What follows is a transcript of the remarks and thoughts of the first Americans to play Super Mario Bros., George Brenner and Joseph Redding, in late 1985. Their comments helped justify Nintendo’s decision to bring the NES to America the next year.
Takashi Nozawa, Nintendo VP of Marketing: We are pleased that you have decided to test our product to see if it is correct for the American market. We understand that the market for video game products has crashed in the United States, but we would like to assure you that our Family Computer is perfect for the American consumer.
George Brenner, Investment Manager, Sears: Well, keep in mind we were the ones who chose to sell the Atari 2600 through our department stores. I don’t think anything could top the demonstration they gave us. Between Star Ship and Race, I felt like I was living in a futuristic wonderworld. I couldn’t sleep for 15 whole days after I played it.
Joseph Redding, Investment Manager, Sears: I literally shit my pants when I saw Math. Literally. I was both amazed at the incredible technology in front of me and terrified to think that it could lead to me spending my golden years being hunted down in old age by a squad of impossibly intelligent SuperBabies raised by their Atari 2600 overlords to enslave mankind.
Takashi: Haha, yes, well, hopefully you will not have the same concerns with our products. *puts copy of Donkey Kong Jr. Math in garbage can* Perhaps you would like to try our flagship game, Super Mario Brothers?
George: Sure. What do you play as? Tanks, spaceships, or dots?
Takashi: Actually you play as a little man named Mario.
Joseph: That would be dots, then.
Takashi: Actually, no. He is a plumber with a mustache from Brooklyn.
George: Oh, I know. I saw the instruction manual. I meant what do you play as in the game.
Takashi: As did I.
George: HA! You’re good people, mister. But you and I know I’m not gonna be able to tell a person AND a mustache AND a hat apart on a character in a home video game.
George: Sweet fucking Jesus.
Joseph: Oh my god.
George: Look at all of those colors. There are… there are like 10 colors on the screen right now.
Joseph: That’s… that’s not possible. THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
George: Joseph, CALM THE FUCK DOWN. There’s no way everything can be this impressive. Holy… look at how fluid that movement is. I can’t… how are you doing this?
Takashi: I take it that you are impressed.
Joseph: Takashi, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest. Are you a witch?
Takashi: Hahaha, of course I am not. The solution is more simple that that. We at Nintendo have worked very hard on the hardware architecture of our Family Computer, or Famicom, as we call it. The efficient design allows the system to have a considerable amount of power while still being easy to program for, which allows us to create a large library of games both through our own research and development teams and through our third party designers.
George: Third party desig- WHOA JUMPING INTO THAT FUCKING BOX JUST MADE IT POP OUT A COIN OR SOMETHING. Third party designers? Atari had problems with them. It’s not fair that someone can just come along and make a piece of software for your hardware. They should make their own hardware if they want to release software.
Takashi: Well, that is where we hope to succeed where Atari failed. We have licensed out the rights to our hardware technology in order to be able to profit from third party software while still enjoying the expanded software library that results from having several developers.
Joseph: That’s retarded. It only takes a week, or two at the most, for a guy to design a game, you should just hire their developers and have them crank a few out every month. Then you get 100% profits.
George: What are these green things?
Takashi: Ah, those are pipes. Mario can travel down them. Try jumping on top of that one, then press down.
George: Ok… I guess I can…
George: SHITTING FUCKS.
Joseph: NGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *jumps out window*
George: JESUS CHRIST JOSEPH! OH GOD WE’RE ON THE 85TH FLOOR!
Takashi: I’ll call the emergency services! We’ve got to get down there to help him!
George: Ok, sure, but right now my first priority is making sure we finish this deal.
Takashi: But.. your friend! If we hurry we might be able to help him!
George: If I leave this room for even a second someone else could just waltz right the fuck in here and buy this. No way am I going to take that chance.
Takashi: Fine, fine, what can you offer us?
