The 10 Biggest Asshole Bosses in Gaming – Part 4
7: Mark “Super” Duper (Tecmo Bowl)
I enjoy getting into conversations about sports, mostly solely because my entire sports trivia knowledge comes from video games.
For example, thanks to the Greatest Sports Game Ever(tm), Tecmo Bowl, I know that the Miami Dolphins were completely unstoppable in the 80s and early 90s. I know that Dan Marino could throw a football from one stadium to another in a different city. I’ve learned that all cheerleaders are horrible, monstrous challenges to God’s rainbow promise to love everyone.
It’s sad when Aerosmith presents a sexier halftime show.
However, the main thing I’ve learned from sports games is that Mark Duper could outrun Jesus.
Together, Dan Marino and Mark Duper were dubbed “The Touchdown Factory” by me, age 8. Mark Duper was untouchable by the defense because he could run so fast he would ignite, leaving only a trail of melted astroturf and dead blockers behind him. Combined with the fact that Dan Marino could throw a 100-yard pass, it literally would have been possible to win games with just those two players.
Get used to seeing this if you’re playing against the Dolphins. You’ll end up on the floor in a fetal position repeating it.
One time, while I was in high school, I played a game of Tecmo Bowl against a friend of mine. As is par-the-course with sports games, he began trash talking. I don’t know what a “quarter-back” is, but apparently mine was not good enough to eclipse the accomplishments of his “unstoppable Indianapolis offense”. Had he ever even heard of football? Everybody knows Indianapolis is the worst team in the NFL, and I don’t know who “Peyton Manning” is, but he’s certainly not Chris Chandler. He continue by saying his “pre-call snap audibles” were going to destroy me. I said “Listen buddy, I don’t know what that is, but unless you’ve got a Game Genie hooked up to this motherfucker, your team doesn’t have anything that can ‘destroy’ my team. You’ve only got 4 attacks, and all 4 leave the team unharmed. But you’d better get ready for my unstoppable ‘pass 3 run 1′ combo, BITCH!”
I beat him 64-0.
So it’s been established that Mark Duper is unquestionably the greatest football player ever, as well as the fastest living creature ever. But how can I consider him a boss? Well, simply put, if you’re playing against the Dolphins, you’re going to lose. It’s as simple as that. But, a secret not many people know about is that if you manage to beat the Dolphins (which of course can only be done by cheating and playing as the Dolphins), the rest of the team combines with Duper to form the unstoppable Robo-Duper. This metal-and-flesh behemoth tramples over everything in its path, and victory over it is impossible. This only happened once in real life, during the Dolphins 1989 season. It took the Air Force 2 weeks of nonstop carpet bombing to stop it, and America lost its first city: Baltimore.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
Thanks to this article, I can no longer get away with picking the Dolphins when playing Tecmo Bowl with friends. Thanks a lot, Mark Duper.
