Personal Correspondence from Street Fighters.
“Dear Guile:
I see you sitting in the corner there. I know what you’re planning to do. You’re planning to do a flash kick, aren’t you? It’s pretty obvious. I mean, you only have two moves. You might as well come over here and try that cheap-ass double sweep kick, because I’m not stupid enough to walk right into a flash kick. That shit hurts. Hell, look at me; I’m sitting here writing you a letter. I’ve got time. I don’t have a fireball or anything, so I can’t hit you from afar. All I can do is sit here and wait. I’ve got to wait. Dammit I can’t wait anymore. I’m going over there. And I -
FUCK!
Goddamn you Guile. Goddamn you and your fucking flash kick.
Signed,
E. Honda”
“Dear Dead or Alive characters:
Your fighting game fucking sucks. It’s not even fighting. It’s fucking defending and then reversing attacks. Please make more beach volleyball games. We likey cleavage.
Signed,
The Street Fighter Gang”
“Dear Haggar,
Why aren’t you getting in on this? It’s legal ass-busting. Seriously! I beat the crap out of some Chinese chick and they didn’t even call the police! And that’s a good thing, because I’m still dressed in a striped convict outfit with shackles on my hands and feet. Come down here and kick some ass with me!
Your pal,
Cody”
“Vega, buddy. Seriously. At first when we started teasing you and saying you were gay, it was a joke. But we took note of how offended you were and stopped. You said you weren’t, and that was good enough for us. But then more and more evidence kept coming up. Now we found this picture of you on a men’s dating board:
I know you’re probably going through a lot of things. It’s really stressful to hide stuff like that. But you can talk to us. This is a safe place, and you’re with friends. We won’t judge you. We didn’t judge Blanka. Just be honest with yourself, and you can be honest with us.
Love (the hetero kind, not, you know, gay)
Your friends at Shadaloo
P.S.: Zangief thinks you’re cute.”
“Cammy:
We here at Sears understand your participation in the World Warrior tournament is a point of great pride for you. It is for us too; that’s why we decided to sponsor you. However, we feel that the requirement that you wear more than your fighting uniform to meet and greets and other Sears-sponsored events was implicit in your endorsement agreement. We feel that the remarkably skimpy outfit you wore to our Sears KidsNOW! event goes beyond the limits of good taste into the territory of potential legal action by the parents of the children who attended. We would appreciate it if you used more common sense in the future.
Signed,
Jim Varina
Sears PR Manager”
“Ryu:
…
- Akuma”
“To All My Fellow Street Fighters:
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
HADOUKEN!
SHORYUKEN!
- Love, Ken”
Letters to the Mayor from Irate Citizens of Simcity.
Mr. Mayor,
I’m writing to you about a problem that I feel is very serious in Simcity. Why are there so many plane crashes? It seems I cannot go a single day without my work commute cut off by the burning wreckage of a 747. I have lived in several towns, including Metro City, Willamette, Silent Hill, and Tampa Bay, and while all these towns had their problems (particularly Tampa Bay), none of them, or any other town I’ve even heard of, has had a problem with frequent plane crashes. Perhaps most disturbing is the fact that these plane crashes began literally the same day you took office, and only seem to stop when you go out of town. I am especially concerned about this issue because Simcity doesn’t even have an airport. I fear to question a man who seems to be able to pull airplanes from the sky, but what connection, if any, do you have to these crashes? Are you Jacob? Am I a candidate?
Sincerely,
42 - Fischer
Mayor,
I would like to address the current state of our transit system. Namely, that the roads in our town cause a 6% increase in the level of pollution. I would like you to completely dismantle the road system in our town and replace it with railroads. As you have complied with my previous requests to build 6 nuclear reactors to fit the energy needs of our 20,000 citizens and to cover every last area of earth in our city’s zoning area with park ground, I feel assured you will respond to this request in kind.
Thank you,
Brian Davis
Dear Mayor… ???,
I didn’t vote for you. In fact, although I like your parks intitative, and therefore would have loved to have voted for you, I didn’t see your name on the ballot. Or on any campaign advertisements. Or even on the city register. I can’t seem to find any proof of exactly who you are, and everyone just seems to call you “mayor.” Why do you not have a name?
Signed,
James Phillips
To: Mayor
From: Advisor
Re: Suggestions
This city needs a massive overhaul of its power industry. Please replace the old coal plants with nuclear reactors.
Crime and fires are too rampant in this city. Please increase police and firefighting budgets by at least 600%.
Simcity could also use a new stadium. The 2 we have are nice, but you know.
We could also use a brand new international airport. Also, a massive new seaport.
The city only has 4 amusement parks. Please build more.
We should build a massive, gleaming, solid gold statue of Mario, from the popular Super Mario Bros. video game.
Also, many citizens are not happy about the level of taxes in this city.
