What follows is a transcript of the remarks and thoughts of the first Americans to play Super Mario Bros., George Brenner and Joseph Redding, in late 1985. Their comments helped justify Nintendo’s decision to bring the NES to America the next year.
Takashi Nozawa, Nintendo VP of Marketing: We are pleased that you have decided to test our product to see if it is correct for the American market. We understand that the market for video game products has crashed in the United States, but we would like to assure you that our Family Computer is perfect for the American consumer.
George Brenner, Investment Manager, Sears: Well, keep in mind we were the ones who chose to sell the Atari 2600 through our department stores. I don’t think anything could top the demonstration they gave us. Between Star Ship and Race, I felt like I was living in a futuristic wonderworld. I couldn’t sleep for 15 whole days after I played it.
Joseph Redding, Investment Manager, Sears: I literally shit my pants when I saw Math. Literally. I was both amazed at the incredible technology in front of me and terrified to think that it could lead to me spending my golden years being hunted down in old age by a squad of impossibly intelligent SuperBabies raised by their Atari 2600 overlords to enslave mankind.
Takashi: Haha, yes, well, hopefully you will not have the same concerns with our products. *puts copy of Donkey Kong Jr. Math in garbage can* Perhaps you would like to try our flagship game, Super Mario Brothers?
George: Sure. What do you play as? Tanks, spaceships, or dots?
Takashi: Actually you play as a little man named Mario.
Joseph: That would be dots, then.
Takashi: Actually, no. He is a plumber with a mustache from Brooklyn.
George: Oh, I know. I saw the instruction manual. I meant what do you play as in the game.
Takashi: As did I.
George: HA! You’re good people, mister. But you and I know I’m not gonna be able to tell a person AND a mustache AND a hat apart on a character in a home video game.
George: Sweet fucking Jesus.
Joseph: Oh my god.
George: Look at all of those colors. There are… there are like 10 colors on the screen right now.
Joseph: That’s… that’s not possible. THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
George: Joseph, CALM THE FUCK DOWN. There’s no way everything can be this impressive. Holy… look at how fluid that movement is. I can’t… how are you doing this?
Takashi: I take it that you are impressed.
Joseph: Takashi, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest. Are you a witch?
Takashi: Hahaha, of course I am not. The solution is more simple that that. We at Nintendo have worked very hard on the hardware architecture of our Family Computer, or Famicom, as we call it. The efficient design allows the system to have a considerable amount of power while still being easy to program for, which allows us to create a large library of games both through our own research and development teams and through our third party designers.
George: Third party desig- WHOA JUMPING INTO THAT FUCKING BOX JUST MADE IT POP OUT A COIN OR SOMETHING. Third party designers? Atari had problems with them. It’s not fair that someone can just come along and make a piece of software for your hardware. They should make their own hardware if they want to release software.
Takashi: Well, that is where we hope to succeed where Atari failed. We have licensed out the rights to our hardware technology in order to be able to profit from third party software while still enjoying the expanded software library that results from having several developers.
Joseph: That’s retarded. It only takes a week, or two at the most, for a guy to design a game, you should just hire their developers and have them crank a few out every month. Then you get 100% profits.
George: What are these green things?
Takashi: Ah, those are pipes. Mario can travel down them. Try jumping on top of that one, then press down.
George: Ok… I guess I can…
George: SHITTING FUCKS.
Joseph: NGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *jumps out window*
George: JESUS CHRIST JOSEPH! OH GOD WE’RE ON THE 85TH FLOOR!
Takashi: I’ll call the emergency services! We’ve got to get down there to help him!
George: Ok, sure, but right now my first priority is making sure we finish this deal.
Takashi: But.. your friend! If we hurry we might be able to help him!
George: If I leave this room for even a second someone else could just waltz right the fuck in here and buy this. No way am I going to take that chance.
Takashi: Fine, fine, what can you offer us?
George: If you allow us to sell this game in our stores I will give you the information for the company bank account. You can take out whatever money you want whenever you want.
Takashi: Are.. are you sure? It seems like you would at least need to contact your home office to authorize a deal of that magnitude.
George: To hell with the home office. I WILL NOT MISS OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY.
Takashi: Fine, fine, we accept, now we have to go help your friend!
George: You have to promise me, PROMISE ME, that NO ONE ELSE will sell this product.
Takashi: Mr. Brenner, I must insist we help your friend!
George: PROMISE ME!
