6: Cowboys From Hell(Guitar Hero)
Yo, fuck Pantera.
This fucking song is singlehandedly the reason I can’t say I’ve beaten Guitar Hero on Expert. Every other song, even the boring ones (Like Undone by Helmet), complete and few under 4 stars. But I absolutely, positively CAN NOT (that’s right, I made the contraction an expansion) beat this fucking song. Really, the song as a whole isn’t too hard; it’s that fucking intro. nuhnuhnuhnuh nuhnuhnuhnuh nuhnuhnuhnuh NUHNUHNUH! If it wasn’t for this part the song would be a breeze. The intro wouldn’t even have to be that hard, they just made the decision to have it performed with hammer-ons. I’ve double, triple, quadruple checked the tabs for the intro on real guitar; it isn’t played with hammer-ons. The only thing I can figure is that they mistook “hammers on” for “hammer on”, and the original intention was for you to just randomly hit yourself with hammers, and no, I don’t think that theory is contrived and hard to believe. Several times I have chosen hitting myself with a hammer over playing Cowboys from Hell, and each time it’s slightly more pleasurable than actually playing the game.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
The biggest display of dicketry in this case is certainly that it had to be a Pantera song. If I’m going to play a song over and over again until my hands contort into a shape not physically possible according to all known medical logic, I’d like it to not be about a bunch of hicks who like to pretend they’re tough gay icons.
This can’t be allowed to happen. Someone must stand up for disaffected movie fans and gamers and for people who simply still have faith in mankind.
As an aside, has anyone noticed that, if you throw Fred Savage and a Power Glove in, this idea would pretty much just be the Wizard? Does he know about that movie? I actually hope he makes it and the owners of the copyright for the Wizard sue. What a surreal lawsuit that would be.
Actually it’d probably be very staid and boring. But in my mind, The Wizard would be owned by the most esteemed representatives of the 80s. Max Headroom, Hulk Hogan, Black Michael Jackson, Mario, and Optimus Prime would enter the courtroom dressed in business attire to defend their copyright against the forces of evil. I’m not sure what the final outcome of the case would be, but I’m pretty sure the Earth would be destroyed.
(Sorry about the short length of upcoming articles and any potential formatting problems. I have to do all this on my shitty Palm Treo until mein arbeitgeber decides to install my internet.)