I see you sitting in the corner there. I know what you’re planning to do. You’re planning to do a flash kick, aren’t you? It’s pretty obvious. I mean, you only have two moves. You might as well come over here and try that cheap-ass double sweep kick, because I’m not stupid enough to walk right into a flash kick. That shit hurts. Hell, look at me; I’m sitting here writing you a letter. I’ve got time. I don’t have a fireball or anything, so I can’t hit you from afar. All I can do is sit here and wait. I’ve got to wait. Dammit I can’t wait anymore. I’m going over there. And I -
Goddamn you Guile. Goddamn you and your fucking flash kick.
“Dear Dead or Alive characters:
Your fighting game fucking sucks. It’s not even fighting. It’s fucking defending and then reversing attacks. Please make more beach volleyball games. We likey cleavage.
The Street Fighter Gang”
Why aren’t you getting in on this? It’s legal ass-busting. Seriously! I beat the crap out of some Chinese chick and they didn’t even call the police! And that’s a good thing, because I’m still dressed in a striped convict outfit with shackles on my hands and feet. Come down here and kick some ass with me!
“Vega, buddy. Seriously. At first when we started teasing you and saying you were gay, it was a joke. But we took note of how offended you were and stopped. You said you weren’t, and that was good enough for us. But then more and more evidence kept coming up. Now we found this picture of you on a men’s dating board:
I know you’re probably going through a lot of things. It’s really stressful to hide stuff like that. But you can talk to us. This is a safe place, and you’re with friends. We won’t judge you. We didn’t judge Blanka. Just be honest with yourself, and you can be honest with us.
Love (the hetero kind, not, you know, gay)
Your friends at Shadaloo
P.S.: Zangief thinks you’re cute.”
We here at Sears understand your participation in the World Warrior tournament is a point of great pride for you. It is for us too; that’s why we decided to sponsor you. However, we feel that the requirement that you wear more than your fighting uniform to meet and greets and other Sears-sponsored events was implicit in your endorsement agreement. We feel that the remarkably skimpy outfit you wore to our Sears KidsNOW! event goes beyond the limits of good taste into the territory of potential legal action by the parents of the children who attended. We would appreciate it if you used more common sense in the future.
Sears PR Manager”
“To All My Fellow Street Fighters:
- Love, Ken”
9: Tie – Vega and Balrog (Street Fighter)
Street Fighter was always full of assholes. You had Sagat, who would not just laugh, but cackle at you if he won, like you had just slipped on a goddamn banana peel. There was M. Bison, who had godlike Psycho Power and basically just used it to tackle people from a few feet away. There was Chun-Li, who was a woman. But none of them came close to Vega and Balrog, the Laurel and Hardy of douchery.
These two dick whistles were basically M. Bison’s elite guard, there to stop you from getting to Sagat, who was ostenably there to protect Bison, but was really there to antagonize Ryu. So, perhaps to compensate for having such a useless job, Balrog and Vega became obnoxious cocks.
Balrog, the first of the Dickwad Duo, is a boxer who absolutely does not look like anyone currently boxing professionally.
No resemblance to anyone, as you can see.
His punches do a ludicrous amount of damage, he’s fast, and I’m not good with distances, but I estimate his arms to be at least 8 feet long. What makes him such an asshole is that he’s the only character in any Street Fighter game, and possibly the earliest AI-controlled character ever, to literally showboat before he kills you. In the original arcade version of Street Fighter II, once you get down to a low amount of health, and especially if you’re dizzy, Balrog will use his dreaded Turn Punch to finish you rather than a regular attack. The Turn Punch is one of the most damaging moves in the game, doing up to 50% damage if charged enough. Also, it’s a totally asshole looking thing to do, as he turns around and stands there holding his arm back before he actually hits you.
Vega, on the other hand, is a lithe, effeminate prettyboy whose entire play style is based around poking you in the chest with his claw. Sometimes he’ll jump and poke you, other times he’ll duck and poke you. One way or another, he’s going to poke you, and yes, I do know that sounds totally gay. That’s because Vega is totally gay. To illustrate this, here’s a list of quotes from Vega that I would say were taken out of context if there was a context to begin with. Try to read them as a narrative:
“I contribute to society. I remove all its filth. Got a gripe with that?”
“So, answer me. Just who is the fairest of them all?”
“Praise me! Extol me! My beauty is unparalleled!”
“This room is bland…I know. I’ll use you to paint it red!!!”
“Vega says scream!”
“Mmmh…Tasty…Just like red wine…”
“Your cries of agony… They are music to my ears.”
“Handsome fighters never lose battles.”
“And just how long did you think I would be satisfied serving the likes of you?!”
“Your moment spent with beauty is now over….Adios!”
Vega, pictured trapped in a whirlwind of homosexuality.
So, as you can see, that’s concrete evidence he’s gay. In addition to having sex with men, Vega also enjoys climbing the walls, jumping around, and generally flipping out. There may be harder opponents in Street Fighter, but none infuriate you quite as much as Vega.
Except maybe Cammy.
Biggest Display of Dicketry:
For Balrog, probably the biggest dick thing he does is denigrate Mike Tyson. He seems to hint at rape, he’s violent, he’s crazy, he has a gap in his teeth, he even threatens to bite his opponent’s ear. Come on, Balrog. The guy’s been through enough.
With Vega, it’s almost hard to decide. He has a lot of dick personality traits, an entire bag of douche, one might say. Blood fetishism, narcissism, arrogance, murder, insanity… still though, I would have to say the most asshole thing about Vega is that stupid climbing attack he does. I hate that fucking move.