George: If you allow us to sell this game in our stores I will give you the information for the company bank account. You can take out whatever money you want whenever you want.
Takashi: Are.. are you sure? It seems like you would at least need to contact your home office to authorize a deal of that magnitude.
George: To hell with the home office. I WILL NOT MISS OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY.
Takashi: Fine, fine, we accept, now we have to go help your friend!
George: You have to promise me, PROMISE ME, that NO ONE ELSE will sell this product.
Takashi: Mr. Brenner, I must insist we help your friend!
George: PROMISE ME!
Takashi: We will attend to it when we get back! We must go now! *runs out door*
The tape ends here. However, the rest of that day is forever known to history. Joseph Redding died after plummeting 85 stories to his death,having been unable to accept the tremendous increase of technology between the Atari 2600 and the NES. Takashi Nozawa got an enormous bonus for the tremendous amount of income the Sears deal resulted in for Nintendo. He bought his own series of islands and retired at 26. The NES went on to become one of the most successful and beloved video game systems of all time. And George Brenner? Although successful for brokering the deal with Nintendo, Brenner unfortunately became more well-known on December 12th, 1985. On that frosty December morn, 87 men, women, and children were killed when Brenner lost his mind in a K-Mart Department store upon seeing that, despite the contract he thought he signed, the NES was available for sale at stores other than Sears.
The 5 Raddest Mario Vehicles.
Mario has driven some pretty fucking cool vehicles. First and foremost, he’s driven Yoshi since 1991. Yoshi won’t be on this list, though, because Yoshi’s a self-made man. He doesn’t need Mario’s bullshit for us to know who he is; he does his own thing, getting bitches and eating cookies shaped like his head. Kind of like Mr. T did in the late 80s.
No, this is a list of Mario’s other vehicles; the ones Mario used just a few times and abandoned because he just can’t quit Yoshi.
Sky Pop (Super Mario Land)
The Sky Pop is pretty much as awesome as a vehicle could possibly get. First of all, it’s called the Sky Pop, and that’s awesome in and of itself. In fact, I’m going to start calling my car the Land Pop, and assuming I ever get my right to drive back from the damn State, I’m going to drive around with a banner that says Land Pop. I don’t care if I did drive through a farmer’s market, or if the farmer’s market was being visited by a field trip for the county’s best and brightest 3rd graders. My forefathers didn’t fight Abraham Lincoln in World War I for me to sit at home watching reruns of Mama’s Family, except on Wednesday and Saturday, because those are my Mama’s Family nights.
Anyway, the Sky Pop.
It’s this sweetass plane Mario flies in Super Mario Land. You see, some bad shit went down in Super Mario Land, and Mario’s other woman, Daisy, got kidnapped by this asshole alien, Tatanga. He had a space ship, so Mario, feeling the need to prove himself more of a man than some purple alien bitch, flew right out into space in a damn biplane. But don’t worry about his safety, he wore goggles and a helmet. That’s all Mario needs to resist gravity, the lack of air, and absolute zero temperatures. Mario flew in, shot down Tatanga’s spaceship, and flew home. Then he humped Daisy and headed back to the Mushroom Kingdom.
To be honest, I don’t understand exactly what the deal is with the Super Mario Land series. There is no actual Super Mario Land, because the game takes place in Sarasa Land. And where the hell is that? Is that part of the Mushroom Kingdom, or outside of it? If it’s part of it, how does Mario get away with humping Daisy without Princess Toadstool ordering his head to be chopped off? If it isn’t part of it, where the hell is it, and how did Mario get there? The Mushroom Kingdom is balls huge. It’s got to be the size of like 10 Asias or something. It’s got every imaginable type of terrain. What landmass could possibly exist outside of the Kingdom? And why the hell does Mario think he’s entitled to just waltz in and start calling it Super Mario Land?
So yeah, anyway, the Sky Pop. It was like this plane Mario flew once.
My Favorite Thing About It:
It always makes me happy no matter what.
