5 Oddly Sexual Pieces of Mario Merchandise.
I feel like I owe you guys something feature length. All my posts recently have been 150-word little cop-outs. I also don’t think they’ve been as “funny” as they have “vitriolic”, so hopefully this will make up for all that. Here goes.
As we all know, Mario is now more recognizable to children worldwide than Mickey Mouse is. The most likely cause for this is that Mario is far superior in every way to Mickey Mouse. Regardless, with great popularity comes a shitstorm of merchandise, and Mario is no exception. The one strange thing about Mario, however, is how much of his merchandise seems to be oddly sexualized. Check out these kinky items:
Mario Party 7 Tissue Box
I’m really not comfortable with the idea of Mario masturbating, and if it wasn’t for this tissue box, I’d never have thought about it. Now, the idea of a Mario tissue box is fine; there’s nothing wrong with dispensing tissues, and it doesn’t make my mind immediately jump to jerking off. But look at that pose Mario is in. It just screams “Ahhhh, yeah. I got an hour to myself, I got my mushrooms, I got my tissues… time for Mario to… grow.” *Shudder*
Super Mario Bros. 2 “Bow-Biters”
I will admit that there’s really nothing particularly sexual about these unless you’re in a certain mindset; namely, that of a 13-year-old boy. However, if you’re in that mindset, there are at least 100 different disgusting things you can think of relating to the position Messrs. Mario and Luigi are in there. I have too much class to bring myself down to that level (which is why my site has a tag called “undulating titties”), but I’m sure your imaginations can fill in the rest.
The Mario “Keep Jumpin’” Pen
Ok, this goes beyond misinterpreting something with an oversexualized mind. This isn’t something that is up to your imagination or anything. This is Mario with a pen shoved straight up his ass. To get the pen nib to come out, you shove the end farther up his ass, and to make it go back in you release it a bit. There’s no way around it; this is thing is perverse.
Mario DS Holder
This is poseable, so it may not always look this gross, but so help me god, this promo picture makes it look like Mario is totally ready to give a handjob to whoever wants it. I don’t know exactly what a Nintendo DS holder is for, or why you would need a big action figure to hold it, so I guess I’m trying to invent a use for it, but jesus.
Fuuuuuuck that’s creepy. Mario is waaaaay too excited in that 3rd panel. He looks like he’s about to go to town on that poor little boy. Now, the princess’s panels, on the other hand… that’s the first thing in this article that I can totally get behind. Still, you have to wonder if she’s not inadvertently moving that kid’s biological clock up to puberty a little too fast. He looks like he’s about 6 or 7. On the track he’s getting put on here, he’s gonna end up dropping out of school at 15 to take care of his 10 kids and screeching white trash wife. He’s going to work at a McDonalds until he dies in a 4-wheeler accident at 34. Thanks a lot Princess. You just ruined that kid’s life, you slut.
The biggest question I have about this ad, though, is where in the hell did it originate? It’s a Revlon product, and it’s in English, but the English is really, really bad. “Beautiful bubble DOS”? The operating system? What the hell is that supposed to mean? “Good clean bubbles”? Well, that’s good to know it’s not full of filthy tar bubbles like that fucking Sonic the Hedgehog shampoo I was considering. However, I give them credit for “We smell so fruity fresh!”. That’s a great quote. I want a t-shirt that says that. Hell, I may make it this site’s new slogan. “Catchy Name News: We Smell So Fruity Fresh!” Hell yeah. That’s a gooooood slogan.
Earthworm Jim HD for XBLA: Fuck Yeah
As you may be aware, Earthworm Jim fucking rules. Although this is a truth that is always timely, it has become even more so recently, because a badass remake is being produced for XBLA by Gameloft. That’s right, THE Gameloft. The ones responsible for major hits like Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest and Grey’s Anatomy: The Mobile Game! However, despite the fact that they cranked out a lot of unmistakable shit, they were also responsible for the pretty-great XBLA releases Prince of Persia Classic and Uno, so hopefully it won’t be too bad. Not many details have been released, but I can say this definitively: it’s pretty. Look at this:
The character and background models look fantastic, so I’m willing to ignore the poor redesign and shading used on the stick and the ground. Hopefully that’ll be cleaned up before it’s released, although I’m pretty sure it won’t be. Who the fuck cares, I’m going to buy it regardless of its sticks.
The only problem I have with this release is that I was not personally informed. I bought all the action figures, for Christ’s sake. It’s the least they could do.
Mario Soda.
Ok, I have a weird question for you fuckers. Do you remember this?
I’ve always been fascinated with video game related merchandise that doesn’t directly have any kind of artistic merit. That sounds weird, but it’s just the way it’s phrased. I just can’t think of a better way to do so. But you know what I mean, not books or games or movies, but the oddball stuff like food or sticker books or shoes, the crazy shit that new fads inevitably result in. Although these sodas came out in my lifetime, I didn’t remember them at all until I saw that picture above. Now, there’s a lingering taste that I can’t quite remember but which seems so familiar. I think it was the Yoshi Apple flavor. Does anybody else remember these?