Takashi: We will attend to it when we get back! We must go now! *runs out door*
The tape ends here. However, the rest of that day is forever known to history. Joseph Redding died after plummeting 85 stories to his death,having been unable to accept the tremendous increase of technology between the Atari 2600 and the NES. Takashi Nozawa got an enormous bonus for the tremendous amount of income the Sears deal resulted in for Nintendo. He bought his own series of islands and retired at 26. The NES went on to become one of the most successful and beloved video game systems of all time. And George Brenner? Although successful for brokering the deal with Nintendo, Brenner unfortunately became more well-known on December 12th, 1985. On that frosty December morn, 87 men, women, and children were killed when Brenner lost his mind in a K-Mart Department store upon seeing that, despite the contract he thought he signed, the NES was available for sale at stores other than Sears.
No Doubt is suing Activision.
And the reason is hilarious.
I know I just posted like an hour ago saying I’m on hiatus, but as usual, by the time I actually post a hiatus message I end up being almost immediately ready to break it. That may not be the case here, but this bit of news is just too funny to pass up.
No Doubt is suing Activision for using their likeness in Band Hero. Of course, No Doubt signed off on that, but what they didn’t sign off on (or maybe they did, the actual details of the contract are totally irrelevant to me) was being allowed to be portrayed playing not just their own songs, but any of the 62 songs in the game. Not a single thing I can imagine would be funnier than seeing Gwen Stefani singing The Impression That I Get or Every Rose Has It’s Thorn. Assuming, of course, that they have the original husky-voiced singers performing the song and not, like, a girl or something. On one hand, I pray every night before I go to bed that something will happen that makes Bobby Kotick lose all his money and spend his last days destitute, sucking AIDS-infected dick for heroin, before a bunch of drunken frat boys finally light him on fire just to watch him burn, so the idea of him losing a lawsuit makes me happy. But on the other hand, No Doubt’s last few albums have really really sucked, and Gwen Stefani deserves something bad happening to her for the sonic abortion she calls a solo career, so I guess regardless of who wins, it’ll be a happy day for me.
Anyway, back to hiatus.
Mario Soda.
Ok, I have a weird question for you fuckers. Do you remember this?
I’ve always been fascinated with video game related merchandise that doesn’t directly have any kind of artistic merit. That sounds weird, but it’s just the way it’s phrased. I just can’t think of a better way to do so. But you know what I mean, not books or games or movies, but the oddball stuff like food or sticker books or shoes, the crazy shit that new fads inevitably result in. Although these sodas came out in my lifetime, I didn’t remember them at all until I saw that picture above. Now, there’s a lingering taste that I can’t quite remember but which seems so familiar. I think it was the Yoshi Apple flavor. Does anybody else remember these?
New Street Fighter IV Addon, Maybe, I Don’t Know
Go watch this.
Are you done?
Ok, what the hell was it? It’s obviously something Street Fighter IV related. Hell, the URL even says “newwarrior” in it. What could this mean? Probably this:
Yeahhhhh… that seems about right to me. These screens aren’t official, apparently, but they were handed down to some French site (don’t bother clicking that link today, the full weight of the gaming press has crushed it), and they look pretty real to me. Not sure about the first chick (apparently named Juri, who, despite what some press outlets think, is a new fighter and not a returning character), because there aren’t any details yet, but that’s damn sure some T. Hawk up there. Finally, just what the game needed: a slow, muscular, grossly overpowered behemoth.
On Pods, and the Casting Thereof
As I have been in the process of announcing for like 8 months, I am working on a podcast. It’s taking forever, mostly due to my tyrannical insistence on working alone when I’m also working alone on like 5 other things. I have solicited the help of several different people recently, however, and as a result, I’m getting much, much closer to what I want done. I hope to have it ready within the next month.
The format for the show will be kinda like the format I have for the site, in that I want it to be a blend of fiction comedy and hard news with a comedic slant. A portion of the show will be for discussion of headlines and news, and a portion will be prerecorded comedy bits and such.
Of course, we’ll open up with a panel discussion on various news headlines, just like every other video game podcast. However, I’m hoping mine will be distinct in that my friends and I don’t tend to share the same opinions as everyone else in video game journalism. I’m sure that’s what everyone else says, though, so who knows.
Mike Haggar, pictured heading to his neighbor's house to settle a noise dispute
Mike Haggar, as you all no doubt know, is the main character of the Final Fight series. I’ve asked Haggar to do a report on recent games of interest, and he’s agreed to help me as long as I get him a case of beer each show. He got kicked out of his favorite bar for his constant drunken violence. Not that anyone tells Haggar where he’s allowed to go. It just happens that he did a spinning lariat and wound up demolishing most of the bar, so there isn’t much for him to go back to.
I’ve also been working on a music segment. Pretty much all I listen to anymore is video game music, and there’s a lot about it I find particularly interesting. I also like to heavily analyze music, as does my friend Kady. So, we’re teaming up to analyze the hell out of the beeps and whistles you all ignore while you’re playing games.