Here’s a picture of it:
Look at that shit! Tell me that didn’t just make your day. Look, even Mario’s happy. He’s raising his fist all like “FUCK YEAH SKY POP! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!” And he’s right. It totally is.
Bob-Omb Car (Mario Kart: Double Dash and Mario Kart Wii)
This vehicle made the list sheerly because of the balls it has to take to drive one of these motherfuckers. The Bob-Omb Car is literally a drivable explosive. And it’s only purpose is to drive around some Mario Kart tracks looking for some dick to cut him off or drive on the wrong side of the road, and BAM! Fucker blows up. I take back what I said; driving one of these wouldn’t just take balls, it would take some kind of insane fury, wrought by some terrible agony inflicted upon the driver, the kind of sheer hatred of bad driving that begins at a young age and ends up in an insane asylum or splattered all over the wall in front of 30 federal agents and the National Guard. THAT’S why the Bob-Omb Car made this list.
There aren’t many good pictures for me to steal, so here’s a bad one:
The sinister glowing eyes, the lit fuse, the expressionless face… these are the signs of evil if I’ve ever seen them.
My Favorite Thing About It:
I guess my favorite thing about the Bob-Omb Car is that it isn’t real. God knows I’ve made a few mistakes driving (just ask one of the 40 plaintiffs across 24 states currently involved in legal action against me), and that would worry me, but I’m even more afraid that I’d end up using one myself. I’m glad I can rest assured that no automaker would ever build something this retarded (well, maybe Ford). It’s kind of like if the Space Shuttle had been outfitted with a nuclear warhead at the end.
Koopa Clown Car (Super Mario World and all kinds of other games)
Hell yes.
I love this thing. I don’t know exactly what it is (it seems to be an aerodynamically impossible single-seat helicopter), but I would kill someone, right in front of their own mother, to get one for myself. If I had one of these my life would be perfect. I wouldn’t have to worry about money, or the environment, or politics or anything, I could just ride around and throw stuff at people and be awesome every day. I would blare Def Leppard songs out of it and pick up chicks and then we would fly to Spain and yell at the stupid Spaniards. Then the girls would laugh and tell me I’m awesome. And they’d be right, because I would have the Koopa Clown Car. Obviously, this is a fantasy I’ve had since about 1st grade.
This is a picture from the Super Mario World cartoon, instead of from one of the games, but I think it’s the funniest looking picture of the thing I can find.
I like that it seems blissfully uncaring about Bowser yelling at slaves through a vagina. All vehicles should look so disinterested.
My Favorite Thing About It:
My favorite thing about the Koopa Clown Car is that it actually has the ability to change its expression from happy to angry to murderous. That would be extremely useful on the road. For example, say you’re on the interstate and some asshole in a red pickup truck (only assholes drive red pickup trucks, so that’s kinda redundant) cuts you off without signaling (which is going to happen because, as far as I can tell, red pickup trucks are not issued with turn signals. If they were, I would have seen at least one of the fucking drivers actually use it by now. Surely there aren’t that many mentally disabled drivers who are able to get credit to buy a $25000 truck). All of a sudden, the expression on your car’s face goes from happy to angry. Then the truck slows waaaaaaay down in front of you, but cuts you off every time you try to pass. Finally, you get around it and start going faster, but the driver, embarrassed about his tiny 2 inch dick (as all drivers of red pickup trucks are), starts speeding up and tailgating you. Then your car’s face turns from angry to a face depicting a demented hatred. You look at the driver, say “Yeehaw, hoss! This here like NASCAR ain’t it?!?”, then start throwing mildly retarded robot turtles at his car, causing him to swerve off the side of the road. As you turn and continue down the road, you hear the truck explode behind you, and you feel confident in yourself for having made the world a better place. Then you drive around with supermodels and make every man jealous of you as you fly to Spain and make fun of those stupid Spaniards. Such is the life of the owner of a Koopa Clown Car.
