Mr Dracula:
Although we appreciate your business, we think your timeline for the construction of your castle may be difficult to meet. I understand, as you said, that “Belmont will rise against (you) soon” and of course that’s something we want you to be ready for. However, the building you have asked us to build is a 3 mile tall castle with hundreds of rooms. Additionally, you have chosen a difficult site to work at. The tiny peak of a tall hill is a hard place to build such amassive structure. Also, my employees are concerned about the constant thunderstorms and swarms of bats. Thank you for reading this and I hope we can work to reach an understanding.
Thank you,
James Phillips,
Foreman
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Mr. Dracula:
Again I feel I need to write you to inform you of some problems. While working on constructing the first floor of your castle, some of my employees were attacked by a flying creature. While bat attacks have become par for the course on this project, the creature that attack my men was something different. Specifically, it appeared to be the floating head of the mythical gorgon, Medusa. This head chased my men, teeth gnashing, until it chased one of them clear off a cliff. As we are a small company, any losses of employees are unacceptable. We would appreciate it if this matter was your highest priority.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
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Mr. Dracula:
I would like to thank you for coming to the funeral services of our lost mason, Chris Belmont. His family appreciates your willingness to attend. However, they asked me to pass along a concern they have. Ever since the funeral, their son, Brian Belmont, appears to have gone missing. They’ve requested that I ask you if you knew his whereabouts, as everyone at the funeral agrees you were the last to see him. We understand that you have a long-standing feud with a Belmont family of Transylvania, but I would like to personally assure you that family has nothing to do with my former employee’s family. If you have any information, please pass it along to the Belmonts.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
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Mr Dracula,
As I assured you when we initially wrote out our contract, my company is a Christian owned-and-operated company. As such, we take issue with a few of the designs you’ve requested. We feel somewhat personally offended that your have asked us to put upside-down crosses on everything in the castle. Also, we do not feel comfortable building what appears to be the Satanic confessional on the upper level. Your note on the building plans says “Evil confessional – ghost priest will impale victims.” We feel that this is inappropriate for our company to build. As a working professional, I will recommend an alternative company to complete this area for you.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Foreman
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Mr. Dracula:
I fear I must inform you this will be our last correspondence. The remainder of my employees have been killed. By skeletons. I do not know how skeletons came to populate your mostly-finished castle. However, the presence of said skeletons, as well as the ghosts, zombies, giant, empty, axe-wielding suits of armor, murderous, living furniture, and what appears to be the Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub, hanging from a hook, present an OSHA-classified work hazard, and as such, we will be unable to complete work on the upside-down “inverted” castle you asked us to balance delicately on top of the existing castle. However, most of the work that needs to be done is finished. I hope this will not be too much of an inconvenience. However, as I fear for my life even as I write this due to the possibility of ravenous flea-men, I fear I do not have any other options.
Thank you,
James Phillips
Forem–
(the rest of the letter is smeared with blood and ectoplasm.)
The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 3
Well, the first part of this article seemed to go over quite well with all three people who read the site, so here’s part 2.
8: Death (Castlevania)
Everybody knows how much of a cock Death is. He hides in the shadows, always waiting for us. He took John Ritter from us one cold September morn. He wears a gay cloak that thousands of goth kids try to imitate. It should just be obvious that he’s an asshole as a boss, too.
And he is. Oh god, is he ever. His attacks vary from game to game, but he always makes sure to cause floating scythes to materialize and hit you ALL OVER THE GODDAMN SCREEN. These later become heat-seeking floating scythes. I mean, I get it. He’s Death. Great! Does he have to be such a dick about it?
Of course, these are the least of Death’s problems. While Death is frequently featured on “hardest bosses” lists, he’s never cited for his most serious crime.
In Symphony of the Night, Death is the first of Dracula’s cronies you meet. He materializes and gives a short speech giving Dracula’s kid Alucard a chance to turn back, since his dad is Death’s best buddy. When Alucard refuses (which is pretty ballsy considering he’s talking to the biggest mass murderer in history), Death disarms him and strips all of his clothes off.
Death is a child molester.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
Well, outside of the fact that he violated his best friend’s kid like a hillbilly in a bowling alley bathroom, I’d say probably the worst thing about Death is that he’s one of the last bosses you fight. It seems like it’d be a lot easier if you could just kill Death and be completely unstoppable for the rest of the journey. Then again, I guess nothing else would die either. But then, they’re undead, so how does that work exactly?
Scratch that.
Death’s biggest display of dicketry is creating confusing logical and philosophical problems.