Let me know when these problems are solved.
Thank you,
Dr. Wright
Dear Mayor Dong Wrangler,
This is Mike Haggar, and I’m pretty fucking pissed. I’m the mayor of Metro City. I know you know that, because I saw your note referring to me as “Mayor Faggar.” Do you know who the last person that called me that was? It was state senator Todd Burkett. Oh, you’ve never heard of him? That’s probably because I convinced my friends in the probate court to put out an order changing his name to “Baron Fagcock von SerialRapist.” His wife left him, he lost his re-election campaign, he couldn’t get hired anywhere, and now he sits under the bridge on the interstate drinking varnish. Oh, wait, one of my aides just let me know that he jumped off a building. Serves him right.
So I heard you have problems with giant lizards attacking your town! You better hope one of them takes out your fucking house, because so help me god, if I find out where you live, I’m going to eat you, shit you into every toilet in your house, and then light the septic tank on fire.
Your pal,
Mike Haggar
Mr Dracula:
Although we appreciate your business, we think your timeline for the construction of your castle may be difficult to meet. I understand, as you said, that “Belmont will rise against (you) soon” and of course that’s something we want you to be ready for. However, the building you have asked us to build is a 3 mile tall castle with hundreds of rooms. Additionally, you have chosen a difficult site to work at. The tiny peak of a tall hill is a hard place to build such amassive structure. Also, my employees are concerned about the constant thunderstorms and swarms of bats. Thank you for reading this and I hope we can work to reach an understanding.
Thank you,
James Phillips,
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr. Dracula:
Again I feel I need to write you to inform you of some problems. While working on constructing the first floor of your castle, some of my employees were attacked by a flying creature. While bat attacks have become par for the course on this project, the creature that attack my men was something different. Specifically, it appeared to be the floating head of the mythical gorgon, Medusa. This head chased my men, teeth gnashing, until it chased one of them clear off a cliff. As we are a small company, any losses of employees are unacceptable. We would appreciate it if this matter was your highest priority.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr. Dracula:
I would like to thank you for coming to the funeral services of our lost mason, Chris Belmont. His family appreciates your willingness to attend. However, they asked me to pass along a concern they have. Ever since the funeral, their son, Brian Belmont, appears to have gone missing. They’ve requested that I ask you if you knew his whereabouts, as everyone at the funeral agrees you were the last to see him. We understand that you have a long-standing feud with a Belmont family of Transylvania, but I would like to personally assure you that family has nothing to do with my former employee’s family. If you have any information, please pass it along to the Belmonts.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr Dracula,
As I assured you when we initially wrote out our contract, my company is a Christian owned-and-operated company. As such, we take issue with a few of the designs you’ve requested. We feel somewhat personally offended that your have asked us to put upside-down crosses on everything in the castle. Also, we do not feel comfortable building what appears to be the Satanic confessional on the upper level. Your note on the building plans says “Evil confessional – ghost priest will impale victims.” We feel that this is inappropriate for our company to build. As a working professional, I will recommend an alternative company to complete this area for you.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Mr. Dracula:
I fear I must inform you this will be our last correspondence. The remainder of my employees have been killed. By skeletons. I do not know how skeletons came to populate your mostly-finished castle. However, the presence of said skeletons, as well as the ghosts, zombies, giant, empty, axe-wielding suits of armor, murderous, living furniture, and what appears to be the Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub, hanging from a hook, present an OSHA-classified work hazard, and as such, we will be unable to complete work on the upside-down “inverted” castle you asked us to balance delicately on top of the existing castle. However, most of the work that needs to be done is finished. I hope this will not be too much of an inconvenience. However, as I fear for my life even as I write this due to the possibility of ravenous flea-men, I fear I do not have any other options.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Forem–
(the rest of the letter is smeared with blood and ectoplasm.)
A Letter to Dr. Wily from His Outsourced Robot Manufacturing Plant
Dear Dr. Wily,
We regret to inform you that we have been unable to complete your last order. We have had to cease production of your robots, and we have several questions which need to be addressed before we can resume production.
Our first question: why must all of your robots be sentient? Because of the order of construction followed as per your directions in our manufacturing process, your robots are built beginning with what we will call, for lack of a better word, the “brain”, which is then placed inside a rudimentary “skull”. This creates a terrifying entrapment in which the robot is cognizant of its own existence, as well as all the information, memories, and feelings you have implanted them with, but unable to communicate or even move. This horrible living hell they become trapped in only gets worse after the robot receives its internal “skeleton” body. The robot has to feel the sensation of being bolted to a sheet of metal, repeatedly electrified, and having 5000 degree molten steel poured over their bodies. This industrialized torture process creates robots that are mentally unstable and ready to kill everything they see (as soon as their vision sensors are cruelly and slowly screwed into their skulls).