Lakitu’s Cloud (Most Mario games, but specifically Super Mario World)
Imagine this with Mario in it instead of a masturbating voyeuristic turtle.
For the man who likes to travel in style. There are few classier rides than Lakitu’s Cloud. Of course, you have to pay for that style. With murder. This is the only ride I can think of that Mario has to straight-up kill for. But once you get a hold of it, you are less a plumber than a god. Lakitu’s Cloud allows Mario access to anything he wants, whenever he wants, and, especially after playing level 4-1 of Super Mario Bros., gives some much needed vindication to the victims of one of the most obnoxious enemies in Mario history. I’ve gotten good enough at the SMB that I can generally kill Lakitu and get through the level without him being a problem, but in the days of my youth, Lakitu made the game such a bitch that I was lucky to get more than three levels into the game (Three, because at the end of level 1-2 there is of course a warp zone, and I couldn’t not use it to go into the furthest level possible, which was of course the first level with Lakitu. I knew it was there, therefore, I had to use it.) But all that changed with Super Mario World. Murdering Lakitu and taking his cloud was like asking the most popular girl in high school to the dance, and then raising your fist in triumph as she just blows you right in front of the whole student body.
My Favorite Thing About It
Honestly, as awesome as it is to use Lakitu’s Cloud in Super Mario World, it was probably actually more useful as an item in Super Mario Bros. 3, where it could be used to actually skip an entire level. This came in most handy with the World 2 desert level, because in that level is the fucking angry-ass sun. I don’t know what Mario did to make the sun angry, but whatever it was, he’s fucking pissed at him. So much so that he’s willing to fly to the Earth just to try to murder him. He even looks incredibly pissed:
Fuck.
I was terrified of this sun as a kid. I know the stereotype is that gamers are afraid of the sun, and I hate to reinforce stereotypes, but come on. Look at that fucking thing. If this is where the stereotype comes from I think I totally agree with it.
Kuribo’s Shoe (Super Mario Bros. 3)
HOLY SHIT THE SHOOOOOOOOOOOOE
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
This fucking shoe is the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen, and if you disagree you are a shitwagon. That is a wagon which is both full of shit and principally composed of shit. And you are one if you disagree with me. I can’t even just call it a shoe, or even Kuribo’s Shoe. The only way to express the awesomeness it contains is to put that shit in ALL CAPS.
THE SHOE is, as seen above, something that Mario rides in to be awesome during one level in Super Mario Bros. 3. It gives to Mario several different abilities. Here are a few:
- Makes him invulnerable to any environmental enemy (I.E. Nipper Plants, those little white Piranha Plants that made up floors that killed you)
- Allows him to jump on any enemy and kill it, even Spinies and Piranha Plants
- Makes him look totally awesome
- Gives him a gigantic erection which pokes through the front of the shoe
- Gets him a large Icee for the price of a medium Icee at Weigels
- Causes him to shit silver dollars
- Gets him invited to some kickass parties
- Gives him a luminance that outshines even the sun, making him difficult for mortals to look at
- Has a Fresca tap, so he can have a Fresca any time he wants it
- Gives him an extra month between November and December to do his Christmas shopping
- Allows him to skip airport security
- Pours glasses of Five Alive, a refreshing citrus beverage that contains the juice of five fruits, and, as produced by THE SHOE, also cures AIDS
As you can see, THE SHOE offers many advantages. But perhaps most importantly, it shows how badass Mario is. It doesn’t look like it by how well he handles it, but Mario is possibly the only one other than Goombas to be able to control the shoe. Just look at this picture of Bowser using it:
Bowser’s a pretty powerful motherfucker. But just look at what THE SHOE did to him. It turned him Cheetos orange, gave him a raccoon tail, lit his hand on fire, and apparently caused him to kill Captain Planet and steal his symbol, judging by that thing in his right hand. You can’t fuck with THE SHOE unless you’ve got the right stuff.
My Favorite Thing About It
If I think of anything that is less than perfect about it I’ll let you know.