New Street Fighter IV Addon, Maybe, I Don’t Know
Go watch this.
Are you done?
Ok, what the hell was it? It’s obviously something Street Fighter IV related. Hell, the URL even says “newwarrior” in it. What could this mean? Probably this:
Yeahhhhh… that seems about right to me. These screens aren’t official, apparently, but they were handed down to some French site (don’t bother clicking that link today, the full weight of the gaming press has crushed it), and they look pretty real to me. Not sure about the first chick (apparently named Juri, who, despite what some press outlets think, is a new fighter and not a returning character), because there aren’t any details yet, but that’s damn sure some T. Hawk up there. Finally, just what the game needed: a slow, muscular, grossly overpowered behemoth.
On Pods, and the Casting Thereof
As I have been in the process of announcing for like 8 months, I am working on a podcast. It’s taking forever, mostly due to my tyrannical insistence on working alone when I’m also working alone on like 5 other things. I have solicited the help of several different people recently, however, and as a result, I’m getting much, much closer to what I want done. I hope to have it ready within the next month.
The format for the show will be kinda like the format I have for the site, in that I want it to be a blend of fiction comedy and hard news with a comedic slant. A portion of the show will be for discussion of headlines and news, and a portion will be prerecorded comedy bits and such.
Of course, we’ll open up with a panel discussion on various news headlines, just like every other video game podcast. However, I’m hoping mine will be distinct in that my friends and I don’t tend to share the same opinions as everyone else in video game journalism. I’m sure that’s what everyone else says, though, so who knows.
Mike Haggar, pictured heading to his neighbor's house to settle a noise dispute
Mike Haggar, as you all no doubt know, is the main character of the Final Fight series. I’ve asked Haggar to do a report on recent games of interest, and he’s agreed to help me as long as I get him a case of beer each show. He got kicked out of his favorite bar for his constant drunken violence. Not that anyone tells Haggar where he’s allowed to go. It just happens that he did a spinning lariat and wound up demolishing most of the bar, so there isn’t much for him to go back to.
I’ve also been working on a music segment. Pretty much all I listen to anymore is video game music, and there’s a lot about it I find particularly interesting. I also like to heavily analyze music, as does my friend Kady. So, we’re teaming up to analyze the hell out of the beeps and whistles you all ignore while you’re playing games.
Outside of these, the segments will be revolving. They’ll mostly be scripted comedy, though, with perhaps a few improv parts.
So that’s most of it. Does this sound good? Any suggestions?
Jack Tretton: PS3 Shortage is Possible – Me: No It Isn’t
Jack Tretton said today that there may be a shortage of PS3s this Christmas. You know, just like how it was “impossible” to find a PS3 in 2007.
Fucking give it up Jack. Maybe if every single thing you said wasn’t a blatant and intentional lie intended to trick people into thinking that the PS3 is doing well I would believe you.
I feel like I should note that my hatred of the PS3 is not in any way influenced by a predisposition toward the Wii or Xbox 360; indeed, I really really wish the PS3 would start succeeding. In fact, I don’t even really think it’s hatred of the PS3, because there are plenty of things I like about the system itself. It’s really more hatred of Sony and all their PR bullshit and constant, nonstop lies. I’m also extremely frustrated that so many PS3 fans live in a complete fantasy world where they manufacture triumphs for the system entirely in their heads and slavishly support exclusives regardless of the quality of the games simply because they don’t have anything else to be excited about. Other systems have been miserable failures, but only Sony has insisted continually that their miserable failure is successful and great. Nearly every new feature or exclusive has been awful (see: Home, Heavenly Sword, Qore, Killzone, Resistance, Haze, inFamous, Lair), and it’s depressing, because people just continue to eat them up and insist they’re good simply because they feel like they have to be good. The PS3 has seen it’s share of brilliance too, especially LittleBigPlanet, MGS4, Eye of Judgement, and Uncharted, but it’s hard to justify paying for an entire console for so few good exclusives, however great they may be.
Hopefully, someone at Sony will come to their senses and just execute Jack Tretton in front of an audience of people. Maybe then I’ll consider buying a PS3.
Wall Street Journal Attempts Video Game News, Predictably Fails
From yesterday’s Wall Street Journal:
“Take-Two has a number of strong franchises and a number of wholly owned Internet Protocols. Wholly owned IPs not only carry higher profitability, but also are more valuable to media companies because they could be adapted into movies, TV serials and online destinations.”