This brings us to our next concern: your robots, which you say are for various industrial purposes, are, in effect, dangerous lunatics which likely would be mentally incapable of focusing enough to cut lumber or power electric generators without finding a way to kill hundreds, if not thousands of people in the process. Upon the completion of one of your prototypes, code named “BRIGHT MAN”, our manufacturing professionals found themselves running to shield their eyes from the flashes of incredibly intense light the robot generated. Several of our employees were completely and permanently blinded, and in their confused, blind stupor, many of them wandered into machinery and were brutally killed. One fell into a vat of molten steel, another was bolted into a sheet of metal, and one, who was actually driving a forklift and the time, went on an accidental killing rampage, hydraulically crushing and impaling many people. As plant manager, the screams of my employees, many of whom were my friends, will haunt me every night for the rest of my life.
Another issue which we have run into is the procurement of supplies needed to construct your robots. As I stated before, you have told us that your robots are used for industrial purposes. However, I can’t think of what constructive purpose a robot like “KNIGHT MAN” or “GRENADE MAN” could have. As you may be aware, military munitions are difficult for us to obtain as a civilian factory, to say nothing of the difficulty in finding thousands of medieval flails. Especially when one considers that you demanded a low price for the contract (which you promised was a test agreement for a series of lucrative government contracts), this agreement does not seem particularly cost effective for us after the semi-legal procurement of these various components.
This brings us to our last concern. After the construction of these robots, you have asked that we ship them to a variety of locations (and, curiously, place them in empty garages to “await Mega Man”, a mysterious instruction we don’t fully understand). We have several international clients, and ordinarily this isn’t a problem. However, the variety of shipment locations you have requested are remarkably difficult to ship to. I’m not sure if you are aware of the costs involved with shipping hundreds of thousands of tons of sentient robot killers armed with nuclear reactors and explosive munitions to incredibly remote locations, but suffice to say that they are prohibitive, to say the least. FedEx and UPS have also both filed several Patriot Act investigation requests against our company, which has been both a PR disaster and a legal entanglement which our employees and management, to say nothing of the company itself, may be unable survive. At least 7 of our employees have been relocated to internment camps, never to be seen again. What was left of our plant’s senior foreman was returned to our main office in a manila envelope.
Again, Dr. Wily, while we value your business, we feel that these difficulties must be overcome to ensure our working relationship can continue. We hope you feel the same way.
Signed,
Eric Fischer
Plant Manager, Prototech Industries
P.S. We appreciate your attendance at our last stockholder meeting! However, we were a bit concerned at your constant hand-rubbing and cackling. Many attendees felt your behavior was “curious” at best and “scheming and evil” at worst. Please refrain from such behavior at future events.
Tweets From the Lead Characters from Contra.
@ScorpiLance: we just landed in some river in galuga. can’t wait to kill ppl!
@MadDogBill: @Scorpilance dude i’m right beside you and tweeting you lol but lets kill those dudes
@ScorpiLance: @MadDogBill lol ok. i bet i can kill more ppl than you!
@MadDogBill: fuck yeah spread gun!!! time to get to some genocide!!
@ScorpiLance: #itsannoyingwhen someone shoots you to death when you just got a flamethrower
@MadDogBill: @sbelmontvampirehunter sorry i cant make your true blood party! ill make it up to you after i exterminate this alien race
@ScorpiLance: just killed a dude before I saw him! mang im dyin for some arbys wonder if galuga has one lol
@ScorpiLance: OMG GALUGA HAS AN ARBYS. IM SAVED
@MadDogBill: I just became mayor of the Galuga Arby’s on FourSquare!
@MadDogBill: mmm curly fries and a big montana
@ScorpiLance: @MadDogBill dude that meat slicer has a glowing spot on it!
@MadDogBill: @ScorpiLance fuck! lets shoot it quick!
@ScorpiLance: guys DO NOT visit restaurants in other countries. this meat slicer turned into a fucking 200 foot tall wall of guns with a glowing spot!
@MadDogBill: RT @ScorpiLance guys DO NOT visit restaurants in other countries. this meat slicer turned into a fucking 200 foot tall wall of guns with…
@ScorpiLance: Hell yeah we beat the first boss! time to move on!
@MadDogBill: @ScorpiLance Dude move away from me. When you look at us in profile standing next to each other our pants turn purple lol
@ScorpiLance: @MadDogBill lol sorry dude. if it wasn’t for our pants youd never be able to tell us apart.
@MadDogBill: #FF Konami tweeps! @solidsnake1987 @officialvicviper @TMNTRaph @KonamiManSecret
@ScorpiLance: fuck you bill you stole my last life! now when we die we’re both dead!
@MadDogBill: oh fuck we’re not even done with the second area of our assault yet!
These were the last known transmissions of the brave Contra team. At least, until they started their valiant mission over again with the Konami code. Then it was a breeze.