Why The Hell Not, More Mario Merchandise
I really enjoyed writing that article about the crazy Mario items. As a result, I’m going to write about more of them. Hope you guys enjoyed it too, because this is going to take a while. A lot of these are from Brett “Nightram” Martin’s Video Game Memorabilia Museum, so curts to him. You should check the site out, it’s pretty ridiculously awesome. On to the first… thing:
Unpainted Toad Chancellor (from Super Mario RPG) Figure
This really isn’t that great of a figure, but what is notable about it is that this may be the most obscure Mario character ever made into a figure. And that’s saying something, considering everybody from Rocky Wrench to Ninji have been made into figures. The Toad Chancellor is the head of government of the Mushroom Kingdom, answering only to Princess Toadstool. What makes him obscure is that not only is he a background leader who only rules while Princess Toadstool is away, but also he’s only in one game: Super Mario RPG, one of the most obscure (and best) games in the Mario series. Now, obviously, “obscure” isn’t a term that means too much in a series as popular as Mario, but the game is still a strange option for any merchandise, especially for merchandise based on extremely obscure characters. A bit of looking around also returns these:
Jester
Most of the main characters, and, oddly, another Toad Chancellor
Belome
Jonathan Jones
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
These are so awesome. Just seeing them, even unpainted, sent me into capitalism overdrive. I was screaming at the monitor, begging it to please, please give me the figures, stuffing all my cash and credit cards into the CD drive. Now the computer doesn’t seem to work right. Oh well, not my problem, the school owns this computer.
The last two are especially awesome to me, as Belome and Jonathan Jones may very well be my two favorite obscure characters of all time. Just the very idea of being able to own merchandise featuring them sends a rush of endorphins to my head that I can’t quite handle. The things I endure to write for you people.
Boshi Stuffed Figure
In a similar vein, here’s a stuffed Boshi figure. Although he looks like Yoshi redefined as an “extreme” mascot who may partake of Mountain Dew or perhaps wakeboarding, he’s actually just Yoshi’s asshole friend who likes to steal cookies from everybody. He’s pretty obscure as well, seeing as how he is only featured in an optional side quest (in which you race him while riding Yoshi to make him stop being a dick about the cookie thing). Anyway, this is a pretty awesome plush, really detailed and accurate to the game. Interesting side story: as a result of Boshi (and another version of Yoshi in a Chinese Mario Kart knock-off named Yossi), I’ve gotten to where I can’t just say “yoshi” flat-out with out calling him Boshi, Bosher, Yossee, or something like that. Well, I guess that side story wasn’t as “interesting” as it was “time-consuming”. Sorry.
Counterfeit New Super Mario Bros. Wallet
In addition to the already gigantic amount of official Mario merchandise available on the market even now, there’s also, as there is with any popular character, a giant market of counterfeited items. There are plenty of examples of shitty fake merchandise from the Mario series, but this is the most interesting. The art on the front appears to be an oddly colored depiction of Yoshi hatching in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, which doesn’t make any sense, considering the logo at the top says “New Super Mario Bros.” Speaking of the logo, that isn’t the regular logo for New Super Mario Bros.. Not only is it not the one used on the game’s box or most of the official merchandise (although it has been used in a few places), it’s also really oddly colored. Most notably, Mario’s eyes appear to be soulless blue portals, not unlike Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen. As you can see, the Chinese (I assume it’s Chinese, since that’s where every shitty counterfeit toy comes from) have no respect for or skill at making counterfeit merchandise, although it’s better the massive wave of counterfeit Pikachus that invaded flea markets, county fairs, and other places where white trash pop up to make a buck.
BONUS ITEM! This Weird Mario Picture I Found
While searching for verification on the New Super Mario Bros. logo, I found this weird/awesome picture.