The argument can be made that newspapers are dying because illiterate jackasses like our generation only get their news when the TV-box reads it to them, but it doesn’t help that the reporters for one of the biggest and most important papers in the world are so fucking stupid that they can’t even be bothered to double check what a common abbreviation for a business term means (not that they should have to look it up, because they should ALREADY FUCKING KNOW IT). How anyone in a media position could possibly be so out of touch is beyond me, but it may be that people like this don’t play many video games:
The Wall Street Journal's Writing Staff
To be honest, we’re lucky they made the connection between IP and Internet Protocol. A business magazine not knowing what the abbreviation for “intellectual properties” is is stupid to the point of being completely absurd, so the floodgates are open. They literally could have put anything. Chances are just as good that they could have written “Iridescent Paragraphs” or “Intelligent Penises” or “Irritating Penetration” or something. Thank god their other news coverage is so good, otherwise… oh wait.
Capcom is soliciting ideas for a new VS. series game on the almost supernaturally great Capcom Unity blog (the best official blog there is, period). Here are my personal suggestions, along with why they could be great:
The Bible vs. Capcom:
- Extensive roster of characters
- Huge potential for good surprise secret characters, especially “begatted” characters that have no purpose in the Bible, such as Mahalalel and Enosh
- Characters have great superpowers; Ezekiel’s burning wheel would make great Super Combo
Jordan vs. Bird vs. Capcom
- First 3-way matchup in Capcom history
- May draw in new audience of 40-year old sports fans, often neglected by fighting games
- Minigames could include slam dunk contest, 3-point competition, deathmatch
Kramer vs. Capcom
- Could add new dimension of family drama to series
- Opportunity for guest voice by Dustin Hoffman
- Final boss could be screen-filling Meryl Streep with 3 different forms
Charles Dickins vs. Capcom
- Great opportunity for crossover with Jon Talbain of Darkstalkers
- Lots of room to experiment with characters; Artful Dodger could be given super speed, or Pip could use inheritance to build massive robot walker suit
- Plenty of environments, including filthy, freezing streets of Victorian London and… well, that’s about it
Capcom vs. Capcom
- Several established characters from fighting game world and beyond
- Already has great credibility with gamers
- Characters would not need to be redesigned or adapted very much
Earth vs. Capcom
- 195 countries offer huge roster
- Secret characters could include non-sovereign states such as South Ossetia and Transnistria, and former states such as the Ottoman Empire or the Kingdom of Chimor
- Let’s face it, Capcom conquering Earth is inevitable
Of course, the best possible option would probably be Squaresoft vs. Capcom. But that’s probably never going to happen. All of these options seem much more likely. Any other ideas?
It’s Official: I Was Right. Also Official: Alienware Sucks
You may recall that yesterday, I said Alienware’s announcement that would “shake the gaming world to it’s foundation” would be another overpriced computer. Well, guess what.
Alienware just announced a new gaming laptop.
WELL GODDAMN! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! WHO COULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT SOMEDAY A GAMING PC MANUFACTURER WOULD RELEASE A FUCKING GAMING PC? NEVER IN MY MOST FEVERED FUCKING DREAMS WOULD I CONSIDER SUCH AN UNIMAGINABLE FUCKING SCENARIO HAPPENING! THIS SHAKES ME TO MY VERY FOUNDATIONS! I JUST CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! NEVER WILL THE GAMING WORLD BE THE SAME AFTER WITNESSING A SLIGHTLY MORE POWERFUL FUCKING LAPTOP!
Does this piss anyone else off? Am I the only one who thinks that gamers should rise up against the Alienware PR department, tearing them limb from limb like a group of zombies who have finally caught the cheerleader/minority they’ve been chasing for so long? Maybe it’s just me.
Alienware’s PR people like to make asses of themselves. In that vein, they’ve announced this morning that they’re going to make an announcement that will “shake the gaming world to it’s foundation”. Of course, that won’t happen, because it’s just going to be another new computer. I know this because they always do this when they’re releasing a new fucking computer, and every time everybody just forgets that this is the same thing that happened last time. It’s akin to McDonalds announcing a “groundbreaking new hamburger that will stupify the quaking, unworthy masses we’re going to unleash it upon”, then revealing a hamburger with, get this, mayonnaise.
Aside from the extremely likely announcement of their new computer which is slightly faster: to the max, it’s possible they may be announcing something else of no concern, like a new content delivery system or a “gaming netbook” or something, but honestly, I doubt even something that mundane is what they’re referring to.
Additionally, as Joystiq reader rbtroj pointed out, the current page source on the Alienware website contains this:
“meta name=”description” content=”Official Dell Alienware site for new allpowerful gaming laptops and desktops . Sign up to be the first to view these new custom high performance gaming laptops and desktops.”"
Doesn’t necessarily confirm it, but I really wouldn’t be surprised if that was just a new brand name for their overpriced machines.
Fucking Alienware.
Also, my completely off-base theory I’m holding out hope for is that the wording of the announcement was literal, and Alienware is planning to cause the collapse of hundreds of offices for game design and publishing companies, perhaps via some sort of weather machine. I think the ridiculously high prices of the machines could be justified if it turned out that the excess funds were being used to fund mad science.
