sega characters; we intend to cover everything you loved, from Transformers to the red bike your parents bought you when you were 8.”
“The player will then be released into a sandbox world full of these things, changed to fit our bile-filled vision. For example, Snake-Eyes from G.I. Joe, surely a beloved memory from anyone in the 80s, would be transformed into an anthropomorphic snake-ninja who rapes your mom as she’s making chocolate chip cookies, over and over again. It will be extraordinarily, possibly even disastrously expensive, but it will be worth it to achieve our goal of being universally reviled by gamers.”
The game is set to be released in late November, just in time for Christmas, a bastardized version of which the game is set in. Preorders will include a DVD of Sonic sodomizing your grandparents, over and over again, for an hour.
Reviews on Ritalin: R-Type
My friend, Mumblin’ ADHD Joe, has asked if he can write a review for me. I, being the kind and benevolent soul I am, said yes. So, pending Joe’s $200 payment, I proudly present Joe’s Reviews on Ritalin: R-Type.
(Yes, I know R-Type is 21 years old. It still kicks ass, so if you’re going to complain, just save me some time and tell yourself to eat a wheelbarrow full of flaming dicks.)
R-Type is a shoot-them-up game released in arcades in 1987. It has 8 levels, 3 weapons, 7 bosses, 987 enemies, 6,796 stars in the background, and it took me 84 quarters to beat it, which is 21 dollars, or 2,241.77 yen.
R-Type is very difficult. I spent exactly 9 hours, 34 minutes, and 17 seconds attempting to memorize the entire level so I could make it through completely untouched.
Took more medication. Slowing.
Graphics: Each ship is made of 486 pixels.
Sound: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Gameplay: Game is very. Play.
(Joe then stopped writing and started staring at his pants, saying “These are out of style as of right….” before finishing 10 minutes later with “now.” and walking out of the room. I dunno where he went after that.)
Jack Thompson Killed by Gamer
Anti-Game Crusader shot to death outside of courthouse
Early yesterday morning, anti-video game protester Jack Thompson was shot to death during a protest against Rockstar Games’ new product, Grand Theft Auto IV. The identity of the shooter has not been confirmed, but witnesses say he was carrying a mouse and keyboard. The man snuck up behind Thompson, pulled the mouse and keyboard out of a trenchcoat, used the mouse to steady his aim, held the ctrl button to crouch, and fired one glowing laser shot. He then screamed “BOOM! HEADSHOT!” and escaped to the top of a building. Thompson’s body twisted a few times, then landed twisted up with his legs touching his back, not unlike a ragdoll. The shooter than made his escape. “He just jumped from one building to another, using his rocket boosters. I mean, I knew all along Jack was right about video games being evil, that’s in the Bible, but I didn’t realize he was this accurate about them turning kids into killing machines,” said Wayne Kalasky, a fellow protester following Thompson. “After he shot him, he fired about 3 of these huge missles into the courthouse, which for some reason didn’t even seem to make a dent in it, then hopped into a World War 2-era fighter plane, which immediately after liftoff he crashed into a wall.” Despite police investigations, no body has been found. “We believe he has reappeared, or, ‘respawned’ in another location,” said Tim Perkins, chief of police. The investigation is ongoing, and details will be posted as they come in.
Could Haggar’s Incumbency be Threatened?
Dean Rexley, a city councilman from Metro City, USA, has announced his candidacy in this year’s Metro City mayoral election, becoming the first to oppose incumbent Mike Haggar since his first term. In an interview with the Metro City Generic Press that has been described variously as “insane” and “suicidal”, Rexley stated his reasons for his campaign against Haggar. “13 terms is simply too many! The only reason Haggar was elected in the first place was his ‘anti-crime initiative’. Yes, I agree that Metro City had a crime problem at the time, but Haggar took it too far. In response to requests for increased police funding, Haggar simply walked down the street killing everyone in sight, viciously beating them with lead pipes and piledriving them into the concrete, headfirst. All of this culminated in Haggar dropkicking handicapped businessman Horace Belger out of his wheelchair and through a plate glass window to a deadly 11-story drop. I mean, the man eats barbeque he finds in oil drums! Do we really want someone like this running our town?” Upon hearing this, Haggar, who had been standing at the door waiting to be interviewed, shattered the door to splinters with his trademark Spinning Lariat, threw a knife into Rexley’s face, then suplexed him four times. Witnesses report Rexley then flashed 3 times and disappeared.
(This blogger endorses Mike Haggar for Metro City Mayor.)
