Jack Thompson Killed by Gamer
Anti-Game Crusader shot to death outside of courthouse
Early yesterday morning, anti-video game protester Jack Thompson was shot to death during a protest against Rockstar Games’ new product, Grand Theft Auto IV. The identity of the shooter has not been confirmed, but witnesses say he was carrying a mouse and keyboard. The man snuck up behind Thompson, pulled the mouse and keyboard out of a trenchcoat, used the mouse to steady his aim, held the ctrl button to crouch, and fired one glowing laser shot. He then screamed “BOOM! HEADSHOT!” and escaped to the top of a building. Thompson’s body twisted a few times, then landed twisted up with his legs touching his back, not unlike a ragdoll. The shooter than made his escape. “He just jumped from one building to another, using his rocket boosters. I mean, I knew all along Jack was right about video games being evil, that’s in the Bible, but I didn’t realize he was this accurate about them turning kids into killing machines,” said Wayne Kalasky, a fellow protester following Thompson. “After he shot him, he fired about 3 of these huge missles into the courthouse, which for some reason didn’t even seem to make a dent in it, then hopped into a World War 2-era fighter plane, which immediately after liftoff he crashed into a wall.” Despite police investigations, no body has been found. “We believe he has reappeared, or, ‘respawned’ in another location,” said Tim Perkins, chief of police. The investigation is ongoing, and details will be posted as they come in.