Outside of these, the segments will be revolving. They’ll mostly be scripted comedy, though, with perhaps a few improv parts.
So that’s most of it. Does this sound good? Any suggestions?
Capcom Babies. For the first time, I am jealous of infants.
Oh my Jesus.
Look at these.
I am going to go produce 1 baby and dress it in nothing but these onesies until they will no longer fit.
Unfortunately these don’t seem to be for sale. Tragic. I had almost talked the wife into the whole pregnancy thing.
Le Twittre
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have succumbed to the pressures of this modern world and have created a Twitter account for this website.
www.twitter.com/catchynamenews
Feel free to track, or follow, as the jargon goes, updates made on the site from there. Additionally, I’m going to try to post something daily, because I have a lot of energy and nowhere to put it currently. Well… I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.
That is all.
Thank You Sega.
NOTE: I don’t really have anything funny to say here, and my writing is all over the place because I’m incredibly stressed and running on a mere hour of sleep. I’ll probably end up waking up tomorrow and deleting this post because it’s terrible, so make sure to read it while you can.
Sega just announced (and by “just” I mean a week ago) that they’re releasing a new Sonic game which, god willing, will actually be a Sonic game, rather than a furry-pandering circle-jerk. It’s 2D, HD, and fast… kind of like this was a year and a half ago. Nonetheless, I am totally hot for the idea of a new well-made 2D Sonic game. Honestly, I’m just as hot for the idea of a well-made 3D Sonic game, like the original Sonic Adventure; it’s just that in 10 years Sega has repeatedly proved themselves completely unable to deliver on that front. Hell, even Sonic Adventure 2 wasn’t very good (mainly because it was Tails and Knuckles Shitty, Stupid Adventure, and not really Sonic Adventure).
But, hopefully, all that is about to change. Sega has finally, FINALLY admitted that the Sonic games have basically been shitty lately.
I’d like to take a second to note that I feel bad about linking to Destructoid. I hate them so much, mostly due to their ridiculous tendency to make ultimate, total, and obviously incorrect statements. For example, in this article when they state that Sonic’s credibility is finished, which will likely be fixed by this game, and also in this article when they state that “the destruction of Sonic’s legacy is currently making them money, and why would they stop that?” The answer to that question is because it fucking isn’t making them money, and that attempting to cash in on the 2D games is the only way they’re making money. God I fucking hate Destructoid for that exact reason. They’re the Fox News of gaming journalism. Ugh. My writing is terrible today. Random tirade over.
So, with this admission, not only is Sega admitting that the major underlying problem with the new Sonic games is that they suck, they’re also completely caving to my worldview, namely that older games are infinitely better the newer games. Hopefully other industries will follow, and we’ll start seeing Surge and Pop Quiz Popcorn hit the stores again.
So, I guess that’s all I really had to say. Thank you, Sega, for recognizing and admitting this terrible problem you have. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery. Don’t worry about coming to the party I was throwing for you. It was just an intervention.
Earthbound Strategy Guide!
I can’t really flesh it out into a real post (although I’m trying to figure out a way to), but I just wanted to let you fuckers know:
I just picked up a mint condition copy of the Earthbound strategy guide, INCLUDING the scratch n’ sniff cards…
for FIVE DOLLARS.
I already own the game, and a slightly messed up copy of the guide, but this is a very, very rare find. If this tells you anything, the guide, in MODERATE condition and without the cards, can go for up to a hundred dollars. I’ve never actually seen a copy that still had the cards in the back, so I don’t know how much they increase the price by.
I may review it later, just because I enjoy looking at it. In the meantime, I’m just gonna look at it.
Red Faction: Guerilla – My Sick New Addiction
There’s really not a whole lot to say about it, but the demo for Red Faction: Guerilla dropped a few days ago on the 360 Marketplace, and I’ve played it over and over and over since then. It’s absolutely remarkable how fun it is to destroy a building wholesale with nothing but a sledgehammer. There’s something primally appealing about driving a truck through a building, then detonating a remote mine and causing the entire thing to collapse. I fear that I will one day be able to purchase this game, as I don’t know that I would ever recover from a month-long binge of it.
Volition is one of my favorite current developers, and this game demostrates exactly why. Overall, a lot of elements of the game aren’t particularly strong, for example the driving mechanics, and the gunplay, but, as with Saints Row 2 and it’s equally satisfying grab-and-toss mechanic, the world’s first game with ACTUAL fully destructible environments manages to transfix me in a way that few games of this generation do. Again, like with Saints Row 2, I don’t think the game is good, in the way of your Bioshocks or your Half-Lifes, but it is incredibly fun, and as strongly as I believe in video games as an art form, I think there’s definitely a place for games like this. Expect to hear more from me when I get an opportunity to play the full version.