It’s apparently by some guy from DeviantArt named MicToon. All of his pictures pretty much look like this, but this is the best one. I’ve found just about any caption makes it funny. Examples:
I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH THE TIME OF CLEANSING IS AT HAND
WHEN YOU GO TO THE STORE WILL YOU PICK ME UP A CARTON OF MARLBOROS
I JUST ATE A BEEHIVE
DOES ARBYS HAVE SOME KIND OF FISH SANDWICH, I'M CRAVING A FISH SANDWICH
I'M GONNA EAT YOUR DOG
As soon as I get the time I’m seriously gonna make a comic with this picture.
5 Oddly Sexual Pieces of Mario Merchandise.
I feel like I owe you guys something feature length. All my posts recently have been 150-word little cop-outs. I also don’t think they’ve been as “funny” as they have “vitriolic”, so hopefully this will make up for all that. Here goes.
As we all know, Mario is now more recognizable to children worldwide than Mickey Mouse is. The most likely cause for this is that Mario is far superior in every way to Mickey Mouse. Regardless, with great popularity comes a shitstorm of merchandise, and Mario is no exception. The one strange thing about Mario, however, is how much of his merchandise seems to be oddly sexualized. Check out these kinky items:
Mario Party 7 Tissue Box
I’m really not comfortable with the idea of Mario masturbating, and if it wasn’t for this tissue box, I’d never have thought about it. Now, the idea of a Mario tissue box is fine; there’s nothing wrong with dispensing tissues, and it doesn’t make my mind immediately jump to jerking off. But look at that pose Mario is in. It just screams “Ahhhh, yeah. I got an hour to myself, I got my mushrooms, I got my tissues… time for Mario to… grow.” *Shudder*
Super Mario Bros. 2 “Bow-Biters”
I will admit that there’s really nothing particularly sexual about these unless you’re in a certain mindset; namely, that of a 13-year-old boy. However, if you’re in that mindset, there are at least 100 different disgusting things you can think of relating to the position Messrs. Mario and Luigi are in there. I have too much class to bring myself down to that level (which is why my site has a tag called “undulating titties”), but I’m sure your imaginations can fill in the rest.
The Mario “Keep Jumpin’” Pen
Ok, this goes beyond misinterpreting something with an oversexualized mind. This isn’t something that is up to your imagination or anything. This is Mario with a pen shoved straight up his ass. To get the pen nib to come out, you shove the end farther up his ass, and to make it go back in you release it a bit. There’s no way around it; this is thing is perverse.
Mario DS Holder
This is poseable, so it may not always look this gross, but so help me god, this promo picture makes it look like Mario is totally ready to give a handjob to whoever wants it. I don’t know exactly what a Nintendo DS holder is for, or why you would need a big action figure to hold it, so I guess I’m trying to invent a use for it, but jesus.
Fuuuuuuck that’s creepy. Mario is waaaaay too excited in that 3rd panel. He looks like he’s about to go to town on that poor little boy. Now, the princess’s panels, on the other hand… that’s the first thing in this article that I can totally get behind. Still, you have to wonder if she’s not inadvertently moving that kid’s biological clock up to puberty a little too fast. He looks like he’s about 6 or 7. On the track he’s getting put on here, he’s gonna end up dropping out of school at 15 to take care of his 10 kids and screeching white trash wife. He’s going to work at a McDonalds until he dies in a 4-wheeler accident at 34. Thanks a lot Princess. You just ruined that kid’s life, you slut.
The biggest question I have about this ad, though, is where in the hell did it originate? It’s a Revlon product, and it’s in English, but the English is really, really bad. “Beautiful bubble DOS”? The operating system? What the hell is that supposed to mean? “Good clean bubbles”? Well, that’s good to know it’s not full of filthy tar bubbles like that fucking Sonic the Hedgehog shampoo I was considering. However, I give them credit for “We smell so fruity fresh!”. That’s a great quote. I want a t-shirt that says that. Hell, I may make it this site’s new slogan. “Catchy Name News: We Smell So Fruity Fresh!” Hell yeah. That’s a gooooood slogan.
