07.22.2008

My friend, Mumblin’ ADHD Joe, has asked if he can write a review for me. I, being the kind and benevolent soul I am, said yes. So, pending Joe’s $200 payment, I proudly present Joe’s Reviews on Ritalin: R-Type.

(Yes, I know R-Type is 21 years old. It still kicks ass, so if you’re going to complain, just save me some time and tell yourself to eat a wheelbarrow full of flaming dicks.)

R-Type is a shoot-them-up game released in arcades in 1987. It has 8 levels, 3 weapons, 7 bosses, 987 enemies, 6,796 stars in the background, and it took me 84 quarters to beat it, which is 21 dollars, or 2,241.77 yen.

R-Type is very difficult. I spent exactly 9 hours, 34 minutes, and 17 seconds attempting to memorize the entire level so I could make it through completely untouched.

Took more medication. Slowing.

Graphics: Each ship is made of 486 pixels.

Sound: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Gameplay: Game is very. Play.

(Joe then stopped writing and started staring at his pants, saying “These are out of style as of right….” before finishing 10 minutes later with “now.” and walking out of the room. I dunno where he went after that.)

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07.05.2008

Ok guys, I know this is kind of late, but I’ve decided to review Crackdown. Mostly because I exist in a dimension outside of time and space, where a man can play years-old video games for the first time, genuinely enjoy Styx’s 1972 Crystal Ball album without a touch of irony, and not know what a “Hannah Montana” is, despite being under the age of 40.

Pictured above: Hannah Montana.

Crackdown, or, as you may recognize it, “The Game that Came With the Halo 3 Beta”, is the story of one cyberneticaly enhanced supercop/brave American hero murdering wave after endless wave of illegal immigrants. The mysterious “Agency” that you work for, presumably the Minuteman Project, teaches your character at the first of the game (and randomly throughout the game, because there are only about 30 comments that your Wonder Years-esque absent narrator says) that, by murdering the Mexicans, Russians, and Chinese flooding the city and terrorizing the pure, white Americans, your character can climb the superhero chain from Aquaman to Spiderman. Once you’re upgraded enough to jump 400 feet in the air and throw cars into the river, the game goes from a substandard 3rd person shooter to being a standard 3rd person shooter with some amazingly fun physical combat. As fun as it may be to shoot foreigner after foreigner, it’s ultimately much more satisfying to throw a car at him. You can upgrade every major skill, including agility (allowing you to jump ridiculous distances and oddly enough, run only slightly faster), driving (makes the police cars magic and able to transform into better cars when you get in), shooting (you’re better at it; tragically, it doesn’t make it any more fun), explosives (your explosion radius gets fucking huge), and physical strength (probably the first you’ll upgrade, because the melee combat is fucking fun).

As I’ve said, the shooter aspect of Crackdown really isn’t that great on its own. All the guns are either grossly inaccurate or extremely underpowered, and you basically just press the auto-lock-on button and hold the fire button until they’re dead, which even at the top possible firearms rating takes about 15 seconds unless you’re immediately next to the minority you’re shooting. When you’re surrounded by 30 people pumping ammo into you, this is not helpful.

That said, everything else is a blast. Even running from one objective to another can be fun, since you get to jump from building to building to get there. I tend to get distracted, because I’m incredibly spiteful to NPCs (in every game, but especially here). For example, say I’m running to kill a gang boss, and I decide to run against heavy traffic on the interstate. Cars are speeding towards me at 100 miles per hour. One has the audacity to hit me. Do I accept that as my punishment from playing on the interstate? Of course not! I pull the driver out of his car, kick him in the face, and throw his car into the river, and leave him to try and shamble his shattered body across the still-busy interstate, which usually doesn’t work out successfully. And if my police allies see me do it and try to bring me down? I murder wave after wave of them, killing many citizens in the process. It’s even fun with non-innocents. Case in point: One time a huge semi full of Russian immigrants was speeding towards me, presumably planning to hit me, then shoot me to death. What was my solution? I stepped slightly out of the way, and kicked the truck into the river as they sped by. They all drowned. I think there were children on board. God, I love this game.


No, you stop blocking the highway! By you and your entire family DROWNING!
Even though it’s basically the same mission over and over again 30 times, Crackdown has nearly limitless replay value. The depth of things to do in the city is amazing. In addition to the main mission, there are several street races (which are horribly unfun until you reach the highest level of driving skill AND pay for the downloadable content pack, which includes extra cars), rooftop races (which are always fun no matter what, except the ones that are fucking impossible), and various other distractions, in addition to the well-designed multiplayer and, in all seriousness, the best achievements of any game available for the 360 (there’s actually an achievement for using a harpoon gun to attach 5 corpses to a car, which you can then drive around like some kind of devil engine. I love this fucking game.)
The story of Crackdown is long and sad, however. Despite its esteemed pedigree (the creator was also responsible for Lemmings and the original Grand Theft Auto), innovative, well-designed gameplay, and ridiculous depth, the only reason it really sold as well as it did was because it came with the fucking Halo 3 beta. That’s right. One of the greatest sandbox games ever made became a beer coaster for dumbshit frat boys. It’s like everything associated with Halo is ruined by it.

Except Halo Wars. If I could somehow find a hole in the trailers for that game, I would have sex with it.

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